Category: other

Connorsvill,Wisconsin:
It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

Willowdale, Oregon:
It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.

Oblong, Illinois:
It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
(Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)

Alexandria, Minnesota:
No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.

Ames, Iowa:
A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other— or holding her in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana:
Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown — if they are nude.

Newcastle, Wyoming:
An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store’s walk-in-meat freezer.

Illinois:
A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called “master,” not “mister,” when addressed by their female counterparts.

Norfolk, Virginia:
A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called “corset inspector.”

Merryville, Missouri:
Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the “privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”

(This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, “Hallelujah!” or puke.)

Helena, Montana:
Law mandates that a woman can’t dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Carlsbad, New Mexico:
It’s legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.

Florida:
State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Cleveland, Ohio:
Woman aren’t allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something “he oughtn’t.”

Tremont, Utah
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and “her name is to be published in the local newspaper.” The man isn’t charged nor is his name revealed.

What do you call a bunch of white people running down a hill?

AN AVALANCHE

What do you call a bunch of black people running down a hill?

MUDSLIDE

What do you call a bunch of mexicans running down a hill?

JAILBREAK!!

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions,
or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law
mandates that he must brush his teeth. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in
Ames, Iowa, he isn’t allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying
in bed with you-or holding you in his arms. Bozeman, Montana, has a law that
bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard
of a home after sundown-if they’re nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you’re
safe from the law!) During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should
engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has
curtains. In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people
having sex in a car. It’s safe to make love while parked in Coeur d’Alene,
Idaho. Police officers aren’t allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any
suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from
behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before
getting out of his car to investigate. In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall
shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. In Detroit,
couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place
while the vehicle is parked on the couple’s own property. A law in Fairbanks,
Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets. In Florida it is
illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday
afternoons. In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck
driver inside a toll booth. The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is
required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple,
even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex
unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. Another
law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can’t dance on a table in a saloon
or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. A state
law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister,
when addressed by their female counterparts. An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky
state legislation. “No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway
within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she
be armed with a club”. The following important ammendment however is to be
considered here: “The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to
female horses.” In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex
on the city’s airport property. Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and
accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail
according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law. In Los Angeles, California, a man
is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt
can’t be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife’s consent to beat her with
a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully
stipulated. In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets
because “The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young
woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.” In
Michigan, a woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s
permission. In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal. An ordinance
in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing
inside a store’s walk-in meat freezer! In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can’t go
out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-for man only-called
a corset inspector.) In Oblong, Illinois, it’s punishable by law to make love
while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. In Oxford, Ohio, it’s illegal for
a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man’s picture. In
hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds.
And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a
room for only one night. And it’s illegal to make love on the floor between the
beds! A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a
man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman’s
name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any
punishment. Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse.
Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation is considered sodomy and
can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal – unless performed for profit –
however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy – provided only the missionary
position has been applied – is only a misdemeanor. In Ventura County, California
cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. The only acceptable
sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other
sexual position is considered illegal. In Willow dale, Oregon no man may curse
while having sex with his wife. In the state of Washington there is a law
against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding
night).

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags
over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand,” answered Juan.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that.
Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out
and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has
the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in
the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags,
hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks,
“What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan
crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a
Cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s
driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just
between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”

he who sleep with itchy but wake up with stinky finger

he who stand on toilet is high on pot

HE who stuck in cupboard has ass in jam

Q: Why are electric trains like a mother’s breasts?
A: They were both designed for the kids, but it’s the fathers who are always
playing with them.

How does a [ethnic] man propose marriage?

“You’re having a what!”

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.1. The bandage was wound around the wound.2. The farm was used to produce produce.3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.4. We must polish the Polish furniture.5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.10. I did not object to the object.11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.13. They were too close to the door to close it.14. The buck does funny things when does are present.15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING

Congratulations!

You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:

PLEASE FOR GOD’S SAKE READ THIS OWNER’S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN’T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON “FAST FORWARD”, THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

We’re sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we’re always getting back “defective” merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let’s talk about:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE

The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER’S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae’s last name is “Barker”, if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.

If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe. Besides the device, the box should contain:

* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say “WARNING”

* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY:

a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING:

You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say “Margaret, you know why this country can’t make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul?

Because nobody cares, that’s why.

” WARNING: This is assuming your spouse’s name is Margaret. And not Pete.

2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry’s Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.

DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!

Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE WARNING:

WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF “SHOGUN” ON TAPE.

INSTRUCTIONS:

For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY

Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS “SHOGUN” ON TAPE

Un viejito llega a la farmacia y le dice al dependiente:

“Se�or, me puede dar una cajita de Viagra”.

“S� como no. Trae usted su receta”

“No, pero traigo al enfermo”.

Why did Clemson choose orange as a school color?

So that the football team could wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up garbage for the rest of the week.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

What do you call a teletubbie thats just been robbed?

A tubbi cos its telles been nicked