Category: other

A woman was visiting an Indian reservation one day when an Indian came up to her. He had a feather in his hair. “How did you get that feather?” the woman asked.”I screw one squaw,” the Indian said. Then, another Indian came up to her. He had two feathers in his hair.”How did you get those feathers?” she asked. “I screw two squaw,” he said. Then, an Indian with a headdress of feathers came up to her.”My! How did you get all those feathers?” she asked. “I screw two squaw, four squirrel, five rabbit, eight bear.” he answered. “Oh dear!” said the woman. The Indian replied, “No deer, deer jump too high, balls get stuck in bush.”

Q:Why did they shut down all the WalMarts and K-Marts in Bahgdad?

A:Because they turned them in to Targets!!!!

Leave a telephone message for your boss to call Mr. Lyon. Make sure the # he/she is supposed to call is that of your local zoo. Note – This also works with the name Myra Mains, make sure the number is a funeral parlor.

Now, something for the new secretary… New secretary answers telephone as is told in official tones: “This is the phone company. We are testing a new circuit wiring scheme in your offices. Please keep everyone off the phones for the next 10 minutes. We will be verifying the correct wiring of your system by passing HOT STEAM through the wires. Instruct your employees to place their phones on the floor, or, better yet, wrap them in towels to avoid scalding themselves. We will advise you when the tests are complete $click$”

After momentary panic, watch as the secretary begins a frenzied “Paul Revere” routine, running from desk to desk while glancing frequently at her watch.

Just as the 10 minutes are about up, she bursts into her boss’s office (while he is in the midst of an important long-distance call) and, screaming, grabs the receiver from his hand and flings the whole phone under his desk…

Also…

Try supergluing a quarter to the sidewalk. I know its old, but in the city, with the diverse types of people around, it gets really amusing. I watched this old lady whack at it with her cane for about 10 min. cursing……

Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria. One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest; he sat at the head of a table, with the other six friends sitting along the sides. When the cafeteria was pretty full of people, he made a loud noise (to attract attention), stood up, bent over and squeezed his chest. This caused a huge gush of green liquid to spew all over the table; the other six immediately began to eat this green liquid. I think a lot of food went uneaten that night.

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave
Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope
made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish
community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would
leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man
named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To
make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope
agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other
for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a
circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope
pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope
stood up and said, �I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had
happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still
one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show
him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and
showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to
show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of
original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. �What happened?”
they asked. �Well,” said Moishe, �First he said to me that the Jews had three
days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told
me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were
staying right here.”
�Yes, yes, and then???” asked the crowd.
�I don’t know,” said Moishe, ” He took out his lunch, and I took out mine.”

The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

The Jews had trouble throughout their history with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apolstles.

Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.

Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.

The seventh commandment is “thou shalt not admit adultery”

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

The people who followed Jesus was called the 12 decibles.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opposums was St. Matthew. Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large thighs or women with thin thighs.

The results were pretty surprising.

10% of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.

10% of the men preferred women with thin thighs.

And the other 80% preferred what’s in between them.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Tres tontilandeses en un Jeep por el desierto. El carro se da�a. El m�s avispado (es un decir) propone:

�Recuperemos del carro lo que podamos necesitar para la larga caminata�.

Y se apodera del radiador.

�Por si nos da sed�.

El segundo: �Yo tomo un sill�n, por si me canso�.

El �ltimo: �Yo me llevo la puerta, por si tengo calor, abro la ventanilla�.

This pirate had a parrot and all it every said was “Polly wanna cracker.” One day the parrot was sitting on the pirate’s shoulder and it kept saying “Polly wanna cracker, Polly wanna cracker.”

The pirate said, “This is your warning. If you don’t shut up, I’m goin to flush you.”

The parrot said, “Polly wanna cracker, Polly wannna cracker.”

The pirate said, “That’s you being flushed.” So the pirate flushes the parrot and the parrot sings “Floating down the river on a Hershey Bar.”

Un hombre se quejaba de un fuerte dolor en el hombro y un amigo le dice, “Hay una computadora en la farmacia que puede diagnosticar cualquier cosa, mucho m�s r�pido y m�s barato que un doctor. Pones una muestra de tu orina y la computadora te diagnostica tu problema, y te sugiere qu� hacer. Adem�s, s�lo cuesta 5 pesos”.

El hombre llen� un frasco con orina y fue a la farmacia. Encontr� la computadora y puso la muestra de orina dentro de la m�quina. Luego deposit� los $5 en la ranura. La computadora comenz� a hacer ruidos, a encender y apagar varias luces, y luego de una peque�a pausa, por una ranura sali� un papel que dec�a:

Ud. tiene hombro de tenista
Frote su brazo con agua caliente y sal
No haga esfuerzos f�sicos de magnitud
En dos semanas va a estar mucho mejor

M�s tarde, decidi� probar si la computadora pod�a ser enga�ada. Mezcl� agua de la canilla, un poco de caca del perro, un poco de pis de la hija y su mujer. Para terminar, se masturb� y puso su semen en la extra�a mezcla. Fue a la farmacia, encontr� la computadora, y le puso la mezcla, adem�s de los $5. Despu�s de los sonidos y luces de rigor, la m�quina imprimi� el siguiente an�lisis:

Su agua es demasiado impura: C�mprese un purificador
Su perro tiene par�sitos: D�le vitaminas
Su hija se droga: Int�rnela en un instituto de rehabilitaci�n
Su esposa est� embarazada: Y no es suyo. Consiga un abogado
Y si no deja de masturbarse, no se le va a curar nunca el hombro.

“My Army invaded Kuwait and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker”
“Dukakis-Bentsen in ’92”

“If you don’t like the way I reign get out of small, neighboring countries”

“Bomb me, I need the insurance”

“Shi’ites happen”

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, “Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”

The priest says, “Is that you Tommy?”

“Yes father, it is I.”

“Who was the woman you were with?”

“I cannot tell you… for I do not wish to sully her reputation.”

The priest asks, “Was it Brenda O’Malley?”

“No, father.”

“Was it Fiona MacDonald?”

“No, father.”

“Was it Ann Brown?”

“No, father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest says I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys.

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, “What happened?”

Tommy replies, “I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Yisman

La maestra en la clase de Pepito:

“Ni�os, hoy vamos a ver las suposiciones. A ver Luisito, dime una suposici�n”.

“Mi hermanito estaba llorando. Supongo que ten�a hambre”.

“Muy bien. Pedrito dime una suposici�n”.

“El tel�fono son�. Supongo que alguien estaba llamando”.

“Muy bien. Pepito dime una suposici�n”.

“Mi pap� tom� el peri�dico. Supongo que iba a cagar”.

“�Pepito! S� tu pap� tom� el peri�dico se supone que fue para leerlo”.

“No maestra, el burro de mi pap� no sabe leer”.