Category: other

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone
by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found
that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose
12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned
to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the
dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The
red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
(Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting
polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The
following morning you can create the effects of hangover by
drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your
head repeatedly on the wall.

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not
been retouched or corrected (i.e. bad spelling has been left in):

‘In the first book of the Bible, Guinness�s, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.’

‘Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.’

‘Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.’

‘Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.’

‘Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.’

‘The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the
unsympathetic Genitals.’

‘Samson was a strongman who let himself is led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.’

‘Samson spayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.’

‘Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which
is bread without any ingredients.’

‘The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.’

‘The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.’

‘The seventh commandment is thou shall not admit adultery.’

‘Moses died before he ever reached Canada.’

‘Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Genital.’

‘The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still
and he obeyed him.’

‘David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.’

‘Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.’

‘When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.’

‘When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the
manager.’

�Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.’

‘St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.’

�Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one
to you.’

‘He also explained, “A man doth not live by sweat alone.”‘

‘It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.’

‘The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.’

‘The epistles were the wives of the apostles.’

‘One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taxi man.’

‘St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another
name for marriage.’

‘A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.’

Bless their little hearts!

A lawyer died and was sent to hell for his numerous misdeeds. Satan decided to
give him a guided tour and let him choose the room he wanted to stay in for all
eternity.
The first room Satan brought him to be full of people standing on their heads
in four feet of hot coals. The lawyer decided that such living conditions were
not for him.
Next, Satan showed him a second room filled with lost souls standing on their
heads in four feet of sharp ice cubes. The lawyer said he was sensitive to cold
and could not spend eternity this way.
Satan then showed the lawyer the final room. This room had countless sinners
and criminals standing upright in four feet of cow dung. All the people were
drinking coffee. Although the stench was overpowering, the lawyer liked the
sight of coffee and decided upon this room.
Five minutes after Satan locked the lawyer into his final abode, the
supervising demon walked into the crowd and shouted, and �Coffee break is over!
Everyone back on their heads!”

Estaba un borracho en una esquina, cuando una mujer pasa caminando. El borracho la observa y dice: “�Adios, fea!”

La mujer, indignada, se da media vuelta y le dice: “�Borracho!”

El borracho con una sonrisa contesta: “�S�, pero a m� ma�ana se me pasa!”

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep.

As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

“No!” yelled the farmer, “Don’t throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they’re delicious! They’re called Sheep Fries!”

The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer’s wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days….and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper.

He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, “It’s the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!”

Submitted by Calamjo
EDited by Tanilazing

New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life of the Scottish male.PreparationFriday night is very much love night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac 12 pints of heavy, a white pudding supper and three pickled onions his mind is set on one thing: love.His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night’s dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, ‘Any chance of na nookie?’The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, ‘Awaity f*** ya bam.’ForeplayForeplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid mark down, as he approaches the bed and singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, ‘Here we go, here we go, here we go.’ Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 inches. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.Initial problemsAfter 12 pints, sometimes the man’s Wee Willie Winkle is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man’s self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, ‘Ya useless bastard,’ or possibly, ‘It never happens tae ra milkman.’FellatioOral sex is a great favorite with the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, ‘Howl ya like to put yer teeth roon this?’The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. ‘Go on yersel,’ she says, ‘list dinnae disturb me.’Down to businessEventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use. Sometimes in his excitement, he may suffer from premature ejaculation, a phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, ‘F*** me, I’ve shot ma load.’If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as informing her she’s the nicest woman he’s ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to be spoken to dirty, says such things as, ‘Shite, arsehole.’The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, ‘Are you sure it’s in?’Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman’s ideal partner should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, ‘Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man.’Eventually it’s all over. The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.There’s no one in the world that performs quite like a Scotsman a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

The Rabbi rose with a red face…”Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.”

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued, “Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!”

Again all was quiet. Slowly a “drop dead” gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.

“Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan… I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

A friend of mine went to the dentist recently. He commented that it must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone’s mouth. He said, “I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.”

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his
dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he
finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes
better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date
the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man arrives
at her house with flowers and candy.

To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel.
“I’m sorry,” she exclaims, “I am running a bit late. Please come
in and I’ll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you
while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they
are both deaf mutes.”

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to
her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is
a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely
silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and
mom is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, mom jumps from her
chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a
glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, dad launches
himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her
from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a
match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into
eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

Ten minutes later, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready
for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young
man completely distracted by the ongoings earlier in the living
room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, “What’s the matter? Have
I done something wrong?” “No, it’s not you,” he replied, “It’s
just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for
you and I am still a bit shocked. First your mother jumps from
her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and
throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that
weren’t enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over
the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and
places a match stick by his eye.”

“Oh, is that all?” replies the girl.

The man can’t believe her casual response.

“That’s how they communicate! Mom was simply saying, ‘Are you
going to get this asshole a drink?’ and dad replied, ‘No, fuck
him. I’m watching the match.'”

Un ni�o estaba jugando en el parque con su perrito cuando, de repente, se escucha una gran explosi�n en direcci�n a su casa. De inmediato se fue detr�s de los curiosos para ver en d�nde hab�a ocurrido el siniestro.

Cuando lleg�, el menor pudo confirmar lo anterior: su casa era la que hab�a explotado y, lo peor, su familia estaba adentro.

Abri�ndose paso entre los curiosos, el infante pudo entrar a la casa (o lo que quedaba de ella). El cuadro no pod�a ser m�s estremecedor: su familia estaba totalmente calcinada. En un instante se hab�a quedado sin nadie.

Estupefacta y en estado de choque, la criatura sale de la casa y en ese momento los curiosos hacen un c�rculo alrededor de �l; se hace un silencio sepulcral, y de pronto todos a coro empiezan a gritar:

“�Quiere llorar, quiere llorar…!”

Luego de la creaci�n, cuando Ad�n y Eva ya sab�an de las delicias de la manzana prohibida despu�s de haber cometido el famoso pecado original, a Dios se le ocurri� hacer una visita al Para�so para contemplar su creaci�n y ver a su imagen y semejanza: Ad�n.

Pasada una breve charla, al Mero-Mero se le ocurre preguntar por Eva. Al ser interrogado, Ad�n se vio obligado a contarle todo el asunto de la manzana y seguidamente le comunic� al Creador que �sta andaba lav�ndose el ‘chunche’ en el r�o…

Rayos y truenos inundaron el Cielo reflejando la furia del Se�or. Y fue en medio de aquel estruendo que la voz de Dios se abri� paso:

“!Jueputa! �Pero qu� hiciste?… �AHORA TODOS LOS PESCADOS VAN A OLER A ESA MIERDA!”

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”The cop said, “What’s he like?”The little boy replied, “Beer and women!”