Category: other

Los pendejos seg�n los signos del zod�aco

Aries: S�lo �l es el pendejo, nadie m�s.

Tauro: Lento, pero pendejo.

G�minis: Pendejo por partida doble.

C�ncer: Se siente de cualquier pendejada.

Leo: Est� orgulloso de ser ‘El Gran Pendejo’.

Virgo: Analiza por qu� hace tantas pendejadas.

Libra: �Soy pendejo o pendeja? S� o no… Pero �y s�? �No o s�?

Escorpi�n: Hace sus pendejadas bien pensadas y con sa�a.

Sagitario: Sus constantes pendejadas, apendejan a cualquiera.

Capricornio: Es pendejo s�lo para incomodar a los dem�s.

Acuario: Los equinoccios lo traen todo pendejo.

Piscis: Es sensitivo y pendejo.

What do you get when you mix holy water and prune juice?

A religious movement.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

If you’re an American when you’re out of the bathroom, what are you when you’re IN the bathroom?

European! (You’re a Peein’)

And if you really gotta go bad?

Russian!

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.

He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”

Michael Jackson was on a plane with the president, a librarian, and some kids. The pilot came out and said the plane was going to crash. He said there wasnt enough parachutes for everyone, but he was the pilot and had to drive other planes so he should live.
The president said, “im the president i have to run the country so i should live”
The librarian said, “theres 2 parachutes left, fuck the kids, save yourself”
Michael Jackson said, “i already did”

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching
on the devil.
One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”
The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s
probably just your dad.”

It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

Neighbor asks, “Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?”

Ed replies, “Well, it was…hmmm…let me think a minute… What’s the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems…?

Neighbor says, “You mean a rose?”

Ed replies, “Yeah, that’s it!…(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor’s name?

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

1
Dios es amor.
El amor es ciego.
Stevie Wonder es ciego.
Luego, Stevie Wonder es Dios.

2
Me dijeron que no soy nadie.
Nadie es perfecto.
Luego, yo soy perfecto.
Pero s�lo Dios es perfecto.
Por tanto, yo soy Dios.
Si Stevie Wonder es Dios, �yo soy Stevie Wonder!
�Por Dios, soy ciego!

3
“A quien madruga Dios le ayuda”.
Quien madruga, duerme por la tarde.
Quien duerme por la tarde, no duerme por la noche.
Quien no duerme por la noche, sale de fiesta.
Conclusi�n: “A quien sale de fiesta Dios le ayuda”.

4
Imag�nese un pedazo de queso suizo, de esos llenos de agujeros; cuanto m�s queso, m�s agujeros.
Cada agujero ocupa el lugar donde deber�a haber queso. As�, cuanto m�s agujeros, menos queso.
Cuanto m�s queso m�s agujeros y cuanto m�s agujeros menos queso.
Luego, cuanto m�s queso, menos queso.

One day, a little girl was going to Sunday School, when she saw little Jonny.

Nwo, Little Jonny always had trouble staying awake in class, so the little girl decided to help him.

The Sunday School teacher asked, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?”

The little girl poked Jonny in the back with her pencil, to which he replied, ” Jesus Christ!”

“That is correct, now sit down and no yelling.”

The teacher then asked, “Who was the man that died on the cross for us?”

The little girl poked Jonny in the back again, to which he replied,” Good Lord!”

“That’s correct. NOw sit down and stop yelling.”

Then she asked, ” What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 32nd child?”

once again the little girl poked Jonny in the back to which he replied,” If you stick that thing in me one more time, I will grab it and break it in half!”

What did the peaple say when they saw a church burning?

Holy Smoke!

TOP BUMPER STICKER’S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1. Constipated People Don’t Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don’t Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don’t Succeed…blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
13. If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken… Watch For Finger.
15. It’s Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You’re Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full – Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I’m Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You’re Doing It Wrong…
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over…[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] 40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks… God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
51. Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
53. If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE — PLANT A MAN.
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
63. So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that precious.
64. I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.