Category: other

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One 70-year-old says, ‘I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.’

An 80-year-old says, ‘My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.’

The 90-year-old says, ‘At seven I pee like a horse. At eight I crap like a cow’

‘So what’s your problem?’ asked the others.

‘I don’t wake up until nine.’

A recent study has revealed alarming statistics that suggest senior citizens are the now biggest carriers of AIDS…Hearing AIDS Seeing AIDS Chewing AIDS Band AIDS RolAIDS Walking AIDS MedicAIDS Government AIDS

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and roadworthy again. But he had run out of people to borrow from.

So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and gets his father. “I need to borrow two hundred dollars,” he says.

At the other end, his father says, “Sorry, I can’t hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line.”

The boy shouts, “Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!”

“Sorry, I still can’t hear you clearly,” says his father.

The operator cuts in, “Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly clearly.”

The father says, “Good. YOU send him the money!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Yisman and Curtis

Un joven llevaba a su novia de regreso a casa en un d�a en que hac�a un fr�o del diablo, cuando de pronto se les poncha una llanta. El joven baja de su auto y empieza a cambiarla. Al poco rato sube al auto y le dice a la novia:

“�Estoy muerto de fr�o! �Ya casi no siento mis manos!” “Pues m�telas en medio de mis piernas para calentarlas!” La muchacha se sube el vestido y le permite al joven que ponga sus manos entre sus muslos. Despu�s de un rato el joven dice:

“�Ya! �Ya las siento mejor! D�jame terminar de cambiar la llanta.” El joven termina de cambiar la llanta y al entrar de nuevo al auto, la muchacha le dice con visible ganas: “�Parece que tus orejas est�n tambi�n terriblemente fr�as!”

Up on the rooftop slick as glass
Watch old Santa bust his ass
Down through the chimney with a stick
And old St. Nick broke his dick
Ho ho ho thats what he says hoe hoe hoe thats what he is

up on the roof top slick as glass see old santa bust his ass

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, “Go get your Mother.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

Q: What’s invisible and smells like carrots??? A: Bunny farts!

Estaban en una reuni�n de negocios un estadounidense, un japon�s y un colombiano. Al poco de comenzar suena un pitido: “piiiiip pip, pip, piiiiiip…”, y el estadounidense salta:

“Disculpadme, please. �Una teleconferencia digital desde Holanda! Debe ser my friend Johan Cruyff…” Y saca una antena de su bol�grafo y se pone a charlar.

Contin�a la reuni�n hasta que otro sonido la interrumpe: “tututuiiii, tututuiii, tututuiii…”, y el japon�s se saca una funda de una muela, le despliega una antena y dice: “Lo siento, es una comunicaci�n multiconferencial para cerrar un acuerdo con la J&B. Ser� s�lo un segundo.”

Al finalizar el Japon�s prosigue la reuni�n hasta que el colombiano se tira un tremendo peo: “prrrrrrrrrr!!!!, ptrrrrrom!, prrrrrrrrrrrpr, PRRRTROMM!!!!!!!”. Se quedan todos mir�ndole alucinados y suelta:

“Perdonadme, �Tiene alguien papel? Es que me est�n poniendo un FAX…”

The 2000 Darwin awards!(28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer’s wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100′ quarry near Durham, in northeastern England. “I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline,” neighbor Alan Renfry told reporters.

Dos marineros que hab�an estado dos meses en altamar, conversaban en la proa del barco:

“�Cuando lleguemos a tierra, me voy a conseguir una mujer de 20 a�os, 90-60-90 y bien puta!”

“Yo en cambio, mi hermano, me voy a conseguir una bien gorda, con celulitis y que sea de muy mal car�cter.”

“�Y eso por qu�?”

“�Porque extra�o mucho la casa!”

3 men were at work and they went to have their lunchbreaks.The 1st man had chocolate spread sandwich as usual.He said “if my wife makes me the same sandwich tomorrow, i swear i will kill myself”.
The 2nd man had tuna sandwich as usual he said “if i have the same sandwich tomorrow, ill kill myself too”.The 3rd man had peanut butter sandwich again”he said if i have the same sandwich tomorrow ill kill myself too.
the next day they all got the same sandwich so they killed themselves.At the funeral, the 1st wife said “he should have told me he wanted a different sandwich”.
the 2nd said the same.
the 3rd said”i dont know why my husband killed himself,he made his own sandwiches”

What do the Green Bay Packers and the LAPD have in common?

Niether one of them can stop a Bronco.