Un tipo se acerca d�a

Un tipo se acerca d�a a d�a a una chica en la oficina. Se para muy cerca de ella, respira profundamente y le dice que el olor de su cabello es alucinante. Luego de una semana de la misma rutina, la mujer ya no puede soportarlo m�s, as� que entra en la oficina de su jefe y le manifiesta su intenci�n de levantar una queja por acoso sexual contra ese hombre.

El jefe le pide que le explique sus razones y al saberlas, sorprendido le pregunta:

“Pero, �qu� tiene de malo que un compa�ero de trabajo te diga que tu cabello huele estupendamente?”

“�Que es un enano!”

God and the Scientist

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him,

“God, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to
create life out of nothing – in other words, we can now do what you did in the
beginning.”

“Oh, is that so? Tell Me…” replies God.

“Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of
you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”

“Well, that’s very interesting…show Me.”

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the
shape of a man.

“No, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”

Van un manco, un cojo

Van un manco, un cojo y un parapl�jico al santuario de Lourdes, para ver si all� pueden curarles algo. Cuando llegan al manantial el manco decide meter el mu��n en el agua, al rato saca el brazo y ve que tiene la mano completa.

“�Dios m�o, gracias por este milagro, te rezar� todos los d�as!”

El cojo se queda alucinado y decide meter �l tambi�n la pierna; al cabo de un rato la saca y dice:

“�Dios m�o! �Milagro, mi pie vuelve a estar en su sitio y con todos sus dedos! �Gracias!”

Total que el parapl�jico dice:

“�Por favor, compa�eros, m�tanme a mi entero en el agua, a ver si yo tambi�n me curo!”

Sus amigos lo meten con todo y la silla de ruedas dentro del agua y un momento despu�s lo sacan.

“�Qu� pasa? �C�mo te sientes? �Intenta levantarte!”

El inv�lido pretende pararse, pero tras varios intentos se rinde:

“No puedo, esto no ha servido de nada”.

Y dicen sus amigos:

“�C�mo que no ha servido de nada? �Mira tu silla: rines de aluminio, espejo retrovisor y con motorcito!”

Sex Addict

A man goes to the doctor and says “Doc, you gotta help me!” The doctor asks, “What’s your problem?” The guy says every morning I wake up with my “morning flagpole”… I give the missus a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbour’s wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boinking. For afternoon tea, I give the boss’s wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the missus another screw……”So…????” asked the doctor.”What’s your problem???”The guy says “Well, it hurts when I masturbate!”

Tomorrow’s final

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow’s final exam.

He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s death.

One smart ass, male student said, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”, and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, “Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.”

The 2000 Darwin

The 2000 Darwin awards!And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is…..(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions.Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to “live on Zionist time.” Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.

The Top 15 Layoff Greeting Cards

15> Roses are red, violets are blue.

Al Gore’s out of work, and so are you.

14> Your writing was great!

Such a way with cards!

Now please leave quietly

Or we’ll call the guards.

13> We all know that you’re valuable,

You do so many things,

But we found someone for half your pay

With dreads and eyebrow rings.

12> Your poems were sublime!

Your work left us gaspin’!

But the prez wants to build

A new condo in Aspen!

11> Roses are red, violets are blue.

I wouldn’t get sick, if I were you:

You’ve lost your job, and your insurance, too.

10> Get Re-employed Soon!

9> We realize that on this solemn day,

A part of our company goes with you.

We strongly suggest that you put it back.

Signed, the guys in Security.

8> Don’t think of it as getting older.

Think of it as dying penniless after a meal of Alpo on toast.

7> You are invited to a layoff!

Date: Today

From: Management

For: Restructuring

Bring: Your belongings

6> During your times of suffering, when you could see only one

set of footprints, it was then that you had your feet on

the desk and your lazy ass was playing Minesweeper.

5> At writing cute poems, you were the bomb,

But now we suggest: monster.com.

4> We hope this friendly greeting card

Will ease your post-job tension,

At least until you find that we

Have pissed away your pension.

3> In order to replace your work,

We’ll have to count on Tom.

We’re sure that he can handle

Surfing redhotbuns.com

2> Your work was really wonderful,

But we have to boost our stock.

We’re really sad to see you go —

Please don’t rampage with your Glock.

1> You’ve been a great employee,

So diligent and true.

But there is no “i” in “our team,”

And now there is no “u.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

FBI Agent for Hire

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said “To be
in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in
the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man
took the gun, hesitated, and said “Sorry, I can’t do it.”

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said “To be in the FBI
you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next
room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the
gun, walked into the room, then walked out. “Sorry,” he said.

The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said “To be in the FBI you
must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I
want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun and
went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man came out of the room and said “Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so
I beat her to death with the curtain railing!”