Category: other

-What did the hurricane say to the coconut?

-Hold on to your nuts, it’s going to be a hell of a blow job!

Every time Timmy’s mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the closet with his teddy bear. One day, hearing her husband coming up the stairs, she quickly shoved her boyfriend in with Timmy.

“Gee, it’s mighty dark in here,” Timmy said.

“Yes, it sure is,” replied the boyfriend.

“You wanna buy my teddy bear for fifty bucks?” asked Timmy.

“No way, kid. You’re crazy,” said the boyfriend.

“I’ll scream,” said Timmy.

So the boyfriend forked over the money. The next time Timmy’s grandmother came to visit, she noticed that her grandson was buying candy, ice cream and comic books. “Where did you get the money for all those things?” she asked, but Timmy wouldn’t tell her. “Well, if you won’t tell me, you’ll have to go to confession and tell the priest,” said Grandma, and dragged Timmy off to the church.

As he entered the gloomy confession booth, Timmy said, “Gee, it’s mighty dark in here.”

“Are you going to start that shit again?” the priest replied.

A man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him, “I’ve got this problem.”

The psychiatrist asks, “What is it?”

“Well, during the day I’m attracted to women, and for some reason at night I’m attracted to men. Do you know what it could be?”

The psychiatrist reflects for a minute a says, “This sounds like a classic case of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hiney.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci and Curtis

A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful female giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar.The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out. The bartender took one look and said, ….”How did it go last night?”The mouse said, “Man, that was the best sex I ever had.”The bartender asked, “Why do you look so bad?”The mouse replied, “Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must have run 10 miles!”

En plena calle, un vendedor ambulante pasa gritando:

“�Ll�velas, ll�velas, lleve sus pastillas para adivinar!”

Un tipo, interesado en la oferta, le dice:

“A ver, deme unas”.

Al probarlas, el hombre exclama:

“�Gu�cala, esto sabe a mierda!”

Y, con aire de triunfo, el vendedor acepta:

“�Otro que adivina, ll�velas, ll�velas!”

The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.

She said, “Can I stay here for a few days?”

I said, “Sure you can.” And shut the door .

Yo’ mama so fat, the photographer charged her for a family photo!

Llegan un elefante y una hormiga al Registro Civil. Titubeando, el paquidermo se dirige al juez:

“Se�or, juez… Este… Es que nos queremos casar”.

La hormiga lo interrumpe y, recrimin�ndole entre dientes, le reclama:

“�Nos queremos? �Nos teneemooos que casar!”

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi, I’m a zebra! What are you?” “I’m a cow.” “Right, right. What do you do?” “I make milk for the farmer.” “Cool.” The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it.”Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?” “I’m a chicken.” “Oh, right. What do you do?” “I make eggs for the farmer.” “Right, great, see ya round.” Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost like her, but without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?” “I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.”Wow,” said the zebra.”What do you do?” “Take off your pyjamas, darling, and I’ll show you.”

Job Interview TechniquesTake the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.If the room has a sweaty odour, perhaps they’re destined for the Help Desk.If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.If they are sleeping, they are Management material.If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be —
Bonn or Berlin — a compromise was struck: Paris.

A young girl of 12 gets up in the middle of the night for a glass of water.
Hearing muffled noises coming from her parents room, she quietly peeks her
head in. She’s been very curious about sex, and thinks that that must be what
her parents are doing….
She soundlessly returns to bed and resolves to ask her mother about it in the
morning. At breakfast she asks her mother, “Mommy, what’s sex?”
“Sex happens when a man and woman get married,” her mother replies. “The man
puts his penis into the woman’s vagina and they make a baby.”
The little girl thinks for a minute and says, “Mommy, last night I saw you
with Daddy’s penis in your mouth! What do you get when you do that?” Her
mother smiles and says, “Jewelry!”