Category: other

The scale at the doctor’s office has a chart showing the desired weight per height. Thanks to it, I now know my problem. I’m not overweight;I’m too short !!

What do you call an [ethnic] with a job?

– One in a million.

Son dos compadres granjeros, y a uno de ellos le iba muy bien con la producci�n de huevos. Un dia el compadre al que no le iba nada bien le dice a su compadre que le d� el secreto para que sus gallinas den muchos huevos. El compadre le dice que es muy f�cil, que a cada gallina le ponga un huevo de plomo y que con eso se soluciona el problema.

Sale el granjero a la ciudad a buscar los famosos huevos de plomo. Despu�s de buscar durante todo el d�a los huevos de plomo sin encontrarlos el granjero dice “�Este es el �ltimo lugar en el que pregunto! Si no hay, me voy.”

En eso fuera de la ferreter�a est� un viejito sentado y el granjero, ya cansado, desde su camioneta le grita, “Ey, disculpe se�or �tiene huevos de plomo?”

El se�or, disgustado, se empieza a levantar lentamente y le responde, “�Lo que tengo son reumas, hijo de la chingada!”

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, ‘John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?’ A ghostly voice answered her, ‘Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.’ Martha tearfully asked, ‘Oh John, what is it like where you are?’ ‘It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.’ ‘What do you do all day?’ asked Martha. ‘Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.’ Martha was somewhat taken aback. ‘Is that what heaven really is like?’ ‘Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.’ ‘Well, then, where are you?’ ‘I’m a rabbit in Arizona.’

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.’ The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump’s haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!’ The other alien shouted to his comrade ‘No, you mustn’t anger him…!’, but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, ‘What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But, how did you know it was so dangerous?’ The other alien answered, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my travels through the galaxy, it’s that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don’t screw with him!’

2lesbians and 2 gays checked into motel 6 one evening at the same time different rooms. what pair would leave first in the morning. Answer: The 2 gays because they got there shit packed the night before.

Un tipo entr� a un bar y empez� a presumir de ser el mejor cazador del mundo. Como algunos se burlaron de �l, �ste asegur� que pod�a reconocer la piel de cualquier animal con s�lo tocarla y, no s�lo eso, tambi�n que pod�a decir el calibre del rifle con el que lo hab�an matado �nicamente con localizar el agujero de la bala.

Comenz� una discusi�n y pronto apostaron las bebidas para ver si era cierto. Le vendaron los ojos al tipo y le dieron la piel de un animal. Despu�s de tocarla un momento, asegur�:

“Castor”.

Despu�s toc� el agujero de bala y declar�:

“Lo mataron con un rifle calibre 22”.

�Ten�a raz�n! Nadie pod�a creerlo, as� que apostaron otra ronda de bebidas y alguien trajo una piel que ten�a en la cajuela del carro. Esta vez le tom� un poco m�s de tiempo y entonces aclar�:

“Le�n del Kalahari.”

Y un poco despu�s:

“Fue un rifle 380”.

�Hab�a acertado de nuevo! La multitud estaba cada vez m�s curiosa, as� que siguieron apostando ronda tras ronda de bebidas y el tipo sigui� ganando siempre. Finalmente, ya entrada la noche, el tipo regres� cay�ndose de borracho a casa, y se acost� de inmediato.

Por la ma�ana, al levantarse, vio en el espejo que ten�a un ojo completamente morado. Intrigado, se dirigi� a su esposa:

“Oye, anoche llegu� borracho, pero no tanto como para no recordar que no tuve ning�n pleito. �C�mo es que tengo este ojo morado?”

Molesta, la esposa, le aclar�:

“Yo te lo puse as�”.

“Pero, �yo qu� te hice?”

“Te acostaste en la cama; metiste tu mano bajo mi ropa interior; y despu�s de tocarme un rato dijiste: �Zorrillo, muerto con un hacha!”

A guy was walking down the street when a hooker approached him and said, “Say, wanna have a good time?”

“Sure,” he answered her, and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.

She says, “Is this the first pussy you’ve seen since you crawled out of one?”

The guy says, “Nope, just the first one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back into.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet
the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, “You going to die. But we sorry for
you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you
die. What is first wish?”
The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.” The Indians get his horse. The
cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on
the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a
naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the
cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man-can only
think of one thing.”
The second day, the chief says, “What your wish today?”
The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his
horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the
horse’s ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back
with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man-going to die
tomorrow and can only think of one thing.”
The last day comes, and the chief says, “This your last wish, white man. What
you want?”
The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his
horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells,
“Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!!!

A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy’s mind, sat him and said: “God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white.” To which the child responded, “Well, then is God Michael Jackson?”

How do you know when an Asian teenager has been in your house?

Your computers on, your homework is done, and your dog is missing.

A woman is sunbathing nude on the roof of a 50-story building when, suddenly, a gust of wind blows her off. A guy on the 40th floor who happens to be leaning out the window catches her.

The guy tells the woman, “Wow, I just saved you! How about giving me a blowjob?”

She says, “No, I couldn’t do that!” So he throws her back off the building.

A guy on the 30th story catches her, and he says, “Hey baby, how about a little screw?”

She says, “No!” So he throws her back off the building.

A guy on the 20th story catches her and, by this time, she is hysterical.

She says, “Please don’t throw me out. I’ll give you a blow job, sex, anything you want!”

The guy says, “You slut!” and he throws her back off the building.