Category: other

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church.

Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!

Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence.

This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”

The man says, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”

Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”

“Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

Hab�a una vez un par de gamines dicutiendo por quien de los dos ten�a el pap� m�s alto; entonces dice uno de los gamines:

“�Mi pap� con solo levantar la mano alcanza a coger las nubes!”

y dice el otro gam�n:

“�Y son como blanditas?”

“S�”

“!Ahh, esas son las guevas de mi pap�!”

A priest a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, “What is this a joke”

If brains were gasoline, you wouldn’t have enough to power yourself half
way around a cheerio!!

Hab�a una vez un se�or que se fue a aprender karate al Jap�n, y llevaba como 5 a�os estudiando, pero nada que aprend�a no pod�a dar ni una patada, y ya cansado y aburrido se decidi� a hablar con su maestro que era uno de esos viejitos como de 100 a�os que ense�an artes marciales.

Lleg� el d�a que iba a hablar con su maestro y le dijo: “No, maestro, estoy cansado de esto, llevo como 5 a�os de mi vida aqu� desperdiciados y no se ni dar ni una patada, ya no puedo m�s, me voy…”

El maestro se queda mir�ndolo seriamente a los ojos y con voz misteriosa le dice:

“�Has visto al atardecer cuando las gaviotas vuelan flamantes por la llanura?”

Y el joven responde: “S�, maestro.”

“�Has visto cuando los hipop�tamos se revuelcan en el fango?”

“S�, maestro.”

“Has visto cuando los leopardos se aparean en el ocaso.”

“S�, maestro.”

“�Ves, por estar viendo maricadas es que no aprendes un culo, guev�n!”

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says “oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!”

He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.

They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside.
“Who’s in that room?” the man asks. “Oh, those are the holy rollers,” says Saint Peter. “They make a lot of noise but they’re pretty harmless”.

They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges.
“Who’s in there?” the man asks.
“That’s the room for the Shakers” replies Saint Peter.

Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, “we must be very quiet going past this door. Don’t make a sound.”

They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room.

“Oh, those are the Catholics.
They think they’re the only ones up here!”

There was a family of 3 generations all living in separate
homes: The Father and mother [age 66 and 70] The Oldest Son and his wife and two childeren [a son-15 and a
daughter-10] &The youngest daughter and her husband and two children [a
daughter-12 and a son-8]

It was summer holidays for the children and the parents were all
working, so, just to let the kids play they decided to leave
them all at their grandparents [just a reminder aged 66 and 70] for thursday and friday every week until they had stopped the
working year and gone on holidays.

The children knew that their grandparents were over protective,
and also liked to chat a lot. So when the first day came, they
sat themselves down on the couch to watch some TV.
“NO NO NO! you cant just sit in front of the TV all day, you
have to go outside FIRST just for a little bit.” lectured the
grandmother.
the grandfather had left just a few minutes earlier and wouldnt
have objected to TV, it was peace and quiet for him.

So the kids went outside to find something to do. Andrew, the
oldest son of the oldest son, was bored and didnt want to play
anything, so he sat down and read a book. The other 3 had a
water fight with water pistols and water bombs and everything!
When the grandmother came out, she cracked a fit and let them
all watch TV.

Just a few minutes later, the grandmother returned and said to
Andrew, the oldest,
“Now Andrew, you’ve got 3 children in your hands now!”
“oh Gosh!” exclaims Andrew.
“Because im going out and you HAVE to be responsible!”
“Yeah whatever”
“WHATEVER!??!?!?! its not just WHATEVER, its 3 children, YOU
have to be responsible for them, you’re nearly 16!”
“and ill be driving soon, away, FAR away.”
“You should learn to be responsible!”
any way this continues for about another hour and finally when
the grandmother is satisfyed that Andrew will be responsible,
she ends it:
“fine, im going now.”
“Grandma, where are you going?”asks the youngest one.
“To the letter box, to check the mail.”

Two Chinese tourists were visiting USA. After some rambling, they got rather hungry.The first said, “I’d love to eat some dog.”The second “Me, too! And look at that sign! It says, ‘HOT DOGS’!”The other Chinese flicks through his English-Chinese dictionary and is confirmed that they serve dog there. They both walk into the shop and order hot dogs.After receiving their meals, the first Chinese looks between the bun and goes all white. He stares at his friend and asks, “Which part of the dog’s anatomy did YOU get?”

You’re so slow you came third in a two man race.

En una oficina est�n tres secretarias.

La primera dice:

“No se imaginan lo que le hice a mi jefe: le puse silicona en sus gavetas y ahora se va a volver loco tratando de abrirlas”.

La otra dice:

Yo encontr� el lugar donde mi jefe coloca sus condones; agarr� un l�piz y les hice varios agujeros.

De pronto la tercera grita:

“�Ah! �Ah!”… y se desmaya.

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.

He pulls the guy over and says, “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”

The guy says, “OK”, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses.

He pulls the guy over and demands, “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”

The guy replies, “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis