Category: other

Yo mama’s so dirty, plants grow off her ass.

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled
down his window.

“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

The guy replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop
finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

* Black holes are where God divided by zero.

* All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

* OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

* Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

* When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

* I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

* Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

* 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?

* Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

* When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

* Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

* I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

* Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

* No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

* Two wrongs are only the beginning.

* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

* Change is inevitable… except from vending machines.

* A fool and his money are soon partying.

* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

* I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

* Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

* Half the people you know are below average.

* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn’t have one.

The Pope has one but doesn’t use it.

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince won’t admit that he has one.

Clinton uses his all the time.

What is it?

Answer: A LAST NAME!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Q.Why are chefs so cruel?

A.Because they beat eggs and whip cream!!

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I�m lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hope I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up something to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife�s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was not problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
�Honey, the garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.�

�You know where the button is,� I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam.
�Reset it yourself!�

�But I�m scared!� she persisted. �What if it starts going and sucks me in?�

There was a meaningful pause and then, �C�mon, it�ll only take you a second.�
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn�t the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, which discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movement, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from �Harry and the Twins�

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the �flight� option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impede my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of �been-here, done-that� paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter� and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back into the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about � which it was.

�What�s the matter?� They all asked, �Cat got your tongue?�

Close, but not exactly.

Un marica llega llorando muy angustiado a contarle a su novio que le acaban de diagnosticar SIDA. El compa�ero lo consuela y le dice:

“No llores, amorcito, mira, ponte por las noches una mascarilla de barro”.

El homosexual, emocionado, le pregunta:

“�Y con eso me voy a curar, cuchi cuchi?”

“No, pendejo, pero te vas a ir acostumbrando a la tierrita”.

Como parte de un programa cultural, en la secci�n del teniente Jorge se da el siguiente espect�culo: una bailarina est� haciendo strip-tease delante de los soldados que tienen varias semanas sin ver una mujer de cerca. Con cada prenda que se quita la bailarina, se oye un fuerte aplauso, pero al llegar la parte culminante, cuando la chica se quita la �ltima prenda, el sitio es invadido por un silencio total. Sorprendida, la mujer voltea hacia los militares pregunt�ndoles:

��Qu� pasa, no les gust�?�

“�Claro que nos gust� pero es dif�cil aplaudir con una mano!”, aclara un recluta.

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.”Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?” yelled an irate man. She rolled down her window and said, “What makes you think these are all mine?”

the last thing you want to hear when you get home is: “I saved you thousands of dollars buying in bulk!”

One day, Jack was playing basketball in the living room. He accidentally
threw the ball at the TV and smashed it apart. His mother came into the
room and said, “You son of a bitch.”

Did you hear about the Polish Lesbian ?

She loved men……