Category: other

An Englishman was recently asked about the differences between
English and American people.

He said there were three:

1. We speak English and you don’t.

2. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries.

3. When you meet the Head of State in England, you only have to go down on one knee.

Why do women like to use Dial soap?

Because dial spelled backwards is hapiness.

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

“So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?” “Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.”

“That’s very interesting,” replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

“So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?”
“Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.”
“That’s very interesting,” replies the researcher. “That’s how they do it in Cornwall too.” And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

“So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?”
“Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders.”

“Over your shoulders?” replies the researcher. “Don’t you put them over a wall like everyone else?”

“What?” says the farmer. “And miss out on all the kissing?!”

On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying �Pass the sugar, sugar…. Pass the honey, honey.� Then he says, �Pass the tea, you old bag.�

Q. what do u call a man with a seagul on his head?
A. cliff

Murphy’s Technology Law #1: The first myth of management is that it exists. Murphy’s Technology Law #2: A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. Murphy’s Technology Law #3: New systems generate new problems. Murphy’s Technology Law #4: To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. Murphy’s Technology Law #5: We don’t know one-millionth of one percent about anything. Murphy’s Technology Law #6: Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Murphy’s Technology Law #7: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. Murphy’s Technology Law #8: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Murphy’s Technology Law #9: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. Murphy’s Technology Law #10: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Una joven de 20 a�os pr�xima a contraer matrimonio se dirige con una dise�adora de trajes de novia para que �sta le dise�e la ropa para su noche de bodas. Una vez en el lugar le explica a la dise�adora que necesita que le haga un vestido con noventa yardas de tela. Indignada, la dise�adora le reprocha:

“�No crees que es demasiada tela?”

“Es que mi novio tiene 80 a�os y se divierte m�s busc�ndola que cuando la encuentra”.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULYThree young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack.

So he says, ‘Ms Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long holiday.’

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says, ‘$30,000.’

The teller asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need some collateral to secure the loan. She asks if he has anything that he can use as collateral.

The frog says, `Sure, I have this,’ and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about 2 cm tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, `There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.’

She holds up the tiny pink elephant and says, ‘I mean, what the heck is this?’

So the manager looks back at her and says, `It’s a knick-knack Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.’

Se encontraba un edificio en llamas, y los bomberos hab�an rescatado a casi todos los trabajadores menos uno, que era fisioculturista y al que llamaban el toro, que se hab�a quedado en la azotea.

Toda la gente fren�tica y asustada le gritaba al toro que saltara a la lona de los bomberos, pero el hombre, era muy miedoso y cada vez que intentaba saltar se arrepent�a.

La gente le gritaba, para darle �nimo, “Salta toro, salta toro.”

Finalmente se anim� y salt�, “Vamos toro, vamos toro,” dec�an todos al un�sono.

Y cuando iba a llegar a rebotar con la lona, los bomberos la hicieron a un lado diciendo, “Oooooleeeeeeee torooo”.

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

“How long will he be on crutches?” she asked.

“Crutches???” the doctor asked.

“Well, yes,” the woman said “You are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”

Perks of being over 40…

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.