Category: other

A woman gets a facelift for her 47th birthday.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand and asks the sales clerk, �How old do you think I am?�

�About 32,� the clerk replies.

�I�m actually 47,� the woman says.

She then goes into McDonald�s and asks the cashier the same question.

�I�d guess about 29,� she says.

�Nope, I�m 47,� the woman replies.

Later, as she waits for the bus, she asks an old man the same question.

�I�m 78,� he says, �and my eyesight is starting to go. But when I was young, you could determine a woman�s age by putting my hand up her shirt and feeling her boobs.�

Curiosity getting the best of her, she says, �What the hell, go ahead.�

He slips his hand up her shirt and, after a few minutes, says, �You�re 47.�

�That�s amazing!� she says, stunned. �How did you know?�

�I was behind you in line at McDonald�s.�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

An Aussie student was walking on campus one day when another Aussie rode up on a shiny new bicycle.

‘Where did you get such a nice bike?’ asked the first.

The second Aussie replied,
‘Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
“Take what you want.”‘

The first Aussie nodded approvingly.

‘Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted.’

The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with
callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.

Caller : I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator : I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct? Caller :
Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

* * *

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator
: Woven? Are you sure? Caller : Yes. That’s what it says on the label – Woven in
Scotland.

* * *

Caller : I’d like the RSPCA please.

Operator : Where are you calling from?

Caller : The living room

* * *

Caller : The water board please.

Operator : Which department?

Caller : Tap water.

* * *

Operator : How are you spelling that?

Caller : With letters.

* * *

Caller : I’d like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.

Operator : Do you have his name?

Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.

* * *

Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.

Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?

* * *

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told
the worried operator: “I haven’t got a pen so I’m steaming up the window to
write the number on.

The Virgin Mary has VD and she got it off of a dog and gave it to her boy David.

Mike Andersen
[email protected]

Sitting beside Ben in the bar was the ugliest woman he’d ever laid eyes on, so ugly was she, in fact, that he refused each and every one of her advances.

After awhile, having had one too many, the woman said “Y’know, mishter, if I have one more drink I’m really gonna feel it.”

Turning to the woman, Ben said, “T’tell the truth, sister, if I have one more drink, I prob’ly won’t mind.”

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult,” Ashcroft said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.

They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘there are 3 sides to every triangle’.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, Tony Blair said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

There was a boy riding on his bike outside a church.
The priest saw him and told him to come into the church and the boy said,”…But they’ll steal my bike.”

The priest explained how the Holy Spirit would take care of it, so they went inside.

The priest showed the boy how to make the sign of the cross and told the boy to repeat it…”In the name of the Father, The Son…Amen”

The priest said,”What about the Holy Spirit?”
The boy replied, “Its outside taking care of my bike!”

he is so darn thin that when he is so full he cannot fart.

A man takes his wife to the doctor. She’s a knock-out! Blonde, beautiful, buxom.

But she’s got a problem, she’s a nymphomaniac.

He tells the doctor, “This is one hot lady, doc. Maybe you can do something for her.”

“We’ll see,” the doctor said. He directed the mans wife to the examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress.

Then he tells her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her bottom, she began to moan and squirm.

He couldn’t resist. He jumps on top of her, sticks it in and begins pumping away.

The man waiting outside heard moaning coming from the examining room so he burst in to see the doctor banging away.

“Hey Doc! What in the hell are you doing?”

Quite flustered, the doctor thinks fast, then stammers out, “I…I…I was just taking her temperature.”

The man reaches into his pocket withdraws a rather large pocket knife, opens it and holds it against the doctor throbbing prick buried in his wife’s bush.

Then he smiles and announces, “Doc, when you pull that thing out, it better have some fucking numbers on it!”

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding
anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

“No,” she responds.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”

“Well what would you like for your anniversary?” John asks.

“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.

“Sorry, I wasn’t planning to spend that much,” says John.

your so poor that I walked in your front door
and came out the back!

Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It’s $5 if you’ll make your own bed.

Guest: I’ll make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. I’ll get you some nails and wood.