How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
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La maestra en la clase
La maestra en la clase de Pepito:
“Ni�os, hoy vamos a ver las suposiciones. A ver Luisito, dime una suposici�n”.
“Mi hermanito estaba llorando. Supongo que ten�a hambre”.
“Muy bien. Pedrito dime una suposici�n”.
“El tel�fono son�. Supongo que alguien estaba llamando”.
“Muy bien. Pepito dime una suposici�n”.
“Mi pap� tom� el peri�dico. Supongo que iba a cagar”.
“�Pepito! S� tu pap� tom� el peri�dico se supone que fue para leerlo”.
“No maestra, el burro de mi pap� no sabe leer”.
THE NEW PRIEST
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak.
after mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. the monsignor replied, “when
i’m worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, i put a glass of vodka next to
the water glass. if i start to get nervous i take a sip.” so the next sunday he
took the monsignor’s advice. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and
took a drink. he proceeded to talk up a storm. upon return to his office after
mass he found the following note on his door:
1) sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) there are 10 commandments, not 12
3) there are 12 disciples, and not 10
4) jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
6) we do not refer to jesus christ as the late o.k.
7) the father, son and holy ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and
spook
8) david slew goliath, he did not kick the s*** out of him
9) when david was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was
stoned off his ass
10) we do not refer to the cross as the big t
11) when jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, “take this and eat
it, for it is my body,” he did not say “eat me”
12) the virgin mary is not referred to as the “mary with the cherry”
13) the recommended grace before a meal is not: “rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the
grub, yeah god”
14) next sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at st. peter’s, not a
peter-pulling contest at st. taffy
Very good reason
The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”
Estaba una pareja de casados
Estaba una pareja de casados haciendo un 69 cuando, de repente, la esposa exclama:
“�Viejo, viejo, asesinaron a Ruiz Massieu!”
Molesto, el esposo le reclama:
“Ya te dije que no veas tanto las noticias por TV”.
“Y yo ya te dije que de una buena vez por todas dejes de limpiarte el culo con el peri�dico”, contesta la mujer con un moh�n.
Kick the cat
Little boy had a bad day at school, stomping through the yard he kicks the cow, after a few more steps he kicks a pig.
His mother watching said ” Young man, just for that you don’t get any beef or pork for a week!”
Just then his father comes up to the porch, going up the steps the dad kicks the cat.
The little boy turns to his mother and asks, “Are you going to tell him or should I??
Submitted by Curtis
Rejection Letters
Dear Sir: A few days ago, you phoned us about the job you
applied for with our company, and we told you that you did not
get the job. However, we are now writing to inform you that you
did not get the job. We wanted to make sure you understood that.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department
********************
Dear Sir:
Congratulations! You got the job! That is probably what you were
hoping this letter would say. But it doesn’t, because you didn’t.
Sincerely,
Human Recourses
********************
Dear Sir:
You recently applied for a position with us, but you did not get
it, as we have informed you by phone and by mail. However, we
have not heard back from you that you completely understand that
you failed to get the job. Please call or write and let us know
that you realize that you are not employed by us in any way, and
never will be.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department
********************
Dear Sir:
Please be advised that the person we hired instead of you has
been promoted to department manager, and he has asked us to
inform you that, should a position open up, he would not hire
you.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department
********************
Dear Sir:
Would you consider taking a job for less pay than we originally
discussed, even though we would never offer you such a job?
Sincerely,
Personnel
********************
Dear Sir:
If it is any consolation, we feel that if we had hired you, by
now we would have been forced to let you go.
Sincerely,
Human Recources
********************
Dear Sir:
We are writing to find out what kind of carpeting and curtains
you want in your new office. . . . Wait, we made a mistake.
You’re the wrong person. Oh, well, we’re going to go ahead and
send this letter to you anyway.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department
********************
Dear Sir:
Could you report for work first thing Monday morning, if you had
a job? Just curious.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department
********************
Dear Sir:
While updating our file of job applications, yours was folded
into a paper airplane and was accidentally sailed out the
window. Would you mind filling out the enclosed application and
mailing it back to us in the shape of an airplane?
Sincerely,
Personnel Department
********************
Dear Sir:
It has come to our attention that an employee in our department
has been sending you unauthorized and inappropriate letters. We
have told him not only that he is fired but that we are hiring
you in his place. He left here in an uproar, swearing that he
was “going to find (you) and crush (your) head like a walnut.”
(Some of us think he said “like a peanut,” but most think he
said “walnut.”) If he shows up at your apartment, please explain
to him that we were just kidding; we would never hire you.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department
Jaimito era un gamberro en
Jaimito era un gamberro en clase. La maestra era ciega. Un d�a enfadada le mando a todo el mundo a raparse la cabeza. Jaimito penso: “C�mo me voy a rapar la cabeza con mi cabello tan bonito como lo tengo.”
Entonces tuvo una idea. Al d�a siguiente la maestra empez� a tocar las cabezas de los ni�os y todas estaban correctas, pero cuando lleg� a Jaimito, Jaimito le puso el culo para que lo tocara y la maestra exclam�:
“�Muy bien, Jaimito y con la raya en medio!”
More controversy in
More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel.
The Orange Seller
Once there was a dumb orange seller who worked at a very
successful orange stand. One day a customer came to him and
asked:
“How much are these oranges?”
The man replied in a squeekiy voise ” I dunno?”
The owner yelled back “Your supposed to say ’25 cents!'”
Man: “25 cents”
Then a second costomer came up:
Costomer: “Are these oranges fresh?”
Man: “25 cents”
Owner: “No NO you say ‘yes, yes very fresh!'”
Man: ” yes, yes very fresh”
Then a thitd costomer walks up and says:
Costomer: “Can I buy these oranges?”
Man: “25 cents”
costomer: “I don’t want the price! Can I buy these oranges?”
Man: “Yes, yes very fresh!”
Owner: “No, no your supposed to say ‘Quick before sombody else
does'”
Man: “quick before somebody else does!”
Then a Robber comes in and says:
Robber: “How much money is in the cashregister?”
Man: “25 cents!”
Robber: “Are you bein’ fresh with me?”
Man: “Yes, yes very fresh!”
Robber: “Do you want me to shoot you?”
Man: “Quick before somebody else does!”
Nuns Confessional
Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man�s private parts. The priest asks, “What part of your body did you use?” The nun replies, “My right hand.” The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary�s and all will be forgiven.The second nun goes into the confessional and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts.” The priest asks, “What part of your body did you use?” The nun replies, “My left hand.” The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary�s and all will be forgiven.Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, “Would you mind if I went first?” The third nun says, “Sure I don’t care, but would mind telling me why?” The fourth nun replies, “Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!”
One Too Many
Sitting beside Ben in the bar was the ugliest woman he’d ever laid eyes on, so ugly was she, in fact, that he refused each and every one of her advances.
After awhile, having had one too many, the woman said “Y’know, mishter, if I have one more drink I’m really gonna feel it.”
Turning to the woman, Ben said, “T’tell the truth, sister, if I have one more drink, I prob’ly won’t mind.”