Category: other

Q: Why don’t they teach driver’s education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don’t want to wear out the camel.

1.I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn’t realize that my radar detector wasn’t on.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You’re going to check the trunk, aren’t you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That’s terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You’re a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. By the looks of that gut, I bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at
McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around�that’s how far they are ahead
of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my
lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed
out of control.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.The Monsignor replied, ‘When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.’So, next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got so nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door.1. Sip the vodka; don’t gulp.2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass.6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the crap out of him.9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, ‘Take this and eat it for it is my body.’ He did not say, ‘Eat me.’12. The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the cherry’.13. The recommended Grace before a meal is not, ‘Rub-a-dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.’14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at Saint Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at Saint Taffy’s.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!” Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” “Yes”, said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?” “Clarence,” said the bird. “That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”

Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedghog? A: A six-foot toothbrush.

En una fiesta, una muchacha le dice a su compa�era de al lado:

“Ten cuidado que ah� viene ‘El R�pido'”.

En eso viene ‘El R�pido’ y la invita a bailar. Cuando est�n bailando, �ste le dice:

“Oye chica, podr�as echarte el panty a un lado”.

“�Aj�, para met�rmelo!”, responde la chica.

“No, para sac�rtelo”.

What are you laughing at? The joke is between your legs!

A woman is sunbathing nude on the roof of a 50-story building when, suddenly, a gust of wind blows her off. A guy on the 40th floor who happens to be leaning out the window catches her.

The guy tells the woman, “Wow, I just saved you! How about giving me a blowjob?”

She says, “No, I couldn’t do that!” So he throws her back off the building.

A guy on the 30th story catches her, and he says, “Hey baby, how about a little screw?”

She says, “No!” So he throws her back off the building.

A guy on the 20th story catches her and, by this time, she is hysterical.

She says, “Please don’t throw me out. I’ll give you a blow job, sex, anything you want!”

The guy says, “You slut!” and he throws her back off the building.

Two Aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around.The first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two Aliens approach and the first one says “Earthling take me to your leader!”

Of course he gets no response. The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. “Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!”

Of course, still no response… The first Alien then turns to the second and says “If this Earthling doesn’t show me some respect and at least acknowledge me I’m going to blast him!”

At that the second Alien replies “O.K., I’m just going to stand down on the next block.”

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. “Earthling take me to your leader!”

So the Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump… the gas station goes up in a huge explosion that blows the Alien down the block to his buddy. He gets up dusts himself off and turns to the second Alien “If you knew that was going to happen why didn’t you warn me!”

The second replies ” I didn’t know what was going to happen… but I’m not going to mess with anyone who’s dick can hang to the ground, wrap around his body twice, and still hang it in his ear!”

La mam� de Pepito le ordena:

“Pepito, ve a comprar porotos”.

Pepito obedeci� y fue a comprar porotos para la cena, pero se gast� casi todo el dinero en dulces, s�lo le sobraron $300 pesos. Al salir vio a un hombre vendiendo un kilo de balas a $300 pesos, Pepito las compr� y las pint� de caf� para hacerlas pasar por porotos. Al llegar se las entreg� a su mam� y ella no not� nada. Pero en la noche, la mam� de Pepito viene y le reclama:

“Pepito, �d�nde compraste esos porotos?”

“�Por qu�?”

“�Es que tu pap� se tir� un pedo y mat� al gato!”

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.

As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, “That’s very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn’t you learn any manners? Where did you come from?”

The man looked up helplessly and said, “The balcony!”

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church.

Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!

Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence.

This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”

The man says, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”

Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”

“Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”