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John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding
anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what would you like for your anniversary?” John asks.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
“Sorry, I wasn’t planning to spend that much,” says John.
sup da wack da playstion da sup da wac motha fucka suppa chizzel
my nizzle brother dizzle with a counsin who has the mizzles and
no dizzle wanna touch my titie with your wittie can a wash my
winkie in your kitchen sinkie (you have to be like 25-35 to
get this joke)
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual sex addict.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.”
The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor’s words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, “If you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Little Johnny asked his dad what a vagina looks like. His dad said, “Well Johnny, before sex it looks like a nice beautiful rose.”
Little Johnny asked his dad, “Well, then what does it look like after sex?”
His dad replied, “Well Johnny, have your ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaisse?”
November 22, 1996 – Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy pattern
told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (does a complete circle, usually done to
provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, “Do you know
it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?”
Without missing a beat the controller replied, “Roger, give me four thousand
dollars worth.”
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November 15, 1996 – What the…?! PSA was following United, taxiing out for
departure. PSA called the tower and said “Tower, this is United 586. We’ve got a
little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first.”
The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to
object to the impersonation.
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November 8, 1996 – Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an exceedingly
long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too
high…San Jose
Tower: “American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take
the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.”
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November 1, 1996 – Ouch! Western Airlines had a term for its second officers.
The term was “GIB,” and stood for “Guy In Back.” The term was strictly
unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems
that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the
discovery that a “gib” is a castrated tomcat.
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October 11, 1996 – What Is That Thing? It was a really nice day, right about
dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in
order to land at Kansas City…
KC Approach: “Malibu three-two-Charlie, you’re following a 727, one o’clock
and three miles.
“Three-two-Charlie: “We’ve got him. We’ll follow him.”
KC Approach: “Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o’clock
and three miles. Do you have that traffic?
“Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl) “Well… I’ve got
something down there. Can’t quite tell if it’s a Malibu or a Chevelle, though.”
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September 6, 1996 – Mmmm-mmm, Good! Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff,
contact Departure on 124.7.”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure… by the way, as we
lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7…
Did you copy the report from Eastern?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635 cleared for takeoff… and yes, we copied
Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers.”
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June 28, 1996 – No, That’s not what I Said! O’Hare Approach Control: “United
329, traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, 3 miles, eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got that Fokker
in sight.”
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.”So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?””Why, I’ve been to the pub of course” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening”.”I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.”Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
One day, Bill Clinton and the Pope died. Bill Clinton was saying,� Yes!! No I
get to go to hell and meet the devil!” The Pope was saying,� Finally, after all
these years, I get to meet the Virgin marry.” Well, while they were waiting to
go to heaven, the office angels accidentally switched their files. So Bill
Clinton ended up going to heaven, and the Pope to hell. Well after about 2
weeks, God realized that the files were switched. So he ordered them to go to
the right places. Well on the way to their places, Bill Clinton and the Pope met
up with each other’s elevator. The pope was excited, “NOW I FINALLY GET TO MEET
THE VIRGIN MARY!!!” Then Bill Clinton replied, “SHE AIN’T NO VIRGIN ANY MORE!”
Q)Why did the ant fall off the dunny bowl? A) He got pissed off.
What were the last words spoken before the first Christams?
– “Push, push!”
Juliet: Romeo, do you love me?
Romeo: Of course I do!
Juliet: Prove it!
Romeo: How do I do that?
Juliet: Whisper something soft and lovely in my ear.
Romeo: Lemon meringue pie
Did you hear about the pollack in the emergency room with third degree burns to his face?
He was bobbing for french fries.
1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
2. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
3. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You!… Off my planet!
9. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
12. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
14. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you
haven’t fallen asleep yet.
15. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
16. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
17. Chaos, panic and disorder — my work here is done.
18. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
19. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a
paycheck.