Category: other

The bachelor finished his meal and placed his tip on the table. The waiter took one look at the 15 cents and said:”Thank you for your generosity. You can always tell the character of a diner by the way he tips.”

“Oh, really?” he said. “What do these five-cent coins tell you about me?”

“Well, yoe put the three coins in a row,” said the waiter. “That tells me you are tidy for starters. The first coin tells me you are frugal and the second coin tells me you are a bachelor.”

“That’s true,” said the diner, somewhat impressed. “And what does the third coin tell you?”

“That tells me your father was a bachelor too.”

�Cu�l es la diferencia entre una novia, una amante y una esposa?

Que la novia te dice “�ay, que dulce!”, la amante dice “�ay, que vigor!”, y la esposa dice:

“Hay que pagar la luz, hay que pagar el tel�fono, hay que pagar el cable…”

You know you are addicted to coffee if …

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people’s fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

A thief had been arrested for robbery and was thrown in jail, the next morning
he escaped. “I got to lose these prison clothes,” The thief said so he strips
down and leaves his clothes in the trash can in a local park. He sees three very
attractive nuns coming. So hype jumps into the bushes, but his boner was
sticking out “damn it!� The first nun comes by and pulls on the theirs cock, he
reaches down and throws her a stick of gum off the ground. She says �Oyo sisters
come over here, look what this vending machine gave me!”
Excited the second nun pulled on the thief�s dick; he bends down and throws
her a quarter from off the ground.
“Oh praise the lord heavenly Jesus, I got a quarter” the nun said.
The thief looked down to find something to give to the third nun but their was
nothing left on the ground.
The third nun comes and she starts pulling’, she’s tugging and pulling’ and
tugging and pulling’ “Oh lord, I think it broken,” she said. “Pull it one more
time really hard sister,” the first two say.
“OOOOO”
“WUD U GET”

Un cubano regres� de Nueva York. Se encuentra a un amigo que le pregunta:

“Oye chico, �y que e’ lo que ma’ te gut� a ti de Niu Yolk?”

“Oye, chico, pue’ Madona”

“Ya lo creo chico, �Madona! �Qu� tetas! �Qu� culo! �La madre que la pari� a esa Madona!”

“No, chico, a m� lo que me guta de Madona son lo Big Mac, la papitas fritas, la soda y lo juguetito”.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the
second. “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own
bungee-jumping service in Mexico.” The second guy thinks this is
a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything
they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they
are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly,
more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when
he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts
and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him,

he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is
bruised and bleeding. Again,the second guy misses him. The first
guy falls again and bounces back up.

This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of
broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy
finally catches him this time and says, “What happened? Was the
cord too long?”. The first guy says, “No, the cord was fine, but
what the heck is a pinata?”

Un marica llega a la casa de su amigo y le pide prestado el ba�o. Un rato despu�s, se escucha un grito en tono de queja:

“�Ah, ah, ah!”

El due�o de la casa le grita al que se est� ba�ando:

“�Est� fr�a el agua?”

“No, el tubo”.

One day grandpa says to grandma “Why don’t we go to the motel like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?”

So they get to the motel and go into the room.

Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up. In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed. She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up ( it’s been awhile ). Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.

Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way. “My God woman” he says “you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!”

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid.”Aren’t you a little young to be drinking, son?” he asked.”That’s nothing,” the kid said after taking a swig of beer.”I got laid when I was three.””What? How did that happen?””I don’t remember. I was drunk.”

A man goes into a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, “What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and then answers, “A quickie.” The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?” Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away. A man sitting at the next table then leans over and whispers, “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche.'”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face.”

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers.”

The third old man laughed and said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!”

A young man decided to join the police force. Being a recruit, he was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”

He answered, “Call for backup.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman