Category: other

Un psic�logo se dedica a aplicar ex�menes para estimar el coeficiente intelectual de la gente. Una de las preguntas en el test es contar del uno al diez. Llega el primer entrevistado:

“A ver, cuente del uno al diez”.

“Diez, nueve, ocho, siete, seis, cinco, cuatro, tres, dos, uno”.

“�Qu�?”

“Uy, perd�n, es que ver�, como yo trabajaba en la NASA, me acostumbre a contar al rev�s y…”

Aparece el segundo:

“A ver, preste atenci�n porque esta pregunta es muy f�cil pero le puede hacer perder puntos; cu�nteme del uno al diez.”

“Uno, tres, cinco, siete, nueve, dos, cuatro, seis, ocho, diez.”

“�Qu�?”

“Ay, lo siento, ver�, es que yo trabajaba de cartero, y claro, acostumbrado a ver los n�meros pares a un lado de la calle y los impares al otro pues…”

Finalmente entra un tercer individuo:

“Bueno, y ahora llegamos a una pregunta un poco delicada porque �usted sabr� contar, verdad?”

“Hombre, por supuesto. Sepa que yo soy diputado y que para conseguir mi trabajo tuve que pasar unas oposiciones muy duras para las que deb� estudiar mucho”.

“Aj�, me alegro. Bueno, pues cu�nteme del uno al diez”.

“Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis, siete, sota, caballo, rey…”

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car’s oil-pressure light is on.He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem.The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.””No, no,” the penguin replies, wiping his mouth,”it’s just ice cream.”

Un le�n depert� una ma�ana con ganas de presumir. As� que acorral� a un changuito y rugi�, “�Qui�n es el m�s fuerte de todos los animales de la selva?”

El changuito, todo tembloroso, dijo: “T� eres, rey le�n.”

M�s tarde, el le�n atrap� un venadito y le dijo: “�Qui�n es el m�s poderoso de todos los animales de la selva?”

“Oh, gran le�n, t� eres por mucho el m�s poderoso de todos.”

Ya encarrerado, el le�n lleg� hasta donde estaba un elefante y rugi�, “Qui�n es el m�s poderoso de todos los animales de la selva?”

Como un rel�mpago, el elefante atrap� al le�n con su trompa, lo golpe� contra un �rbol media docena de veces, salt� encima de �l hasta dejarlo como una tortilla, y se march� caminando lentamente.

El le�n solt� un quejido de dolor, levant� la cabeza y le grit� al elefante: “�Oye, no ten�as que enojarte tanto por no saber la respuesta!”

Dos amigas se encuentran en una tienda de departamentos:

“�Mariiitza!, qu� gusto verte, la �ltima vez coincidimos en la boda de Carmelita, hace como 15 a�os”. “S�, as� fue.” “�Oye!, por poco y no te reconozco, �qu� acabada est�s!” “Yo tampoco te reconoc�a, de no ser por tu vestido, no me hubiera acordado de ti.”

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled
guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis?”

“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol and contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well I’ll be.” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
“I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long did you have
arthritis?”

“I don’t have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was very sick, so the wife took him to the hospital and the doctor checked him out. Then the doctor asked the wife to come into his office so they could talk about what was wrong with her husband. He explained that, if she wanted her husband to live, she would have to pamper him, wait on him hand and foot, and not challenge him or argue with him — her husband needed absolute rest and no stress whatsoever. However, if her husband did any work or moved around much or got upset about anything, he would die. The doctor asked if she understood these conditions, and the wife assured him that she did. When the wife came out, the husband asked her, �so what is the matter with me? Am I going to die?� And the wife said, �Yes, honey, I’m afraid you’re going to die.�

A young man in a drug store asks the pharmacist for condoms. “They come in packets of 3, 6 or 12,” responds the pharmacist, “How many do you need?”

“Well” muses the young man, “I’ve known this wonderful girl for 7 months. Tonight I’m meeting her parents for the first time, then we’re off to an all-night party. So I think tonight’s the night. And, once she gets it, I know she’ll want more. Better give me a dozen!” Having made his purchase, the fellow drives home, dresses for dinner and arrives at his girlfriend’s house.

At dinner, he is asked to offer the blessing. He prays – and prays – and prays – and prays. Finally, his girlfriend leans over and says “You never told me you were so religious!”

He answered her, “You never told me that your father was a pharmacist!”

esus and the devil got together for a quick nine holes. The devil says, “Go ahead Jesus, tee up.” “No sir, Satan, after you,” Jesus replies. So the devil tees up, musters all his might, and hits a huge drive, ten feet from the hole.”Ha!,” says the devil, “Beat that!” Jesus puts his ball on the tee – takes a swing. The devil begins to laugh as Jesus’ terrible slice hits a tree and rolls into the rough. A squirrel scurries by, picks up the ball, and begins to run off with it. The devil can’t contain his laughter; tears roll down his cheeks. Then, all of a sudden, a hawk appears from above the treetops, he swoops down snatching the squirrel. The hawk screeches in victory, flying away with the squirrel. Now over the green, the hawk’s crushing talons render the squirrel lifeless. The ball falls out of the squirrel’s mouth, takes a couple of hops on the green, and lands right in the hole. The devil’s grin turns to a smirk as he looks at Jesus and says, “So ya’ wanna play golf…or just fuck around all day?”

Bits of information to help you through the day:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn’t the pig included here?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmm…..)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
From drinking little bottles of…?)
(Did the gov’t pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed.
(I’m sure glad somebody found that out!)

A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it starves to death.
( So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(“Honey, I’m home! What the….”)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig… quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(hmmm…chocolate…doh!…not chocolate, not chocolate! BAD DOG!)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don’t have any brains.
(…and are now employed at JokesGalore.com!)

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.

how do you baby sit a black baby?….
you wet his lips and stick him to a window!

how do you get him off? slide him to the corner!

(im not racest just to let you know)

A Baptist preacher and a catholic preacher are driving out on a road.

The catholic preacher sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams on his
brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the back of the
catholic preacher.

They step out of their cars, and begin talking. “Oh, I am so sorry, that was
my fault,” says the Baptist preacher.

While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the preachers soon
start talking about their professions to pass the time.

“You know, I never understood why catholic preachers don’t drink wine to
represent Christ’s blood.” The catholic preacher responds, “Well, we believe
that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead.” “I have a bottle
of wine in my glove compartment right now. Tell you what, let’s drink a little
right now while waiting for the cops.”

“Oh, no I couldn’t, replies the catholic, but after pressuring him, the
catholic preacher soon agrees.

The Baptist preacher takes out the wine and a couple of Dixie cups, and pours
a little into each. The catholic preacher drinks it down quickly. “That wasn’t
that bad, you’re right,” the catholic preacher says. Noticing the Baptist hasn’t
drank his wine, he asks, “Aren’t you going to have some?”

“Oh sure,” the other replies, “I’ll wait until after the cops come though.”

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his
dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he
finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes
better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date
the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man arrives
at her house with flowers and candy.

To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel.
“I’m sorry,” she exclaims, “I am running a bit late. Please come
in and I’ll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you
while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they
are both deaf mutes.”

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to
her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is
a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely
silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and
mom is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, mom jumps from her
chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a
glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, dad launches
himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her
from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a
match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into
eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

Ten minutes later, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready
for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young
man completely distracted by the ongoings earlier in the living
room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, “What’s the matter? Have
I done something wrong?” “No, it’s not you,” he replied, “It’s
just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for
you and I am still a bit shocked. First your mother jumps from
her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and
throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that
weren’t enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over
the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and
places a match stick by his eye.”

“Oh, is that all?” replies the girl.

The man can’t believe her casual response.

“That’s how they communicate! Mom was simply saying, ‘Are you
going to get this asshole a drink?’ and dad replied, ‘No, fuck
him. I’m watching the match.'”