Category: other

whats the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant women?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?

Yankee Poodle!

10) Assassinate Archduke Ferdinand

9) Be at the Grassy Knoll on time

8) Handle the Tiemann Square demonstration

7) Drop package off at Hiroshima

6) Build that fence in Berlin the wife’s been nagging me about

5) Come up with some sort of “Final Solution” to the Jewish problem

4) Visit Oklahoma City

3) Build a Greenhouse

2) Safety inspect Chernobyl factory

1) Create America Online

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married? Replied the gentleman, “Well, I guess I just never met the right woman … I guess I’ve been looking for the perfect girl.””Oh, come on now,” said the friend, “Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry.””Yes, there was a girl… once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything… I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me.””Well, why didn’t you marry her,” asked the friend.”She was looking for the perfect man.”

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.

“Don’t you want her name engraved upon it?” asked the jeweler.

The young man thought for a moment, and then ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: ‘To My One And Only Love’.

That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”

The church service was under way and they pasted the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stop the service and announced “who ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate please stand up”.

A gay man stood up and said “I did”.

The preacher told him “since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymes.”

Excitedly, the gay guy said, “well I’ll take him and him and him.”

Acostado con su mujer, el ranchero Juan le acaricia los pechos a Lupe su mujer dici�ndole:

“�Sabes Lupe? Si estas dieran leche, vender�amos la vaca…”

Suspirando, Lupe le palmea la entrepierna y le dice:

“�Sabes Juan? Que si �sta aguantara m�s tiempo dura, entonces correr�amos al caporal…”

En una esquina, donde se encuentran homosexuales vendiendo placer, llega un hombre en un autom�vil muy elegante. De pronto, �ste se baja bruscamente del autom�vil con un rifle y le ordena a un puto:

“�Contra la pared! �Date vuelta! �B�jate los pantalones y no te muevas!”

Asustado, el marica le suplica al hombre:

“�Por favor, puede hacer lo que quiera pero no me mate!”

Sin contemplaci�n, el tipo lo viola. Despu�s de terminar le indica:

“Toma, aqu� est�n tus 100 d�lares. Te los ganaste”.

Desconcertado, el maric�n le asegura:

“�Pero no hab�a necesidad del arma, amor!”

“�S� hab�a necesidad, por que a m� me gusta con el culo apretadito!”

Yo daddy is so bald, when he wears a turtleneck he looks like a broken condom.

Russian Vodka

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle
laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello Master, I will grant
you one wish, anything that you want.”

The Russian begins thinking, “Well I really like drinking vodka.”
Finally the Russian says, “I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss
vodka.”

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a
glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it’s
clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So
he takes a taste and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, “Natasha, Natasha, come quickly.” She
comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard
and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that
she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses.
The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until
the sun comes up.

Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one
glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him
“Boris, why do we only need one glass?”

Boris raises the glass and says, “Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.”

Un borrach�n aborda un autob�s de servicio p�blico. Al momento de querer pagar, el conductor arranca y el temulento se va dando traspi�s hacia atr�s del veh�culo. Luego, al enfrenar el cami�n, se desliza hacia delante, y as� durante dos Km. Al momento de bajarse el chofer le exige:

“�Oye, g�ey, p�game!”

Con voz tartajosa, el borracho reclama:

“�Por qu�, pendejo? Si me vine caminando todo el trayecto”.

Everyone knows Barney, that cute purple dinosaur. But here’s something that you may not know:1. Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR2. Change all U’s to V’s (which is proper Latin anyway) CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR3. Extract all Roman Numerals: CV V L DI V4. Convert these into Arabic values: 100 5 5 50 500 1 55. Add these numbers up: 100 5 5 50 500 1 + 5—- 666There you have it: Mathematical proof that Barney is the Antichrist!