Category: other

Despu�s de una larga y tendida sesi�n amorosa, el hombre se da la vuelta, saca un cigarrillo de sus jeans y busca su encendedor. Como no lo encuentra, le pregunta a su compa�era si tiene uno a la mano.

“Debe haber algunos f�sforos en la mesita de noche”.

�l abre el caj�n y encuentra la cajita de f�sforos, al lado de la foto de un hombre. Naturalmente, el joven se preocupa.

“�Es tu esposo?” pregunta nervioso.

“No, tontito”, responde ella acurruc�ndose amorosamente.

“�Tu enamorado, entonces?”

“No, para nada”, dice ella, mordisque�ndole la oreja.

“Bueno, �quien es �l entonces?”, pregunta desconcertado el muchacho.

Serenamente, la chica responde:

“Soy yo antes de la operaci�n”.

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at
Yale’s Research Center. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no
protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have
one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons 75 vice- neutrons and 11 assistant
vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium caused a
reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in
less than one second.

Administratium has a normal life of approximately three years, at which time
it does not actually decay but, instead, undergoes reorganization in which
assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic weight usually increases after each
reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium
occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large corporations, universities and hospitals and
can actually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John. “I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

What is the difference between a Pencil and a Building that is 62 stories high?

There are too many to mention!

1) When there’s only one other person in the elvator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day
been?”

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, “That’s mine!”

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, “Did you feel that?”

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay,
don’t panic, they open again!”

15) Swat at flies that don’t exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, “Group Hig!”and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, “Your one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, “I have new socks on”.

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, “This is MY personal space!”

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to lay hands on his daughter. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.
“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re certainly not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do This. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too–there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it, and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate–ink washes off–and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
From The 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a
collect telegram, which read, “I am perfectly well.”

A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel — collect — on which he had
to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete,
which had this message, “This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.”

What did the doe say upon exiting the woods?

“I’ll never do that for a buck again.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report activities while he was gone.

A few days later he received this report:

Most Hon’ble Sir,

You leave the house.
I watch house.

He come to house.
I watch.

He and she leave house.
I follow.

He and she get on train.
I follow.

He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree – look in window.

He kiss she.
She kiss he.

He strip she.
She strip he.

He play with she.
She play with he.

I play with me.
Fall out of tree.

Not see.
No fee.

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

“And just where have you been until this hour?” demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

“Down at the office,” he replied, “working like a dog.”

What did a german guy get his son for his birthday?

An easy bake oven

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?”

He said, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours.”