Category: other

Un hombre de compras descubre una nueva marca de condones: “Condones Ol�mpicos”. Impresionado, compra una caja.

Al llegar a casa, le anuncia a su mujer la nueva adquisici�n:

“�Condones Ol�mpicos?” dice ella “�Y qu� tienen de especial?”

“Vienen en tres colores… Oro, Plata y Bronce, como las medallas.”

“�Y qu� color te vas a poner esta noche?” pregunta ella.

“Oro, por supuesto.” dice el marido orgullosamente.

“�De verdad?… �Y por qu� no usas de plata? �Ser�a bueno que alguna vez no acabaras primero!”

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor, “Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?”

“Elation.”

“And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?”

“I believe that would be giddy up”…..

Ten reasons why beer is better than religion:

1. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.

2. Beer doesn’t try to ruin your sex life.

3. Wars are not fought over beer.

4. They don’t force beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.

5. When you have a beer, you don’t knock on other people’s doors trying to give it away.

6. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of beer.

7. You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer.

8. There are laws saying beer labels can’t lie to you.

9. You can prove you have a beer.

10. If you become addicted to beer, there are groups to help you escape.

What’s the difference between a trampoline and a preacher?
I’ll takes my boots off to jump on a trampoline!

Erase uan vez una huasita que viene a Santiago a ver a una t�a. Y le da por ir a comprar.

Y cuando iba por ah� vio una falda a $7000 y entr� a verla pero se la subieron a $8000.

Despu�s iba por otro lado y vio unos calzones a $3000 pero adentro se los bajaron a $1500.

Despu�s fue al mercado a comprar tomates pero s�lo hab�a penca, ella no quer�a pero igual la tuvo que comprar.

Lleg� a la casa y la t�a le dijo:

“�C�mo te fue?”

“M�s o menos, solo que me subieron la falda, me bajaron los calzones y me metiron la penca.”

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord’s Prayer. For several
evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully
enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into
temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.”

And one particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as
we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy,
don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to
church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright
little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he
moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he
moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking
it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned
toward her mother & whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in
church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had
enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.” “Why? Who’s going to
stop me?” Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, “See those
two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys
began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the
opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say ‘Let
my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'”. Kevin turned to his younger
brother & said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up
to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in
the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died & went to
Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, “Did God throw
him back down?”

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & shouted, “Thou shall not take the covers
off thy neighbor’s wife.”

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s
ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, &
asked, “Johnny what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in
my side. I think I’m going to have a wife!”

This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese: “Our
father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name….”

A man who isn’t qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job
selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit
he will give him a job.

Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack
for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever
buy it.

The owner replies, “Yah, I know. That’s my way of getting rid of that pest!”

Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.
The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow
did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his
clothes torn in several places, but smiling.

“Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old,
ugly, green suit.
But tell me, what in the world happened to you?”

“Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it… said it
fit him great.
As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!”

A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs.He arranged for a hooker to be sent to his room. After they were finished, he said, “I’m afraid my Finnish isn’t too good.”The hooker replied, “Your foreplay ain’t all that hot either!”

A guy stops to talk to a beautiful woman standing alone by a bus stop.

“Hello, I must say, you are about the most beautiful woman I have ever met.”

“Thank you very much,” replied the woman.

The guy quickly follows up, “I was wondering if you’d sleep with me for a million dollars?”

“A million dollars!” the girl responds.

She thinks for a moment and answers, “Yes, I would sleep with you for a million dollars.”

“How about five bucks?” asks the guy.

“Five bucks!? What kind of woman do you think I am?”

“We’ve already determined that,” he replies. “Now we are just haggling over the price.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

Roger goes into a barber shop, sits down in the chair and has his hair cut.

When the barber finishes, Roger gets up, but as he�s pulling out his wallet, the barber goes to take a leak in the corner of the room, then zips up and walks back over.

Handing the barber a $20 bill, Roger says, �It�s none of my business, but why did you just urinate in the corner of your own shop?�

The barber says, �My lease runs out in a week. What do I care?�

The barber goes to the register to get Roger his change. When he comes back, he finds Roger squatting in the corner, dropping a deuce.

�What the hell are you doing?� the barber yells.

�Hey,� Roger says, �I�m leaving now.�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

A golfer enters a tournament and is assigned a caddie. On the first day, the golfer duffs a couple of key shots and does quite bad. He tries to act undisturbed about it and plays the second day, which is even worse. So he plays the third day and totally messes up every shot and has a terrible game. So on the last day of the tournament, he goes out and tries really hard, but he just did worse and worse, so at the end of the round, swearing violently and very frustrated, he shouts to his caddie, who has been quiet all week-end, and says, “You’ve got to be the worst caddie alive!!”The caddie thinks about this, shrugs, and replies, “Nah, that’d be too much of a coincidence!”

Tres parejas, una de adultos cincuentones, otra de cuarentones y una joven pareja de veintitantos, quer�an unirse a su nueva parroquia. El cura les dijo que ten�an que cumplir con una condici�n especial para hacerlo:

“Ustedes deben abstenerse de tener sexo por 2 semanas”.

Las tres parejas estuvieron de acuerdo y volvieron luego de las dos semanas.

El sacerdote fue con la pareja mayor y les pregunt�:

“�Fueron capaces de abstenerse del sexo por estas dos semanas?”

“�Pero por supuesto, padre!”

“�Felicitaciones y bienvenidos a la parroquia!”

Luego se dirigi� a la segunda pareja:

“�Fueron capaces de abstenerse del sexo por estas dos semanas?”

Y el cuarent�n contest�:

“En realidad, la primera semana no tuvimos ning�n problema, pero la segunda semana tuve que dormir en el auto un par de noches, pero lo logramos.”

“�Felicitaciones y bienvenidos a la parroquia!”

El cl�rigo se dirigi� a la joven pareja:

“�Fueron capaces de abstenerse del sexo por estas dos semanas?”

“Bueno, padre, la verdad es que no lo logramos”.

“�Qu� pas�?”, inquiere el religioso exaltado.

“Mi mujer estaba alcanzando una lata de at�n de una repisa de m�s arriba, pero se le tir�, cuando se inclin� para recogerla, no me pude aguantar, me volv� un animal y me aprovech� de ella”.

“�Ustedes entienden que ahora no son bienvenidos en la parroquia?”, dijo el cura con tono solemne.

“S� padre, no hay problema… �total, ahora tampoco somos bienvenidos en el supermercado!”