Category: other

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said “Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I’ll be across the field.” A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking “What’s wrong? I told you to be quiet.”

The son answered, “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said “Should we eat them here or take them with us?” I panicked…

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said ‘yes’. The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! ‘Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…’ After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal. ‘Oh’, she said, ‘I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.’

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in
timesheets that specify large amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code
5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your
unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based
on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you
are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list
immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not
Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5511 Feeling Horny

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen
Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity.Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?” Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in. When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates.”How can you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said.Bush replied, “Well heck, I dont know.” St. Peter says, “Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?” Bush replies, “Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?” St. Peter says, “It must be you, George, c’mon on in.”

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth,
‘I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.’

The Pope says, ‘No way. You can’t do that.’

The Queen says, ‘Watch this.’ So she waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union jacks on sticks and cheering and basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going, ‘Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she’d be able to do it.’

So he thinks for a minute and then he turns to her and says, ‘I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.’

The Queen says, ‘No way. It can’t be done.’

So the Pope head butts her.

Q: What is the ultimate rejection?
A: Your hand falls asleep while masturbating.

A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an equally good job of stopping the circulation.

Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an
airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the
windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, “Holy cow! Look
how short the runway is! I`ve never seen one that short!”

The copilot looked out the windshield. “Wow! you`re right! That`s
incredible! Are you sure we can make it?” “Well we better, were
almost out of fuel.”

So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to
put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency
landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to
just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the
ragged edge of control. The pilot`s hands were sweating, the copilot
was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST
before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

“WHEW! That was CLOSE!” yelled the captain.”That runway was SHORT!”
“Yeah!” said the copilot,”and WIDE too!”

En el cielo, mientras San Pedro est� repartiendo las habitaciones llegan al mismo tiempo un sacerdote y un abogado. San Pedro env�a al abogado a un penthouse con TV, aire y otros lujos, mientras que al sacerdote lo env�a a una habitaci�n sencilla con un abanico, una vela y la Biblia. El sacerdote, enojado por lo que recibi�, sale a reclamar y le dice a San Pedro:

“�Por qu� a mi, que he sido un hombre dedicado a todo lo bueno, me das una habitaci�n sencilla y a �ste que es un abogado le das un penthouse?”

Entonces San Pedro le contesta:

“�Lo que sucede es que sacerdotes tenemos de sobra, pero �ste es el primer abogado que nos llega al cielo!”

There was a blind man and his seeing eye dog,and they decided to go to a store so they walked to the store and all of a sudden the blind man grabes his dogs by the tail and started swinging him around, and some of the employees saw the old man and started to go ask the old man what he was doing but they decided to tell the manager so they told the manager and the manager goes to the old man and asks him “sir is there something wrong can I be of some assistance”.But the old man says “No were just looking around”.

An man walks up to a clerk at a pharmacy and asks to buy some
condoms. The clerk asks, “What size do you wear?” The man
replies, “I don’t know.” The clerk unzips his pants and takes a
feel. She then picks up the intercom and says, “Large condoms to
aisle 4 please.” The man zips up his pants and leaves.

Later another man walks up to the clerk and asks to buy some
condoms. He doesn’t know his size either. The clerk unzips his
pants and takes a feel. She then picks up the intercom and says,
“Medium condoms to aisle 4 please.” The man zips up his pants
and leaves.

A while later a teen comes in, shaking nervously. “Let me
guess,” says the clerk, “condoms?” “Yes”, he replies, “but I
don’t know my size.” She checks, picks up the intercom, “Clean
up aisle 4!”

This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!” one of the crowd responded.

“Wait,” yelled Jesus, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

“Aw, C’mon, Dad…,” Jesus cried, “I’m trying to make a point here!”