Category: other

A girl is complaining about the size of her breasts to her girl friend. She said, “I know I many be shallow, but they’re so small. I just can’t stand them!”

Her girl friend replied, “Look, don’t get an operation or anything like that.

I had the same problem and I went to Dr. Michaels and he helped me a lot. Make an appointment.”

“You do look good. OK, I’ll do it.”

She makes the appointment and after the examination Dr. Michaels said, “Look all you need is an exercise program and the improvement will be amazing.

Here’s what you do. Stick your chest out and bring it back in. Do that for ten minutes every day. And to help you with the rhythm, do it in time with this poem, Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow. If I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.

She did her exercise faithfully everyday, until one day when she forgot. She was on the bus going to work when she remembered that she hadn’t done them that morning.

She looked around, and very gently stuck her chest out and back and quietly said, Mary had a little lamb his fleece was white as snow. if I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.

She was startled when a fellow came up and said, “Hey, you go to Dr. Michaels, don’t you?”

“Why yes,” she said, “but how did you know that?”

He stood up and began gyrating his hips while reciting, Hickory dickory dock…….

Little Jimmy is at school and the teacher says “your homework is to work out
the difference between potential and reality”.Jimmy goes home and has no idea
,so he asks his dad.His dad thinks about it and tells Jimmy to ask his mum if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid.He asks his mum and she
says”don`t tell your dad ,but yes i would for a million quid.” Jimmy goes and
tells his dad all this and his dad says “Go and ask your little sister if she
would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid” he asks his sister and she
says “don`t tell your dad but yes , i would for a million quid” Jimmy goes and
tells his dad this and his dad says “There you go Jimmy , thats the difference
between potential and reality.Potentially we`re sitting on two million quid, in
reality we`re living with a couple of slags”.

a man walks up to a New Yorker, an Arab, and a blonde. the man
says,”Excuse me, i’d like to ask your opinion about something”
the blonde says “what’s… KNOW?”
the Arab says, “what’s… OPINION?”
and the New Yorker says, “what’s… EXCSUSE ME?”

One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven,
when he heard an old man’s voice call from the other side.

“Hello? Hello?”

Jesus replied, “Who is it?”

“Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son,” the old man replied.

Jesus’ heart leapt with joy and he called out, “Joseph?”

The voice answered back, “Pinocchio?”

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge,
and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds,
when the guy suddenly says: “I need a cigarette.”
“But honey,” his lover says. “The store closes in two minutes. You’ll never
have time to get to the store, and get dressed.”

“That’s okay,” He quipps. “I’ll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees
me, I’ll pretend I’m a statue.”

So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigaretts (this store
was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The
car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three
nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved
cigarettes in one hand.

The first nun walks over to the young man. “Oh! What a beautiful cigarette
dispenser!” She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong,
and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.

The second nun strolls over. “What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must
try it, too.” She sticks a quarter up the young man’s ass, chokes his chicken,
and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.

The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the
young man’s ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his
Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried a third time, and her eyes
widened with sudden realization and suprise. “Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!”

The five most constipated people in the Bible:

1. Cain-who wasn’t able.
2. King Solomon-who sat on the throne for forty years.
3. King David-who neither Heaven nor Earth could move.
4. Moses-who took two tablets and went up into the mountains.
5. Noah-who spent 40 days and 40 nights on the ark and passed nothing but water.

Pap� Noel llega a un pa�s sumamente pobre,donde escaceaba la comida. Tanto as�, que solo com�an carne cada vez que se mord�an la lengua…

Pap� noel llega en su trineo, y todos los ni�os lo estaban esperando reunidos en un gran c�rculo. Pap� Noel se para en el medio, y empieza a hacer sus preguntas de rutina:

“Ho… ho… ho… �c�mo est�n, ni�os…?”

Los ni�os en coro: “bieeeen.”

“Ho… ho… ho… �se han portado bien?”

“siiiiii.”

“Ho… ho… ho… �Han obedecido a sus padres?”

“Siiiii.”

“�Han comido toda su comida…?”

Los ni�os hambrientos se miran las caras entre ellos, y contestan:

“Nooooooo.”

Pap� noel los mira defraudado y dice:

“�Entonces, ni�os… no hay regalos!”

Yo’ mama so fat, her panty lines look like a road map!

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.””What did you do?” the other nuns asked. “Well, of course I threw them in the trash.” The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!” “Oh my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked.”I poked holes in all of them!” she replied.The third nun fainted.–From Cara

Question. What`s got one Brown arm and one Yellow arm.

Answer. A Chinese shit stirrer.

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, “Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, “Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.”

Sister Mary Katherine said, “Hard bed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the Priest said, “We will get you a better bed.”

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. “You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

“Cold food,” said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. “You may say two words today.”

“I quit,” said Sister Mary Katherine.

“It’s probably best”, said the Priest, “You’ve done nothing but moan since you’ve been here.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Las diez cosas que una mujer har�a si se despertara con pene:

10. Ser ascendida m�s r�pido en su trabajo.
9. Conseguir una mamada.
8. Ver por qu� es tan fascinante “pegarle a la carne”.
7. Hacer pip� parada y poder hablar al mismo tiempo con alguien al lado.
6. Averiguar por qu� no pueden atinarle al retrete constantemente.
5. Sentir lo que es estar al otro lado de un orgasmo.
4. Tocarse y rascarse en p�blico sin importar que tan impropio se pueda ver.
3. Brincar de arriba a abajo completamente desnuda, con una erecci�n, para ver si se siente tan chistoso como se ve.
2. Entender la raz�n cient�fica de lo que ocurre entre los ojos de un hombre y una regla situada al lado de su miembro en erecci�n, que causa que sea menos de dos cent�metros lo que lo separa del fin de la regla.

Y la primera cosa que una mujer har�a si tuviera un pene ser�a…

�Repetir la numero 9!