Christian

A religious man, ignoring a nagging conscience, went bear hunting on the Sabbath even though he knew he was being disobedient to a commandment.

He was feeling a little guilty about it as he entered the woods.

Suddenly he heard a noise close by. Quickly he tried to raise his rifle, alas, too late, for the huge grizzly bear was upon him.

Gazing in horror at the ferocious beast while the huge bear grabbed him in a bear-hug and squeezed the life out if him, he prayed with his last breath, “Please, oh God, make this bear a Christian.”

Immediately the bear released him, knelt down, bowed his head and said, “I give thanks for this food of which I am about to partake.”

Amen.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

New Yorker

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.
”Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a
shortage due to the mad cow disease,” says the waiter.
The Texan says, ”What’s a shortage?”
The Russian says, ”What’s a steak?”
The New Yorker says, ”What’s excuse me?”

George W. and Moses

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked reverently, “Aren’t you Moses?” But the man wouldn’t listen to him and continued walking. George asked him again, ”Aren’t you Moses?” The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man’s arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, “Answer me — Aren’t you Moses?” The man replies, “I’m not saying a thing! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!”

IQ

Bob is throwing a party. He decides that to break the ice at his party, he’ll ask each guest what their IQ is, and then strike up an appropriate conversation from there.

The day of Bob’s party rolls around and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what their IQ is.

“200,000,” replies the first guest.

“Well, that’s great,” says Bob, “Let’s talk about etherial astro physics.” Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while. Later in the party someone else is at the door.

“Hi my name is Bob. Welcome to my party, what’s your IQ?”

The new guest responds with 250.

“Great,” says Bob, “Let’s talk about advanced math.” Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for a while.

Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived, another guest arrives at the door.

“Hi, my name’s Bob. Welcome to my party, what’s your IQ?”

This time the guest pauses before replying: 5.

“Well that’s great,” says Bob, “What kind of drumsticks do you use?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Dealing with criminals

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. “You just won’t believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I’ve never seen anything like it.” “Oh yes dear, what happened ?” “I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.” “Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?” “Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.”

Quick Exit

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “Oh no, My husband has just walked in the door.

Genesis Revised

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.And the Devil said, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.And so the Devil created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, “You want fries with that?”And Man said, “Super size them.” And Man gained five pounds.And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.” And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry’s. And Woman gained 10 pounds.And God said, “Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them.”But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.And the Devil saw this and said, “It is good.”And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.And the Devil cancelled Man’s health insurance.So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken. And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon returning asked Man, “Do I look fat?”And the Devil said, “Always tell the truth.”And Man did.And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.And the Devil said, “It doesn’t get any better than this!”

FBI-CIA-LAPD!!!

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!

Sizing it Up

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows”.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks, “And what are those”?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”?