Category: other

Two Chinese tourists were visiting USA. After some rambling, they got rather hungry.The first said, “I’d love to eat some dog.”The second “Me, too! And look at that sign! It says, ‘HOT DOGS’!”The other Chinese flicks through his English-Chinese dictionary and is confirmed that they serve dog there. They both walk into the shop and order hot dogs.After receiving their meals, the first Chinese looks between the bun and goes all white. He stares at his friend and asks, “Which part of the dog’s anatomy did YOU get?”

1.If you throw a cat out of the window, does it become kitty
litter?
2.If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
3.Is it ok to use an AM radio in the afternoon?
4.What do chickens think we taste like?
5.What do u call a male ladybug?
6.What hair color is on the license of a bald man?
7.Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
8.Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
9.If you squeeze olives to get olive oil, then where does baby
oil come from?
10.If a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?
11.What would Geronimo yell if he jumped out of an airplane?
MEEEEE!!!???
12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back
to?
13. How can you tell when your out of invisible ink?
14. Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don’t you
have to get up to get to the tape?
15. Do fish get cramps after eating?
16. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
17. Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
18. Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?
19. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
20. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
mornings?
21. How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you’re
never in darkness?
22. How is it possible to have a civil war?
23. How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was
invented but just didn’t have
anything to jot it down on?
24. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in
it?
25. If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why
not move 10 miles away?
26. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
27. If a liar tells you he is a liar, do you believe him?
28. If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his
walkman?
29. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a
sound?
30. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have
to drown?
31. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
32. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
33. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why
are they all still working?
34. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be
twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is
it going to be?
35. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep
doing it?
36. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
37. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
38. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON
stick to the pan?
39. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people
from Holland called Holes?
40. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up
with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
41. If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and
seek, does he automatically lose
because he can’t find himself?
42. If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it
with?
43. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
herself, is it considered a hostage
situation?
44. If superglue is so good, why doesn’t it stick to the iside
of the tube?
45. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why’s it still #2?
46. If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with
battery?
47. If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic,
wouldn’t they call you first?
48. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of
booth beeth?
49. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
50. If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
51. If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without
getting wet?
52. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards,
would the driver end up owing you
money?
53. If you have an open mind why don’t your brains fall out?
54. If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that
says — “objects in mirror are closer
than they appear”, how can that be possible?
55. If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something
keep going wrong?
56. If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for
a neighbor, will he complain?
57. If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when
you’re done?
58. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
59. If you take a shower, where do you put it?
60. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
61. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they
taste funny?
62. Is there a Dr. Salt?
63. Isn’t it a little scary that a doctors work is called
practice?
64. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
65. Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons
in their stomach?
66. Should crematoriums give discounts for burnt victims?
67. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
68. What came first the chicken or the egg?
69. What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
70. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
71. What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
72. What is another word for “thesaurus”?
73. When people lose weight, where does it go?
74. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their
signs?
75. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he
wonder why you’re just sitting
there, staring at carpeting?
76. Why didn’t Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the
light side of the Force?
77. Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won’t they all stop
eventually?
78. Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band
sound like?
79. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
80. Why do feet smell and noses run, yet noses smell and feet
run?
81. Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated
coffee?
82. Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck
together?
83. Why do they report power outages on TV?
84. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a
suitcase?
85. Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are
already there?
86. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use
them?
87. Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?
88. Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?
89. Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?
90. Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one?

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, “Where are you going?”

He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”

And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”

“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”

She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”

He said, “Why?”

She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited bt calamjo

Un tipo recorr�a la carretera en su veh�culo y de repente, a la orilla ve a un cerdito con una patita de palo. Asombrado, detuvo la marcha y se dijo, “No lo puedo creer…”

Se baj� del auto y se dirigi� a un ranchito que estaba frente al animal, y le pregunt� a un
campesino:

“Disculpe la pregunta, buen hombre, �este cerdito es suyo?”

“Claro, �por qu�?”

“Oiga, �le sucedi� algo para que tenga una patita de palo?”

“Ahh… s�. Lo que sucede es que una de mis hijas, se encari�� mucho con �l, y por eso nos lo estamos comiendo poquito a poco…”

The History of 2 + 2 = 5 by Houston Euler “First and above all he was a logician. At least thirty-five years of the half-century or so of his existence had been devoted exclusively to proving that two and two always equal four, except in unusual cases, where they equal three or five, as the case may be.” — Jacques Futrelle, “The Problem of Cell 13″Most mathematicians are familiar with — or have at least seen references in the literature to — the equation 2 + 2 = 4. However, the less well known equation 2 + 2 = 5 also has a rich, complex history behind it. Like any other complex quantitiy, this history has a real part and an imaginary part; we shall deal exclusively with the latter here.Many cultures, in their early mathematical development, discovered the equation 2 + 2 = 5. For example, consider the Bolb tribe, descended from the Incas of South America. The Bolbs counted by tying knots in ropes. They quickly realized that when a 2-knot rope is put together with another 2-knot rope, a 5-knot rope results.Recent findings indicate that the Pythagorean Brotherhood discovered a proof that 2 + 2 = 5, but the proof never got written up. Contrary to what one might expect, the proof’s nonappearance was not caused by a cover-up such as the Pythagoreans attempted with the irrationality of the square root of two. Rather, they simply could not pay for the necessary scribe service. They had lost their grant money due to the protests of an oxen-rights activist who objected to the Brotherhood’s method of celebrating the discovery of theorems. Thus it was that only the equation 2 + 2 = 4 was used in Euclid’s “Elements,” and nothing more was heard of 2 + 2 = 5 for several centuries.Around A.D. 1200 Leonardo of Pisa (Fibonacci) discovered that a few weeks after putting 2 male rabbits plus 2 female rabbits in the same cage, he ended up with considerably more than 4 rabbits. Fearing that too strong a challenge to the value 4 given in Euclid would meet with opposition, Leonardo conservatively stated, “2 + 2 is more like 5 than 4.” Even this cautious rendition of his data was roundly condemned and earned Leonardo the nickname “Blockhead.” By the way, his practice of underestimating the number of rabbits persisted; his celebrated model of rabbit populations had each birth consisting of only two babies, a gross underestimate if ever there was one.Some 400 years later, the thread was picked up once more, this time by the French mathematicians. Descartes announced, “I think 2 + 2 = 5; therefore it does.” However, others objected that his argument was somewhat less than totally rigorous. Apparently, Fermat had a more rigorous proof which was to appear as part of a book, but it and other material were cut by the editor so that the book could be printed with wider margins.Between the fact that no definitive proof of 2 + 2 = 5 was available and the excitement of the development of calculus, by 1700 mathematicians had again lost interest in the equation. In fact, the only known 18th-century reference to 2 + 2 = 5 is due to the philosopher Bishop Berkeley who, upon discovering it in an old manuscript, wryly commented, “Well, now I know where all the departed quantities went to — the right-hand side of this equation.” That witticism so impressed California intellectuals that they named a university town after him.But in the early to middle 1800’s, 2 + 2 began to take on great significance. Riemann developed an arithmetic in which 2 + 2 = 5, paralleling the Euclidean 2 + 2 = 4 arithmetic. Moreover, during this period Gauss produced an arithmetic in which 2 + 2 = 3. Naturally, there ensued decades of great confusion as to the actual value of 2 + 2. Because of changing opinions on this topic, Kempe’s proof in 1880 of the 4-color theorem was deemed 11 years later to yield, instead, the 5-color theorem. Dedekind entered the debate with an article entitled “Was ist und was soll 2 + 2?”Frege thought he had settled the question while preparing a condensed version of his “Begriffsschrift.” This condensation, entitled “Die Kleine Begriffsschrift (The Short Schrift),” contained what he considered to be a definitive proof of 2 + 2 = 5. But then Frege received a letter from Bertrand Russell, reminding him that in “Grundbeefen der Mathematik” Frege had proved that 2 + 2 = 4. This contradiction so discouraged Frege that he abandoned mathematics altogether and went into university administration.Faced with this profound and bewildering foundational question of the value of 2 + 2, mathematicians followed the reasonable course of action: they just ignored the whole thing. And so everyone reverted to 2 + 2 = 4 with nothing being done with its rival equation during the 20th century. There had been rumors that Bourbaki was planning to devote a volume to 2 + 2 = 5 (the first forty pages taken up by the symbolic expression for the number five), but those rumor remained unconfirmed. Recently, though, there have been reported computer-assisted proofs that 2 + 2 = 5, typically involving computers belonging to utility companies. Perhaps the 21st century will see yet another revival of this historic equation.From: “Matt Westwood” Footnote from Matt Westwood in the 21st century: It’s got to be pointed out that 2.4 + 2.4 = 4.8 so rounding to the nearest integer, 2+2=5.

Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn’t in the least fazed by the question:

“Name the three advantages of breast milk.”

Quickly he wrote:

1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.

2. As it is contained within the mother’s body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child’s immune system.

Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he’d broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled:

3. It comes in such nice containers.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

See you next month!

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

“As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes,” said the genie, “But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over.”

The man’s most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. “Let’s see. My first wish is…” He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, “…to live in a ten story luxury mansion.”

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

“Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable.” said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

“What is your final wish, Master?” asked the genie”.

“I want to lose a testicle,” said the man.

Q. what do u call a man with a seagul on his head?
A. cliff

Murphy’s Technology Law #1: The first myth of management is that it exists. Murphy’s Technology Law #2: A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. Murphy’s Technology Law #3: New systems generate new problems. Murphy’s Technology Law #4: To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. Murphy’s Technology Law #5: We don’t know one-millionth of one percent about anything. Murphy’s Technology Law #6: Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Murphy’s Technology Law #7: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. Murphy’s Technology Law #8: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Murphy’s Technology Law #9: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. Murphy’s Technology Law #10: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Una joven de 20 a�os pr�xima a contraer matrimonio se dirige con una dise�adora de trajes de novia para que �sta le dise�e la ropa para su noche de bodas. Una vez en el lugar le explica a la dise�adora que necesita que le haga un vestido con noventa yardas de tela. Indignada, la dise�adora le reprocha:

“�No crees que es demasiada tela?”

“Es que mi novio tiene 80 a�os y se divierte m�s busc�ndola que cuando la encuentra”.