An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some counselling from the marriage guidance mob, to see if their union could be saved. The counsellor did her best, but to no avail. The old folk were absolutely* determined* to go through with separation leading to divorce. Finally, in some desperation, the counsellor said: “But you’re 95 and your wife is 93. You’ve been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??”To which the wife replied: “We haven’t been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up.”
Category: other
Un tipo llega a pedir
Un tipo llega a pedir trabajo en una granja y el due�o lo interroga:
“�Sabes arrear ganado?”
“�No!”
“�Sabes manejar tractor?”
“�No!”
Y as� le sigui� haciendo preguntas, a las cuales el individuo le contestaba siempre que no. El granjero, ya desesperado, le pregunta:
“En concreto, �qu� sabes hacer?”
Y presto el hombre le responde:
“�Ah, pues en concreto si me la pellizca, porque soy alba�il!”
Un granjero y su joven
Un granjero y su joven esposa viv�an en el campo y un cura los visitaba de vez en cuando y ellos lo invitaban a cenar un caldo de gallina.
Esto sigui� por alg�n tiempo y el cura empez� a ir pr�cticamente todos los d�as. El granjero ten�a que irse a trabajar en el campo mientras el cura acompa�aba a la joven esposa, y cada vez que el granjero regresaba, su esposa le ped�a que matara una gallina para la cena.
Despu�s de un duro d�a de trabajo el granjero estaba metiendo el tractor al granero cuando su esposa se asom� a la puerta de la casa y le grit� que le llevara una gallina para que pudiera cocin�rsela al cura. El granjero, que ya no aguantaba al sacerdote, grit�: “�A joder con el curita!”
A lo que la joven esposa replic�: “Eso ya lo hice, pero de todos modos necesito la gallina.”
Strange but True
– In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s illegal to catch mice without a
hunting license.
– Dr. Seuss coined the word “nerd” in his 1950 book “If I Ran
the Zoo”
– It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for
a year’s supply of footballs.
– Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.
– There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald’s Big
Mac bun.
– The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.
– Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
– The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola,
and Budweiser, in that order.
– When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of
25 miles per year.
– It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs.
– The Bible has been translated into Klingon.
– Humans are the only primates that don’t have pigment in the
palms of their hands.
– Ten percent of the Russian government’s income comes from the
sale of vodka.
– Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
immigrants.
– On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every
year.
– In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the
world’s nuclear weapons combined.
– Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
– Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches.
– Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average
age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
– Elephants can’t jump. Every other mammal can.
– The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
– Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple,
and chocolate.
– According to one study, 24% of lawns have some sort of lawn
ornament in their yard.
– Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in
history.
One day, a guy dies
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.
Devil: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I’m in Hell.
Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well, You’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that’s all we do.
Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Mt.
Dew. We drink until we throw up and then drink some more.
Guy: Wow, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: Yeah , you better believe it.
Devil: All right ! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from around the world and smooke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s
okay…. you’re already dead.
Guy: No Way !
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yeah, I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack,
horseraces, you name it. we even opened a Pai Gai Poker table.
Guy: I never played that before.
Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, i love drugs! You don’t mean…
Devil: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl
of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. Do all the drugs you
want. If you overdose, It’s Okay… you’re already dead.
Guy: Alright ! I never realized that Hell was such a swinging place!
Devil: So…. are you gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna hate Fridays!
Una mujer preocupada acude al
Una mujer preocupada acude al m�dico, porque cuando se desnuda se le ponen los pezones r�gidos.
“Vamos a ver, desn�dese”, le solicita el doctor.
La mujer se desnuda y, al quitarse el sujetador, se le ponen los pechos duros y erectos apuntando hacia arriba.
“�No puede ser! H�galo otra vez”, le ordena el galeno.
La mujer repite la operaci�n con id�ntico resultado y, viendo la cara de asombro del facultativo, pregunta:
“�Es grave, doctor?”
Mostr�ndole el pene totalmente erecto le reponde:
“Grave no s�, pero contagioso…”
Telegram
A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a
collect telegram, which read, “I am perfectly well.”
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel — collect — on which he had
to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete,
which had this message, “This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.”
Buck
What did the doe say upon exiting the woods?
“I’ll never do that for a buck again.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Chinese Detective
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report activities while he was gone.
A few days later he received this report:
Most Hon’ble Sir,
You leave the house.
I watch house.
He come to house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree – look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree.
Not see.
No fee.
Doing 3 knots!
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old times sake.
He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
After a couple of minutes he asks, “How am I doing?”
The prostitute replies, “Well sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”
“Three knots?” He asks. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in and you’re knot getting your money back.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Cannibal Jokes
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone’s eaten.
What is a cannibal’s favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.
Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture? Eatin’ Allen’s.
What did the cannibal give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A box of farmer’s fannies.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
What do cannibals make out of politicians? Bologna sandwiches.
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
What is a cannibal’s favorite game? Swallow the leader.
Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and a leg.
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?
Cannibal: One who loves his fellow man with gravy.
Cannibal’s recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.
One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn’t like.
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, “Gee, I hate my mother-in-law.” The 2nd replies, “So, try the potatoes.
The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, “Aren’t you done eating yet?” The 2nd cannibal replied, “I’m on my last leg now.”
One day a cannibal visited the neighboring island of cannibals. There, people cost $2 but politicians cost $25. The visiting cannibal asked, “How come politicians cost so much?” The chief answered, “Do you know how hard it is to clean one of those?”
A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, “You can kill me or you can eat me, but I’m tired of getting stuck for drinks.”
Vision Blurs
“In my case,” said the student to the sex researcher, “when I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it’s all the way in, I can’t see a thing.”
“Now, that’s an most interesting optical reaction, that may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis.” the researcher replied. “If you don’t mind young man, I should like to have a look at it.”
So, the student volunteer stuck out his tongue….