Category: other

Dice Bonifacio a un amigo:

“Me cas� con mi mujer hace veinte a�os. Al principio la besaba y abrazaba tanto que ella tem�a que la asfixiara”.

“�Y ahora?”

“Ahora creo que eso es lo que voy a hacer”.

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates.

St. Peter told the first husband, “I can’t let you in. You let alcohol run
your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.”

Dejected, he turned and walked away.

The next married couple stepped up, and St. Peter told the husband, “Can’t let
you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life.

You even married a girl named Penny.”

The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.

The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations
and said, “Come on, Fanny, he’s not going to let us in either!

For those who want a good founding in Bible studies but don’t want to take the time to read the {rhymes with jammed} thing — here’s the Bible in 50 wordsGod madeAdam bitNoah arkedAbraham splitJoseph ruledJacob fooledBush talkedMoses balkedPharaoh plaguedPeople walkedSea dividedTablets guidedPromise landedSaul freakedDavid peekedProphets warnedJesus bornGod walkedLove talkedAnger crucifiedHope diedLove roseSpirit flamedWord spreadGod remained.

In the international school of Ireland, there is a very patriotic history
teacher.

One day, the teacher asked his students, “Who is the most important man in
the history of the world?” He then offered 2 shillings to the student who
gets the right answer.

A French student stands up and says, “Napoleon was the most important man
in the history of the world.”

The teacher looked at him and said, “Napoleon was a great man, no doubt,
but he wasn’t the most important man, or the man I’m looking for. Sorry, no
shilling for ya.”

Then, an Italian student stands up and says, “Leonardo da Vinci was the
most important man in the history of the world.”

The teacher looked at him and said, “Leonardo da Vinci was a great man
also, no doubt, but he wasn’t the most important man, or the man I’m
looking for. Sorry, no shilling for ya either.”

Then, a Jewish student stands up, out of no where and says, “To me, the
most important man in the history of the world is St. Patrick.”

The teachers eyes became wide with joy and shouted, “YES! This is the man I
was waiting for! St. Patrick is the greatest man in the history of the
world!! Here are ya 2 shillings. Ya earned them!”

After class, the teacher comes up the the happy Jewish student and asks,
“You are Jewish… then how come you said St. Patrick is the most important
man in the history of the world?”

Then the Jewish student replyed, “Well, in my opinion, Moses was the most
important man in the history of the world…but as you know, business is
business.”

Why did the Italian boy want to grow a mustache?
So he could look like his mama.

What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
– A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Genaro se muere y va al para�so, llega a las puertas del cielo y se encuentra con una larga cola. Estando all� una rubia le hace se�as, viendo esto se le acerca a San Pedro y le hace el comentario a lo que le responde San Pedro:

“P�gatela, ya estas aqu�, tu ten�as que portarte bien en la tierra.”

A lo que Genaro le dice:

“�D�nde me la pego?”

San Pedro le responde:

“Ah� en la gramita.”

Genaro se coge a la rubia y vuelve a su puesto en la cola, en eso una morena despampanante le hace se�as y nuevamente le comenta a San Pedro a lo que este le responde que se la pegue en la gramita. Genaro va y zuas se la coge.

Estando en la cola nuevamente, le dan ganas de cagar, y le pregunta a San Pedro:

“San Pedro, �donde puedo echar mi cagaita?”

A lo que �ste le responde:

“�Ddonde m�s, ah� en la gramita!”

“�Y con qu� me limpio?”

“Pues con la gramita.”

Cuando arranca la grama, Genaro siente un co�azo en la nuca y se cae de la cama, la mujer le dice:

“�Co�o’e tu madre, despu�s que me coges dos veces y me cagas, tambi�n me vas a arrancar los pelos de la cuca!”

Un borracho iba con su esposa a su casa a las tres de la ma�ana.

La esposa le dijo: �Cuidado, Manuel, una curva cerrada.”

Y el borracho contesta: “�Y qu� cre�as que a las tres de la ma�ana iba a estar abierta?”

Two fat Indian squaws are walking across a train bridge.

One says,”I got to pee” so she sqats down and pees.

She puts her hand over her mouth and stars to laugh, “heee”.

The other one says,”hey, what so funny?”

“I just peed in a canoe full of moose meat.”

The other sqaw says,”that’s not moose meat, that’s your reflection!”

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

• “As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.”
• “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
• “Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
• “We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.
• Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.
• Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it’s warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it’s dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y’all wanna go there I really don’t know.”
• Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
• And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
• As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, “This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
• As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella…WHOA..!
• “Here are a few heard from Northwest: “Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.
• As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
• “And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.”

Here are some actual statements by several airline flights crews, and occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “In-flight safety lecture” a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported.

“As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

“We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.”

“Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.”

Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The lead attendant announced on the intercom, “This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.”

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, “We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching on the auto pilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella.WHOA..!”

“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”

“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

“Last one off the plane must clean it.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!”

This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City; one of the most bone jarring I’ve experienced,. the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you, it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault…it was the asphalt!”

From an apparently disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to ABC. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. Id you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love most.”

“The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.”

“Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate.”

Another Flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask that you please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

Yo, el pene, pido aumento de salario por las siguientes razones:

� Ejecuto trabajo f�sico
� Trabajo a grandes profundidades
� Trabajo de cabeza
� No gozo de descanso semanal ni d�as feriados
� Trabajo en un local extremadamente h�medo
� No me pagan horas extras ni nocturnidad
� Trabajo en un local oscuro y sin ventilaci�n
� Trabajo a altas temperaturas
� Trabajo expuesto a enfermedades contagiosas

RESPUESTA DE LA ADMINISTRACI�N

Despu�s de lo planteado por el solicitante y considerando los argumentos expuestos, la administraci�n rechaza las exigencias del mismo por las siguientes razones:

� No trabaja ocho horas consecutivas
� Se duerme en el puesto de trabajo despu�s de una corta actividad laboral
� No siempre responde a las exigencias de la jefatura
� No siempre es fiel a su puesto de trabajo, se mete en otros departamentos
� Descansa mucho antes de tiempo
� No tiene iniciativa
� Para que trabaje hay que estimularlo y presionarlo
� Descuida la limpieza y el orden del local al terminar la jornada de trabajo
� No siempre cumple con las reglas de uso de los medios de protecci�n e higiene del trabajo
� No espera a la jubilaci�n para retirarse
� No le gusta doblar turnos
� A veces se retira de su puesto de trabajo cuando aun tiene faena pendiente
� Y por si fuera poco, se le ve entrar y salir constantemente del puesto de trabajo con dos bolsas sospechosas.