Category: other

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!”

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says…
“Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!”

When is the only polite time to slap a midget?

When he says, “Gee, your hair smells terrific.”

Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer’s day? A: I’m bacon!

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ‘yahoo’ and rode off.

‘What did you do to get that Indian so excited?’ asked the service station attendant.

‘Nothing,’ shrugged the woman, ‘I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.’

‘Lady,’ the attendant said, ‘Indians ride bareback…’

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, “So what’s bothering you, dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father…”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, “He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that damn gun…'”

Campeonato mundial de forzudos. Dos tremendos hombres de color disputan la final. Uno mira con desaf�o al otro; de pronto le mete el dedo en el culo y lo levanta en vilo.

El estadio euf�rico estalla en aplausos y silbidos. El otro negro mira inmutable a su rival… Aprieta los cachetes y le quiebra el dedo.

The bachelor finished his meal and placed his tip on the table. The waiter took one look at the 15 cents and said:”Thank you for your generosity. You can always tell the character of a diner by the way he tips.”

“Oh, really?” he said. “What do these five-cent coins tell you about me?”

“Well, yoe put the three coins in a row,” said the waiter. “That tells me you are tidy for starters. The first coin tells me you are frugal and the second coin tells me you are a bachelor.”

“That’s true,” said the diner, somewhat impressed. “And what does the third coin tell you?”

“That tells me your father was a bachelor too.”

�Cu�l es la diferencia entre una novia, una amante y una esposa?

Que la novia te dice “�ay, que dulce!”, la amante dice “�ay, que vigor!”, y la esposa dice:

“Hay que pagar la luz, hay que pagar el tel�fono, hay que pagar el cable…”

You know you are addicted to coffee if …

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people’s fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

A thief had been arrested for robbery and was thrown in jail, the next morning
he escaped. “I got to lose these prison clothes,” The thief said so he strips
down and leaves his clothes in the trash can in a local park. He sees three very
attractive nuns coming. So hype jumps into the bushes, but his boner was
sticking out “damn it!� The first nun comes by and pulls on the theirs cock, he
reaches down and throws her a stick of gum off the ground. She says �Oyo sisters
come over here, look what this vending machine gave me!”
Excited the second nun pulled on the thief�s dick; he bends down and throws
her a quarter from off the ground.
“Oh praise the lord heavenly Jesus, I got a quarter” the nun said.
The thief looked down to find something to give to the third nun but their was
nothing left on the ground.
The third nun comes and she starts pulling’, she’s tugging and pulling’ and
tugging and pulling’ “Oh lord, I think it broken,” she said. “Pull it one more
time really hard sister,” the first two say.
“OOOOO”
“WUD U GET”

Q:what does a jew say when he walks into a wall with a hard on
A: ouch my nose

What do you call a Paki that came last in a race?

– “Ranshit”