Category: other

What’s the best thing to come out of a penis?

The wrinkles!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Se dice que un general del ej�rcito tenia tendencias “raras”, le gustaba partir nueces con los codos, era gay pues, y llama a un soldado y con el aire marcial del ej�rcito le dice:

“Soldado God�nez.”

“A sus �rdenes mi General.”

“Soldado, le ordeno que me haga el amor”

“Perd�n mi general no le entiendo.”

“Que le ordeno que me haga el amor o lo encierro 6 meses, por insubordinamiento.”

Ante la amenaza de encarcelamiento, el soldado accede y una vez que el General se pone en posici�n, el soldado saca su arma y se dispone a ejecutar la orden.

Todo va transcurriendo “normalmente” hasta que el soldado, invadido por la calentura, se pone jacarandoso y le empieza a besar el cuello al General, por lo que el general se levanta r�pidamente y le dice:

“�Momentito, soldado, sin mariconer�as por favor!”

Pop-I the Sailor Man Tot-Tot
Lives in a Garbage can Tot-Tot
He turned on the heeter and
Burnt off his peter
Pop-I the Sailor Man Tot-Tot!!!

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

2. You’re sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. Your underwear starts creeping up on you…and you enjoy it.

5. You tune into the easy listening station…on purpose.

6. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large..In that order.

7. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.

8. Someone compliments you on your layered look…and you’re wearing a bikini.

9. You keep repeating yourself.

10. You start video taping daytime game shows.

11. At the airport, they ask to check your bags…and you’re not carrying any luggage.

12. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

13. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar…a month at a time.

14. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

15. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

16. When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out…and it stays out.

17. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

18. Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

19. You keep repeating yourself.

20. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

21. You discover the words, “whippersnapper”, “scalawag” and “by-cracky” creeping into your vocabulary.

22. You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

23. You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

24. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

25. You look both ways before crossing a room.

26. Your social security number only has three digits.

27. You keep repeating yourself.

28. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

29. It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.

30. You go to a Garden Party and you’re mainly interested in the garden.

31. You find your mouth making promises your body can’t keep.

32. The waiter asks how you’d like your steak…and you say “pureed.”

33. At parties you attend, “regularity” is considered the topic of choice.

34. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.

35. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

36. Your back goes out more than you do.

37. You keep repeating yourself.

38. Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.

39. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as “The Hi-Fi.”

40. You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.

41. You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

42. Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

43. Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

44. The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style…come back in style.

45. All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.

46. The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

47. You keep repeating yourself.

48. You find this list tasteless and insensitive

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours.The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, ‘Give it a shot father’. After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says ‘Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!’ The Priest says, ‘Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?’The Fisherman responds (THINKING QUICKLY), ‘I’m sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called – a sonofabitch!”Oh, I’m sorry’, replied the Priest. ‘I didn’t know.’ After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.’Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!’ ‘Please Father’, said the Bishop. ‘Mind your language, this is a house of God.’ ‘No, you don’t understand’, said the Priest. ‘That’s what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!’ ‘Hmmm’, said the Bishop. ‘You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner.’ So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. ‘Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?’ ‘My lord, what language!’, said the Mother Superior. ‘No, Sister’, said the Bishop. ‘That’s what the fish is called – a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we’d like you to cook it.’ ‘Hmmm’, replied Mother Superior. ‘Yes, I’ll cook that sonofabitch tonight.’ Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. ‘I caught the sonofabitch!’, said the Priest.’And I cleaned the sonofabitch!’, said the Bishop.’And I cooked the sonofabitch!’, said the Mother Superior.The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, ‘You know, you fuckers are alright’.

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet “God”.

“Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here” God said to her. “Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DON’T Step on the ducks” God said. “We love and cherish ducks here”.

So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OPPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him.

Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and God tells her the same thing. “Do whatever you want, just DON’T step on the ducks”. So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on a duck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with a ugly, hideous man.

The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet and God and he tells her the same thing. “DON’T STEP on the ducks”.

Finally, a few weeks lateer, Olivia and Sarah are with their ugly men and they run into Jenn. And Jenn is with the most gorgeous guy that anyone had seen.

“How did you get so lucky and have such a hot guy”? Sarah asked her.

And the gorgeous guy looks up and says “I stepped on a Duck”!

Why aren’t afghanastan people in the olympics?

Because there is no camel hunting in the olympics!

Yo’ mama so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample!

Father Larry is in the confession booth one day when he has to go to the bathroom really bad. He Calls over to the janitor. Jim ,the janitor, comes over and Father Larry explains that he has to go to the bathroom and wants Jim to take over in the confession booth for him. Jim explains that he is not even catholic and does not think it would be appropriate for him to take over, Father Larry insist and explains to Jim that if somebody enters the booth to just look up the punishment in the book on the table. Jim agrees and sits down in the booth. The first sinner comes in and says ‘Father I have sinned, I have cursed at my mother’ Jim thumbs through the book and finds ‘cursing at mother’. Jim reads the note and tells the sinner to say two hail Mary�s and they are forgiven. A minute later another sinner comes into the booth and says ‘Father I have sinned, I cheated on my test’. Once again Jim looks it up in the book and tells the sinner to say three “our Father’s” and they will be forgiven. Jim starts top enjoy his new job and becomes more relaxed. The next sinner walks in and say ‘Father please forgive me, I have sinned.’ Jim says ‘My son, What have you done’ The sinner replies ‘I have had anal sex’ Jim, feeling very comfortable goes over to the book and looks up anal sex, not finding anything he checks again, but sure enough they is nothing for anal sex. Jim starts to get worried and then he notices little Billy playing out back. Jim calls out to Billy ‘hey Billy what does Father Larry give for anal sex?’ Bill shouts back ‘Two twinkies and a coke!

Yo’ mama like a Big Mac — full of fat and only worth a buck!

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.

What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.

You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.

You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating…

You finish off as an orgasm.

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!”

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says…
“Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!”