Category: other

There once was a man with a lisp who wanted a job as a salesman really badly. So one day he went to a salesperson and told him how much he wanted the job. The salesperson didn’t think he had the potential to be a salesman but he decided to give him a chance anyways. So he said to the man “If you can sell these toothbrushes, I will give you a job as a salesman.”

A week later, the man comes back with a big grin on his face and tells the salesperson that he has sold all the toothbrushes. Astonished, the salesperson asks, “How did you do it?! I have been trying to sell those brushes for months now.”

“It was quite easy,” said the man. “Here, want a piece of chocolate?”

“Sure,” said the salesperon and ate it.

“This chocolate tastes like shit!” he yelled disgusted.

“It is,” said the man smiling. “Want a toothbrush?”

It’s 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west. The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon.

The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, “Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?”

Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, “Son, I don’t usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you.”

The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, “You look good. You’re wearing black, you’ve got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what’s more important, son, is: Can you shoot?”

The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player’s right sleeve.

Bat Masterson said, “That’s good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?”

Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player’s left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun.

“How was that?” the boy asked Masterson.

Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, “That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn’t do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you.”

“What’s that?” the boy asked.

“I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard.”

Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that. Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, “Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he’s going to take those two guns of yours and shove em up your ass . . “

El mozo de bar se niega a servirle una copa m�s a un tipo que est� completamente ebrio. El beodo le reclama con prepotencia:

“�Eh, t�! �No sabes qui�n soy?”

“Realmente lo ignoro, se�or. Pero no se preocupe, que ya se acordar� cuando se le baje la borrachera”, le contesta el camarero con circunspecci�n.

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. “How About Friday?” My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials.

In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for “perverts” (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: “(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!” (Lucent Technologies)

Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. “What’s your job there?” the caller asked me.

“I’m the president,” I replied.

There was a pause. Then he said, “I’ll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something.”

Okay, so there was three men on a plane and the piolot said,
“The luggage weighs to much, each of you drop one thing.” So
each of them dropped one thing. The 1st man dropped an apple,
the 2nd man dropped an orange, and the 3rd dropped a stick of
dinamite. So, the three men landed safely and they were walking
along when:
They saw a little girl crying, “Why are you crying?” and the
girl said back, “An apple fell down and hit me in the head!” So,
they walked on and they saw a little boy crying. So they said,
“Why are you crying?” ANd he said back, “An orange fell out of
nowhere and hit me in the head!” So they walked on and they saw
an old lady crackin her head off. “Why are you laughing?” The
men said…….”I farted, and my house blew up!!!!!!!!!!!!!” the
elderly lady said back.

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United
States Air Force because I know I couldn’t hack it in the Army and because the
Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work
done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear
not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test
as a valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even
though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling
everyone by their first name because I know I’m not really in the military and I
find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of
life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware
of that fact.

After completion of my — snicker — “basic training,” I will be a lean, mean,
donut eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne
Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort
to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will
do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy
those around me, and will go home early everyday.

I consent to never getting promoted — EVER — and understand that all those
whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.

So help me God.

Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high, voice, “Could you please take me to Times Square?”

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation, “Hey sista, that’ s kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat?”

The nun says, “Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?”

The cabbie, “About dis celibacy thing, are you telling me you never think about doin’ it?”

The nun, “Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh you understand.”

The cabbie, “Well, woulda ever consider, you know, doin’it?”

The nun, “Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstan ce, I might consider it.”

The cabbie, “Well what would dose conditions happen to be?”

The nun, “Well he’d have to be Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly, he coul d have no children.”

The cabbie, “Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why do you se come on up here…I won’t even make you really break your vows. All you got ta do is go down on me.”

The nun looks around…they are awfully far away from where anyone would recogn ize her…at the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By the ne xt light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is s miling from ear to ear.

As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh.

The nun inquires, ” Why, my son, what is so humorous?”

The cabbie sneers, “Sista, I got ya, I’m Protestant, I’m married, and I got four kids.

And from the back of the cab comes the nun’s low voiced response, “Yeah, well m y name’s Dave and I’m on my way to a costume party.”

Resulta que Cornelio se ha casado con Facilisa, y �sta, la noche de bodas, coloca un cofre cerrado con un gran candado al pie de la cama.

“�Para que es ese cofre, cielo?, pregunta Cornelio, “Ese es un secreto m�o que nunca te voy a decir”, le reponde su amada.

Cornelio, respetuoso del sentir de su mujer, no vuelve a preguntar. Al volver del viaje de bodas, Facilisa coloca al pie de la cama de su nuevo hogar el dichoso cofre. Cornelio, presa de la intriga y la duda, le vuelve a preguntar: “Vida mia, despu�s del maravilloso viaje de bodas, no me puedes decir que es lo que guardas con tanto celo en ese cofre?” “No, querido m�o. Como te he dicho antes, es mi secreto y no te lo dir�.”

As� pasan muchos a�os, sin que Cornelio pregunte m�s por el cofre. Sin embargo, al cumplir 50 a�os de casados, despu�s de la celebracion, Cornelio persiste nuevamente y dice: “Amor mio… son ya 50 a�os de casados. Hemos compartido mucho, y la verdad es que creo que es tiempo de que me digas lo que guardas en el cofre.” Facilisa, conmovida por la escena, finalmente accede, y al abrirlo, Cornelio encuentra dentro cinco granitos de maiz y una bolsa repleta de dinero.

Cornelio, perturbado, le pregunta a su mujer: “�Y eso, para que lo has guardado con tanto celo? “Debo confesarte, responde Facilisa, que por cada vez que te he sido infiel, guardaba un granito de maiz en el cofre.” Cornelio, aunque decepcionado, se consolaba pensando que cinco infidelidades, en 50 a�os de casados, despu�s de todo no era tanto. Entonces, pregunta a Facilisa: “�Y el dinero?” Y le responde Facilisa: “Es que cada vez que juntaba una tonelada de ma�z, pues la vend�a.”

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like a Polish sausage.”

The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?”

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.” If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?”

The clerk says, “Well, no.”

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?”

The clerk replies, “Because this is Home Depot.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Los reci�n casados llegan a la habitaci�n del hotel. El marido est� impaciente por comenzar. La novia, tranquilamente, se sienta en la cama, se quita la peluca y la tira al armario; luego se saca la dentadura postiza y la echa al armario, a continuaci�n, se quita un pecho y lo arroja al armario; despu�s se desenrosca la pierna de palo que llevaba y al armario; al quitarse el brazo ortop�dico le susurra al marido:

“Cari�o, ven”.

“��Ad�nde, a la cama o al armario?!”

Se encuentran dos amigos despu�s de a�os de no verse.

“�Qu� pas� Juan! �C�mo has estado?”

“Bien, Jos� �y t�?”

“Bien.”

Y queriendo entablar conversaci�n uno le dice al otro, “Oye, �te acuerdas de la Juana?”

Y el otro le contesta, “�C�mo no me voy a acordar de ella, si cuando era m�s peque�o le daba yo hasta por el culo.”

A lo cual le contesta el otro, “�Qu� pas� mi amigo, si ella es mi esposa!”

Y el otro apenado le contesta:

“�Bueno, como ahora ya crec�, le debo de dar por los hombros!”