Category: other

Q: What is the ultimate rejection?
A: Your hand falls asleep while masturbating.

En el cielo, mientras San Pedro est� repartiendo las habitaciones llegan al mismo tiempo un sacerdote y un abogado. San Pedro env�a al abogado a un penthouse con TV, aire y otros lujos, mientras que al sacerdote lo env�a a una habitaci�n sencilla con un abanico, una vela y la Biblia. El sacerdote, enojado por lo que recibi�, sale a reclamar y le dice a San Pedro:

“�Por qu� a mi, que he sido un hombre dedicado a todo lo bueno, me das una habitaci�n sencilla y a �ste que es un abogado le das un penthouse?”

Entonces San Pedro le contesta:

“�Lo que sucede es que sacerdotes tenemos de sobra, pero �ste es el primer abogado que nos llega al cielo!”

Un barco estaba hundi�ndose. El Oficial gritaba:

“�Todos a los botes salvavidas! �Las mujeres y los ni�os primero!”

En ese momento el Capit�n fue uno de los primeros en subir al bote salvavidas. El Oficial, indignado, le reclam�:

“�Mi Capitan, que all� hay mujeres!”

A lo que el Capit�n respondi�:

“S� hijo, �para follar estoy yo ahora!”

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.

The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive.
The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi’s pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.

Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. “Having children is an act of God!”

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said..

“Point of information – snow and rain are also ‘acts of God’, but we wear rubbers!”

What is Iraq’s national bird?

Duck.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?

Nothing………. yet.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?2. I’d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.3. If it’s true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.6. You are so fine that I’d eat your shit just to see where it came from.7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let’s go fuck.9. Is that a keg in your pants? ‘Cause I would love to tap that ass!10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don’t know whether to mount you or eat you!12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special. 13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside? 14. I’m not too good at algebra, but doesn’t U+I = 69?15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I’ll give you the meat.16. Guy: “Would you like to dance?” Girl: “I don’t care for this song and surely wouldn’t dance with you.” Guy: “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants”17. I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house. 18. Fuck me if I’m wrong, but is your name Yolanda?19. I love every bone in your body – especially mine.20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.21. Hey baby, what’s your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?22. I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?….Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.24. Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be. 25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? 26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I’d be coming too.28. I’d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.29. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

What is a fart?

A Turd honking for the right of way….

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, “Hey, sarge, why did you stop?”The sarge replied, “He’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.”

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent’s bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.

He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, “Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb”

Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as
“Suffer from diarrhea.”
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American
campaign: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”
Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into German only to find
out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “manure
stick.”
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later
they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of
what’s inside, since most people can’t read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious
porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which
promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts
read “I saw the potato” (la papa).
Pepsi’s “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi brings
your ancestors back from the grave” in Chinese.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Ke-kou-ke-la” meaning “Bite the
wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke
then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “ko-kou-ko-le”
translating into “happiness in the mouth.”
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to
have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you”. Instead, the
company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so
the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable.

The three of them decide to duck inside.

On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.

“Jesus Christ!” he says.

Joseph says, “Quick, Mary, write that down! It’s a hell of a lot better than Clyde!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo