You Know You’re From Utah When…..

Green jell-o with carrots mixed in doesn’t seem strange.

You can pronounce Tooele.

The U is not just a letter – Neither is the Y.

You are not surprised to hear words like “Darn, Fetch, Flip”, “Oh, My Heck” and “Shoot”.

Your tulips get snowed on three times after they come up and twice more after they bloom.

Hunting season is a school holiday.

The largest liquor store is the state government.

You can go skiing and play golf on the same day.

30% humidity is muggy and almost unbearable.

Somewhere in your family tree is a polygamist.

You know the difference between a ‘Steak House’ and a ‘Stake House’.

You can see the stars at night

You were an aunt or uncle before you were three.

Your spouse’s mother was pregnant at your wedding.

You have more children than you can find biblical names for.

Your family considers a trip to McDonald’s a night out..

Your first child was conceived on your honeymoon.

You drink Coke from a brown paper bag.

You consider a temple recommend a credit reference.

You believe that you must be 18 or older to order coffee at a restaurant.

You wonder why fire truck drivers honk when you drive 35 mph in the left lane on the freeway.

You think Jack Daniels is a country western singer.

You can make Jell-O salad without the recipe.

You have two gallons of ice cream in your freezer at all times.

Your father-in-law thinks Ronald Reagan was a liberal.

Cars in the slow lane are traveling the fastest; cars in the fast lane are traveling the slowest; cars in the middle lanes are always trying to exit.

You have to ask for the uncensored version of “Titanic.”

Hotel rooms all have the Book of Mormon.

You buy your wardrobe at the local grocery superstore.

You learn about the Mormon Church by taking history in elementary school.

Schools stay open, even if two feet of snow falls overnight, but close for the opening of hunting season.

People wear shorts and T-shirts if the temperature rises above 32 degrees.

There is a church on every corner, but they all teach the same thing.

The most popular public transportation system is a ski lift.

People drive to Idaho (or Arizona) to pick up a gallon of milk so they can play the lottery.

In-state college football rivalries are bigger than the Super Bowl.

Every driveway has a minivan and a pickup truck.

When you buy a new vehicle, cigarette lighters are optional equipment but gun and ski racks are standard.

Every time a new family moves into your neighborhood, the local elementary school has to hire a new teacher.

Your paycheck has an additional 10 percent deduction.

“Temple recommends” is acceptable identification for cashing a check.

More movies are filmed in your town than in Hollywood.

You make a toast with red punch at your wedding reception.

You have more raw wheat stored than some Third World countries.

Your idea of a good time is playing Pictionary in the cultural hall.

Your idea of a wild party is a six pack of Pepsi and a PG-13 movie.

You measure Kool-Aid by parts per million.

You think “You’re a 10 cow wife” is a compliment.

25 childrens books

25 children’s books you’ll never see:

1. You are different and that’s bad.

2. Pop goes the hamster. . . and other great microwave games.

3. Testing homemade parachutes using only your household pets. . .

4. Barbar meets the Taxidermist.

5. Curious George and the high-voltage fence.

6. The boy who died from eating all his vegetables.

7. Start a real estate empire with the change from your mum’s purse.

8. Daddy’s new wife Timothy.

9. The pop-up book of human anatomy.

10. Things rich kids have, but you never will.

11. The Care Bears maul some campers and are shot dead.

12. How to become the dominant military power in your elementary school.

13. Controlling the playground: Respect through fear.

14. You were an accident.

15. Strangers have the best sweets.

16. The Little Sissy who snitched.

17. Some kittens can fly!

18. Getting more chocolate on your face.

19. Kathy was so bad her mum stopped loving her.

20. The kids’ guide to hitchhiking.

21. When Mummy and Daddy don’t know the answer, they say God did it.

22. Garfield gets feline leukemia.

23. Why can’t Mr. Fork and Ms Electrical Outlet befriends?

24. Bi-curious George.

25. Daddy drinks because you cry.

Cat in the Way

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. Shetold them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammedthe door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact,bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the dooragain with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Braggart

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said.

“I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied.

“Let’s see what you got.”

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

Midgets Rock Las Vegas

Two midgets on a bender in Vegas hire two hookers and take ’em out for a night
on the town. After cocktails and gambling, they all head back to their hotel
room at the MGM Grand. But the night doesn’t quite turn out as planned. Since
he’s had too much to drink, one of the midgets can’t get it up at all, and, to
make matters worse, has to listen to the other one say “1, 2, 3, huh,” over and
over again, all night. The next morning, the first midget is complaining.
“Man, did that suck. I was soft all night.”
“You think that’s bad,” said the other midget. “I couldn’t even get onto the
bed.”

Forgive me Father…

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the Priest, “That’s no a sin.”

“But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed.”

“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.”

“Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.”

“What is it son.”

“Do I have to tell him the war is over?”

The Lord gets up one

The Lord gets up one day and decides it’s time to make human
sexuality. He calls his assistant Jocko and asks him to bring a large
bowl over to the ingredient workbench. He then begins the recipe. In
goes a healthy portion of lust, some friendship, understanding, and a
little bit of loneliness. Finally, he adds love and the mixture is
ready for the final touches. He tells Jocko

“Go into the back room and bring me five of the most sensitive
nerve endings we have.”

Jocko’s eyes open wide in astonishment and with obvious fear and
respect stutters

“Ah, sir. You know that I never question anything you do.
After all, you are the Lord. But are you sure that human beings can
handle that much sensitivity ? Remember, we only put two sensitive
nerves in the fingers, and only three under the arms.”

The Lord looks down at his little helper and replies

“Jocko, I know what I’m doing. In fact, make it ten. I think
I’d like to hear my name said out loud once in a while.”