Category: other

Dave, John and Sam were involved in a horrific car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven, Saint Peter came up to them and said,

‘You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds and will have your transport chosen accordingly’

Saint Peter looked at Dave.
‘You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times. For this you will drive around heaven in an old, beat-up Skoda.’

Next Saint Peter looked at John.
‘You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this you will forever travel through heaven in a Lada station wagon.’

Saint Peter finally looked at Sam.
‘You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex before marriage and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.’

A short time later, John and Dave pulled their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the bonnet, head in hands, crying.

‘What’s wrong Sam?’ they asked. ‘You got the Ferrari. You’re set forever. Why so down?’

Sam looked up ever so slowly, opened his mouth and cried,
‘I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.’

How do you get an [ethnic] down from a tree?

– You cut the rope.

One evening a man drove his secretary home after she had worked late at the office and wasn’t feeling well enough to drive herself. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.Later that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heeled shoe half hidden under the passenger seat.Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.”Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”

“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs”.

“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?”, the judge asked the second boy.

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever.”

“One-hundred-fifty people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?”

“Well, I used a similar approach. I said, “This small circle is your asshole before prison….”

A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a
huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified
woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to
return her beloved grandson. And, lo, another wave reared up and deposited the
stunned child on the sand before her.
The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she
stared up angrily toward the heavens. “When we came,” she snapped indignantly,
“he had a hat!”

1. No es palo pero le dicen garrote.
2. No piensa pero tiene cabeza.
3. No tiene piernas pero se para.
4. No es indecente pero escupe.
5. No es resorte pero se estira y se encoge.
6. No es ave pero le dicen paloma.
7. No es bonito pero les encanta a las mujeres.
8. No es tel�n pero se sube en el acto y se baja al terminar.
9. No es vaca pero da leche.
10. No es telescopio pero hace ver estrellas.
11. No es son�mbulo pero se levanta de noche.
12. No es caballero pero se para ante las damas.
13. No comete delitos pero es muy perseguido.
14. No es analg�sico pero sirve de calmante.
15. No es instrumento pero le dicen �rgano.
16. No es instrumento pero le dicen flauta.
17. No es palmera pero tiene cocos.
18. No es soldado pero igual ataca por delante que por detr�s.
19. No es talquera pero echa polvos.
20. No es melcocha pero todas se mueren por chuparlo.
21. No es droga pero las pone en trance.
22. No es brujo pero encanta a las mujeres.
23. No es cuchillo pero abre heridas que no cierran nunca.
24. No es brusco pero hace llorar.
25. No es caballo pero se le montan encima.
26. No es vampiro pero vive colgado.
27. No es gallina pero tiene huevos.
28. No es bailar�n pero se menea sabroso.
29. No es nave espacial pero lleva a otros planetas.
30. No pertenece a ning�n club pero le llaman miembro.
31. No es atractivo pero a todas les gusta.
32. No es marciano pero tiene un solo ojo.
33. No es bombero pero tiene casco.
34. No es luchador pero a veces usa m�scara y capa.
35. No es instrumento pero le encanta que lo toquen.

Yo’ mama so fat, when she jumps off the high dive, she shows up on radar!

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge
for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and
walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t
say a word… he knew better.

What is the difference between a piece of toast and a french man?
You can make soilders out of toast

A man went to a payphone out the front of a church. The cost of the call was 40c.

He went inside and said to the priest, I have been around the world and in nearly all the church payphones I go to the calls cost $10000, when I aksed why, they said it was becuse the phone was a direct link to god. Oh okay i said.

But when i got here the call cost is 40c. Why. Are you a direct link to god as well?

Yes said the priest but for us it is a local call!

One day Joe walks into the breakroom at his work, and all of his
coworkersask why he has two black eyes.

He says, “I was at church singing in the choir and I looked over
at Mrs. Yunser and she had her skirt tucked into ther panteis.
So I reached over and untucked it.

Well Mr. yunser who was standing right next to me did not like
this to well so he punched me.

Joes friends say that explanes the one black eye but how did you
get the other.

Well when I saw how mad Mr. Yunser got I simple reached back
over and tucked it back in.

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.”Since we’re married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don’t want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex.””Okay sweetheart,” the groom replied.”Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don’t want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn’t matter.”