Category: other

Your Momma is so white she crys milk and shits out chalk.

Q: What did did the mother duck say to the little duck. A: If you don’t behave, I’m gonna quack you one.

There’s skidmarks infront of the roadkill!!

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, “Mom, do you realise some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?”The woman shot her an angry look, “Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!”

Estaba Pepito en el jardin jugando con una lombriz, cuando de repente llega su abuelo y le dice: “Pepito, si puedes meter ese gusano en ese hoyito te doy $50.”

Pepito se para va a la casa y regresa con gel, se lo unta al gusano y lo mete al hoyito. Entonces el abuelo le da los $50.

Al d�a siguiente regresa su abuelo y le da otros $50 y Pepito le dice: “�Ahora por qu� estos $50?”

“Te los manda tu abuelita.”

Yom Kippur is the one day of the year when the Jewish people fast.
Levy was surprised to see Cohen eating in a restaurant – and oysters
yet! “Oysters? On Yom Kippur?” queried Levy with raised eyebrows.
“What’s wrong?” answered Cohen. “Yom Kippur has an ‘R’ in it.”

-Joey Adams

There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole
world!!

Once when Bubba got a new job, he says to his new boss, “Boss, I
know everyone in the whole world!” His boss doesn’t believe him,
so he says “No you do not know everyone in the whole world” but
Bubba says “Yes I do!” so Bubba’s boss says “Well prove it!”
then Bubba says “Pick someone and I know them!”

Well Bubba’s boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a
name.

“Tom Selleck! I bet you don’t know Tom Selleck!” Bubba say “Tom
Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were
kids!” but Bubba’s boss says “No you weren’t!” then Bubba says
“Yes we were!” so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom
Selleck’s house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck
answers and Bubba says “Tom!!!” and Tom says “Bubba!” and they
hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba’s boss can’t believe
it. But then he thinks “Well that could happen, it’s just one
person,” so he tells Bubba and Bubba says “OK, pick somebody
else!”

This time Bubba’s boss has someone in mind! “The president, Bill
Clinton! You don’t know Bill Clinton!” but Bubba says “Oh yes I
do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!” Bubba’s
boss says “No you weren’t!” and Bubba says “Yes we were!” So
they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a
press conference. They work their way through the crowd until
Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton’s eye and waves “Bill!”
and the President waves “Bubba!” and after the press conference
they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba’s boss is stunned
– he can’t believe it. But then he thinks “Well that’s just two
people in one country – that doesn’t mean he knows everyone in
the whole world!” so he tells Bubba and Bubba says “OK, pick
someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!”

And Bubba’s boss knows just who to pick so he says “The Pope!
You do not know the Pope!” and Bubba says “The Pope! The Pose
BAPTIZED me!” and Bubba’s boss says “No he didn’t!” and Bubba
says “Yes he did!” So they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving
Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work
their way through the crowd – without much luck – so Bubba says
“Boss, we’re never gonna get there together through all these
people so I tell you what – I’ll work my way up there and when I
do, I’ll give you a sign that show you I know the Pope!” and he
leaves. Well Bubba’s boss waits and waits and waits and just
when he’s about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the
balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!

Shortly afterwards, Bubba’s boss passes out. Bubba comes back
and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says “Boss!
Boss! Wake up!” and when his boss comes to, he asks “Boss what
happened?” Bubba’s boss looks at Bubba and says, “OK, I can see
Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton and I can even take the
Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks

‘Who’s that up there with Bubba?’, that’s a little more than I
can take!”

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation
that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: “I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home
computer.” (Training stresses that we are “not the Software Police,” so I let
the little act of piracy slide.)

Tech Support: “Umm-hmm. What happened?”

Customer: “As I put each disk in it turns out they weren’t initialized.”

Tech Support: “Do you remember the message exactly, ma’am?”

Customer: (proudly) “I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you
like to initialize it’?”

Tech Support: “Er, what happened next?”

Customer: “After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And
now I brought them back to work, and I can’t read them in the A: drive; the PC
wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole
office. Did I do something wrong?”

A girl is complaining about the size of her breasts to her girl friend. She said, “I know I many be shallow, but they’re so small. I just can’t stand them!”

Her girl friend replied, “Look, don’t get an operation or anything like that.

I had the same problem and I went to Dr. Michaels and he helped me a lot. Make an appointment.”

“You do look good. OK, I’ll do it.”

She makes the appointment and after the examination Dr. Michaels said, “Look all you need is an exercise program and the improvement will be amazing.

Here’s what you do. Stick your chest out and bring it back in. Do that for ten minutes every day. And to help you with the rhythm, do it in time with this poem, Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow. If I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.

She did her exercise faithfully everyday, until one day when she forgot. She was on the bus going to work when she remembered that she hadn’t done them that morning.

She looked around, and very gently stuck her chest out and back and quietly said, Mary had a little lamb his fleece was white as snow. if I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.

She was startled when a fellow came up and said, “Hey, you go to Dr. Michaels, don’t you?”

“Why yes,” she said, “but how did you know that?”

He stood up and began gyrating his hips while reciting, Hickory dickory dock…….

Little Jimmy is at school and the teacher says “your homework is to work out
the difference between potential and reality”.Jimmy goes home and has no idea
,so he asks his dad.His dad thinks about it and tells Jimmy to ask his mum if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid.He asks his mum and she
says”don`t tell your dad ,but yes i would for a million quid.” Jimmy goes and
tells his dad all this and his dad says “Go and ask your little sister if she
would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid” he asks his sister and she
says “don`t tell your dad but yes , i would for a million quid” Jimmy goes and
tells his dad this and his dad says “There you go Jimmy , thats the difference
between potential and reality.Potentially we`re sitting on two million quid, in
reality we`re living with a couple of slags”.

a man walks up to a New Yorker, an Arab, and a blonde. the man
says,”Excuse me, i’d like to ask your opinion about something”
the blonde says “what’s… KNOW?”
the Arab says, “what’s… OPINION?”
and the New Yorker says, “what’s… EXCSUSE ME?”

One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven,
when he heard an old man’s voice call from the other side.

“Hello? Hello?”

Jesus replied, “Who is it?”

“Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son,” the old man replied.

Jesus’ heart leapt with joy and he called out, “Joseph?”

The voice answered back, “Pinocchio?”