Category: other

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the National Mental Health Institute “hello and welcome to the mental health hotline”If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on line so we can trace your call.If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.If you are a manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press – no-one will answer.If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and you mother’s maiden name.If you have post-traumatic stress disorder slowly and carefully press 000.If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep; or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.If you have low self-esteem, please hang up – all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would
perform illegal operations and crash.

A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member,
a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation
offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to
allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to
fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the
men commented that he guessed they would just have to go back and get it.
The lady pastor said, “That won’t be necessary,” as she got out of the boat
and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, “See I told you we never should have hired that woman!
She can’t even swim!!”

why did Michael Jackson go to Kmart?

he heard little boys pants were half off

Se encuentra un joven en el confesionario. “Padre, resulta que hace cuatro d�as fui a visitar a mi novia, pero mi novia no estaba. Estaba su madre, estaba sola, estaba yo solo, estaba la casa sola, est�bamos los dos solos, padre, y he pecado”.

“Est� bien, hijo m�o, est�s perdonado”.

“Si padre, pero a�n no he terminado. Fui al otro d�a a ver a vi novia, pero tampoco estaba; estaba su t�a, estaba sola, estaba yo solo, estaba la casa sola, est�bamos los dos solos, padre, y he pecado”.

El cura le repite, “est� bien hijo, est�s perdonado”.

“Si padre, pero a�n no he terminado. Despu�s, al otro d�a, fui a visitar a mi novia; estaba mi novia, estaba sola, estaba yo solo, estaba la casa sola, estabamos los dos solos, padre, y he pecado”.

Como no escucha al religioso contestarle, sale del confesionario diciendo: “padre, padre”, y mira hacia el techo y ve al cura trepado en una l�mpara.

“�Padre, qu� hace usted ah�?”, le interroga.

El sacerdote le contesta: “estoy yo solo, est�s t� solo, est� la iglesia sola, estamos los dos solos �el diablo me baja de aqu�!”

Q. What happened to the white man who was talking crap about natives?

A. I dont know, no one does

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.”Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?” inquired the officer.”Mister,” exclaimed the telephone lineman, “I was at the top of the pole!”

1. Throughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ”powerwash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, the Dog

An Indian brave returns from a scouting trip and seeks out the Chief.

“Chief, I have bad news, worse news and good news.”

The Chief asks for the bad news first.

Scout says, “No more buffalo on reservation, we kill last one today.”

Chief asks for the worse news.

Brave says, “Our land is being overrun by white men. They are coming by the
thousands.”

Finally the chief asks for the good news.

The brave says, “Chief, the white men taste just like buffalo.”

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One 70-year-old says, ‘I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.’

An 80-year-old says, ‘My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.’

The 90-year-old says, ‘At seven I pee like a horse. At eight I crap like a cow’

‘So what’s your problem?’ asked the others.

‘I don’t wake up until nine.’

A recent study has revealed alarming statistics that suggest senior citizens are the now biggest carriers of AIDS…Hearing AIDS Seeing AIDS Chewing AIDS Band AIDS RolAIDS Walking AIDS MedicAIDS Government AIDS

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and roadworthy again. But he had run out of people to borrow from.

So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and gets his father. “I need to borrow two hundred dollars,” he says.

At the other end, his father says, “Sorry, I can’t hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line.”

The boy shouts, “Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!”

“Sorry, I still can’t hear you clearly,” says his father.

The operator cuts in, “Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly clearly.”

The father says, “Good. YOU send him the money!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Yisman and Curtis