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The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable.
The three of them decide to duck inside.
On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.
“Jesus Christ!” he says.
Joseph says, “Quick, Mary, write that down! It’s a hell of a lot better than Clyde!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Q. What was the witch’s favorite subject in grade school?
A. Spelling
A un alumno de una escuela rural que iba en primer a�o lo quer�an cambiar a segundo a mitad del curso. Muy inteligente el muchacho, �no? Su maestra le hace tres preguntas enfrente del rector para saber si acepta el traslado.
“A ver, Checo, �qu� es lo que hace un hombre parado, una mujer sentada y un perro en tres patas?”
“Pues saludar, maestra”.
“Muy bien. Ahora dime, �qu� es lo que primero le mete un hombre a la mujer cuando se casan?”
“Pues el anillo, maestra”.
“Por �ltimo. �A qu� me refiero cuando te digo que las vacas tienen cuatro y yo dos?”
“A las extremidades inferiores, maestra”.
“Muy bien, Checo”.
La maestra se dirige al decano y le pregunta:
“�C�mo lo ve? �Lo pasamos a segundo?”
“�Por m�, p�selo a sexto, porque yo me equivoqu� en las tres!”
George and God
George wanted to perform a leap of faith to prove to his friends that God does exist, so they all drove up to nearby Mount Sarcasm. At the top of the plateau they stopped and all got out and George says I will prove to you once and for all that God is real.
The friends all look at each other and laugh… one guy says Soooooo, let me get this straight…ya gonna jump of this mountain with no parachute and hope that this almighty is gonna catch ya?
Yes says George full of confidence.
The friends all laugh louder this time and goad George on to do the jump. One guy by the name of Sid says Hey George, since ya gonna die, can I have ya boots?
George sneered at the remark, ran towards the edge of the mountain and leapt off.
On the way down he gets very disconcerted that God had not shown up yet to save him and soon realises that he is going to die any second. His last vocal was OH, GOD HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee…thud!
The friends looked over the rim and Sid says Well, I guess I get those boots after all huh! The other friends smiled but could not believe that George actually did it. So they all got into the car and drove off…not even stopping to get the boots of their departed friend.
White light and suddenly George wakes up in heaven…where he meets God.
George looks up at God and said Why the heck didst thou forsake me oh lord?
God looked at George, smiled gently, and said
My son, you shouted OH, GOD HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee…but you forgot to say PLEASE
Luego de comerse tres platos exquisitos en un restaurante de lujo, el cliente llama al mozo:
“Camarero, todav�a me he quedado con hambre, �qu� me aconseja pedir?”
“�Quiere un consejo sincero? Pida la cuenta y estoy seguro que se le pasar� el apetito”.
A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break…but MATH? It was devastating! Not only to him, but to his mom and dad, too! They tried anything and everything to help their son… private tutors, peer assistance, CD-ROMs, extra textbooks, even hypnosis. Nothing worked.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Weekly mass. The whole shootin’ match. Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing. They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room – and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card – unopened – in his hand.
Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!? Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red “A” under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son!
“Was it the nuns that did it?”, the father asked.
The boy only shook his head and said, “No.”
“Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?”, asked the mother.
Again, the boy shrugged, “No.”
“The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?”, asked the father.
“Nope,” said the son. “It was all very clear to me from the very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!”
“How so?”, asked his mom.
“When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they’d nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were serious!
Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow by
Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby, Honnecker arrives in
Moscow. As part of the celebration activities, there is a big parade through the
streets of Moscow. While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a
small boy aside and asks him, “Who is your mother?” The child replies, “Mother
Russia.” “And who is your father?”, asks Gorbachev. The boy answers, “Why, its
you Uncle Gorbachev!”. Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, “and what do you want to
be when you grow up?”. The boy proudly replies, “a good communist!”.
Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very impressed. So
impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to [East] Berlin for a visit.
Again, after weeks of preparation, Gorbachev’s plane lands in Berlin. And again,
part of the celebration includes a parade. Remembering what Gorbachev did in
Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene: He asks a little boy in the crowd, “Who is
your mother?” The child replies “the GDR [German Democratic Republic – East
Germany].” “And who is your father?”, asks Honnecker. “Why, its you Uncle
Honnecker!”, replies the child. “And what do you want to be when you grow up?”
queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies “an orphan.”
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!””Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
Why did the student eat his homework?
His teacher said it was a peace of cake.
Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small
business.
“I started a new practice last year,” the first one said. “I insist
that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”
“Why in the world would you do that?” the other asked.
She responded, “It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do
without.”
Llega una se�ora forastera a la panificadora del pueblo y, al ver a un panadero trabajar, se horroriza y corre a acusarlo con el due�o:
“�C�mo es posible tanta asquerosidad! Ese panadero de all�, el que est� todo sudoroso, para ponerle el chipotito a los bisquets se los pone contra el ombligo. �Si hubiera visto usted semejante barbaridad!”
“Uy, se�o, ust� ni aguanta nada. �Lo viera haci�ndole el agujero a las donas!”
A woman was visiting an Indian reservation one day when an Indian came up to her. He had a feather in his hair. “How did you get that feather?” the woman asked.”I screw one squaw,” the Indian said. Then, another Indian came up to her. He had two feathers in his hair.”How did you get those feathers?” she asked. “I screw two squaw,” he said. Then, an Indian with a headdress of feathers came up to her.”My! How did you get all those feathers?” she asked. “I screw two squaw, four squirrel, five rabbit, eight bear.” he answered. “Oh dear!” said the woman. The Indian replied, “No deer, deer jump too high, balls get stuck in bush.”