Category: other

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that’s bad.Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!” The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”. “Wow”, said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen”? “Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.

What do you call three Irish lumberjacks?

Treemen.

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.

John to George: “Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She’s a lot better in bed than my wife!”

Two days later. George to John: “Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

1. when a person is taking there dog for a walk, pet it and play
with it for a long time as long as u can untill the owner of the
dog leaves.
2. If someone has there dog outside, bark at it loudly for a
long time untill the owner lets him in the house when they do,
then say something sarcastic.
3. While some kids are playing a game, join them then brake all
the rules trample them down untill they leave.
4. Go to a mall hide behind something then jump out and fall in
front of someone see if they help u.
5. go to a public bathroom and throw everything around clogg the
sinks up! (ive done this)
6. glogg the bathroom sink turn the water on and leave. (done
this)
7. (something ive done) I went fishing, we caught a little fish,
so we were sorta playing with it. Then we took it all the way to
the public bathrooms, stuck it in the toilet and leave it there
9lucky my parents werent there!)
8. throw worms at someone and start a fight, see who wins! (done
this)

Bible scholars have long wondered how old Isaac was when his father
Abraham took him up to the mountain top to offer him as a sacrifice.
Through careful study of the story as related in the Old Testament,
based on the following facts:

1. Issac was old enough to understand the ritual of sacrifice,
2. Issac was old enough to carry wood for the fire to the top of the
   mountain,
3. Issac was old enough to notice that they were not bringing an animal
   for the sacrifice.

Therefore Issac’s age, at this time, was greater than 8 years old.
Scholars also conclude that he was younger than 12 years old as
supported by the following fact:

If Issac had been older than twelve, he would have been a
teenager and it would not have been a sacrifice.

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a load of holes and buried all the politicians.A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?” The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

Los Derechos de los Estudiantes

Art. 1� El alumno siempre tiene la raz�n… cuando le conviene.

Art. 2� En caso de que el maestro la tenga, se aplica la �ltima parte del art�culo 1�.

Art. 3� El alumno no comete errores, comprueba la sabidur�a del maestro.

Art. 4� Al alumno no lo sacan del sal�n, se sale a tomar el sol.

Art. 5� El alumno no grita, sino que tiene la voz muy fuerte.

Art. 6� El alumno no dice groser�as, expresa sus sentimientos.

Art. 7� El alumno no destruye el pupitre, comprueba su resistencia.

Art. 8� El alumno no pinta los pupitres, solo les da un peque�o retoque.

Art. 9� El alumno no pone apodos, estudia sin�nimos y apariencias.

Art. 10� El alumno no llega tarde, el maestro llega temprano.

Art. 11� El alumno no platica en clase, comenta sus puntos de vista.

Art. 12� El alumno no copia, verifica que el compa�ero no cometa errores.

Art. 13� El alumno contesta no, no porque no sepa, sino porque el maestro ya lo sabe.

Art. 14� El alumno no hace acordeones, sintetiza el tema.

Art. 15� El alumno no come en clase, s�lo se nutre.

Art. 16� El alumno no se sienta mal en el pupitre, busca una postura c�moda.

Art. 17� El alumno no recibe reportes, hace una agradable visita a la m�xima autoridad.

Art. 18� En caso de que el maestro no sepa la respuesta, puede recurrir a los alumnos para aprobar sus conocimientos.

a little boy asks his teacher if he can use the restroom. Sure but first tell me the ABC’s. ok. A b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x w y z. where is the P? running down my leg

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.”Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under … you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!””Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.”Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.””How much do you charge?””A hundred dollars per visit.””I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.”Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.”For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.””Is that so! How?””He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

Un amigo le pregunta a otro, cuya prometida hab�a roto su compromiso:

“�Qu� no le hablaste de tu t�o el millonario?”

“S�, lo hice”

“�Y que pas�?”

“�Qu� ahora ella se convirti� en mi t�a!”

Una pareja tuvo su primera cita y salieron una noche. Cuando salieron, �l se dio cuenta que no llevaba dinero en efectivo y acord� que le iba a pagar a ella $500 por los gastos de la cita que tuvo que desembolsar. Al otro d�a decide enviarle un cheque a trav�s de su secretaria, pero para que �sta no se enterara de la relaci�n que hubo entre los dos, le da a entender que el dinero es en pago por el alquiler de un apartamento. Sin embargo, el tipo decide enviarle un cheque por $300 en lugar de los $500 acordados y le expone las siguientes razones:

“Estimada se�ora:

Le env�o $300 en vez de los $500 acordados en pago del apartamento que alquile pues esperaba otra cosa:

1ro. Esperaba un apartamento sin estrenar.
2do. Que tuviera calefacci�n.
3ro. Que fuera peque�o y result� todo lo contrario, pues estaba usado, era fr�o y ancho.

Atentamente, Sr. Inconforme”.

Al recibir esto, la joven se�ora le contesta:

“Estimado caballero:

Le devuelvo su dinero pues en verdad no lo necesito, pero debo decirle con referencia a lo que dice su carta que usted ten�a que saber:

1ro. Que un apartamento tan bonito no pod�a estar sin estrenar.
2do. Que con seguridad usted no supo encender la calefacci�n.
3ro. Que yo no tengo la culpa de que usted no tenga suficientes muebles para llenar el apartamento”.

Atentamente,
La Due�a.

Connorsvill,Wisconsin:
It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

Willowdale, Oregon:
It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.

Oblong, Illinois:
It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
(Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)

Alexandria, Minnesota:
No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.

Ames, Iowa:
A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other— or holding her in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana:
Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown — if they are nude.

Newcastle, Wyoming:
An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store’s walk-in-meat freezer.

Illinois:
A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called “master,” not “mister,” when addressed by their female counterparts.

Norfolk, Virginia:
A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called “corset inspector.”

Merryville, Missouri:
Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the “privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”

(This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, “Hallelujah!” or puke.)

Helena, Montana:
Law mandates that a woman can’t dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Carlsbad, New Mexico:
It’s legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.

Florida:
State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Cleveland, Ohio:
Woman aren’t allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something “he oughtn’t.”

Tremont, Utah
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and “her name is to be published in the local newspaper.” The man isn’t charged nor is his name revealed.