Category: other

Un tipo est� saliendo de su departamento con una valija y se cruza con otro amigo que est� entrando. �ste le pregunta:

“�Ad�nde vas, te vas de tu casa?”

“S�, me voy. Mi suegra me ha tratado muy mal, adem�s, me insult�, me dijo que soy un vago, un borracho, un desgraciado, un ser inservible…”

“�Ea, una cosa as� no puede ser! Mira, si a m� mi suegra me dice todo eso, yo la mato, la parto en cuatro pedazos y la tiro al r�o”.

“�Y qu� cosa crees que llevo en esta valija?”

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises.So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go. Noon comes, no dictator. . .10 minutes longer. . .no dictator.One assassin turns to the other and says, “Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.”

Why did Spongebob have square headlights(boobs)?
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Because he forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
(For you blondes out there it means when he was trying to stuff his bra instead of taking the tissues out of the tissue box he just put the whole box in his bra. P.S To blondes this might not be funny since I know most of you have done this before)
*cds*

A las dos de la madrugada suena un tel�fono y se oye la voz de un borracho:

“�Es usted el (hip) dueee�o de la tienda (hip) de licoresssss del barrio?”

“Pues s�, lo soy �y qu�?”

“Naaada, (hip) quer�a preguntar a qu� hora abre”.

“A las ocho”, y cuelga enojado.

A las cuatro de la madrugada, vuelve a sonar el tel�fono y se oye una voz todav�a m�s borracha:

“�Hola, jefeee (hip)! �A que hooora dec�a que abr�a?”

“�A las ocho hombre, y d�jeme dormir!”

A las seis, el tel�fono suena otra vez. El borracho casi no puede ya hablar:

“�Holaaa jefeeecccito! Con quuue abrre a las ocho �eh?”

“Le dije que no me llamara m�s. Abro a las ocho y tenga un poco de paciencia para entrar”.

“Esss que yo no quiierro entrarrrr. �Lo que quierooo es salirrrrr…!”

John was hitch-hiking with his dog, a chihuahua. A trucker stopped and said, “I can take you, but I can’t take your dog.” John said, “But man, my dog goes everywhere I go!” The trucker said, “I’m sorry,but I’m not letting a dog in my truck.” John said,”That’s alright, My dog can keep up with your truck anyway.” They were going about 60 mph, the trucker said,”Is your dog still with us?” John looked out his window and said,”Yeah, he’s right here” The trucker was like,”Yeah right” so he started going about 80 mph. He said, “Is your dog still out there?” John looked out and said,”Yeah, he’s still there” Trucker didn’t believe it so he started going 100 mph. He said,”Is your dog still with us?” John looked out and said, “Yep he’s right here” The trucker really didn’t believe this, so going 100 mph, he stopped real quick jumped out and ran around to look. He said,”Damn!! he is right here…… Wait a minute!!! What’s this pink ring around his neck???” John said,”That’s his asshole. He ain’t used to sudden stops”

Sung to the tune of “American Pie”
A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the market used to make me smile

What I’d do when I had the chance
Is get myself a cash advance
And add another tech stock to the pile.

But Alan Greenspan made me shiver
With every speech that he delivered

Bad news on the rate front
Still I’d take one more punt

I can’t remember if I cried
When I heard about the CPI
I lost my fortune and my pride
The day that NASDAQ died

So bye-bye to my piece of the pie
Now I’m gettin’ calls for margin
‘Cause my cash account’s dry

It’s just two weeks from a new all-time high
And now we’re right back where we were in July

We’re right back where we were in July

Did you buy stocks you never heard of?
QCOM at 150 or above?
‘Cos George Gilder told you so

Now do you believe in Home Depot?
Can Wal-Mart save your portfolio?
And can you teach me what a P/E ratio is?

Well, I know that you were leveraged too
So you can’t just take a long-term view

Your broker shut you down
No more margin could be found

I never worried on the whole way up
Buying dot coms from the back of a pickup truck
But Friday I ran out of luck

It was the day the NAAAASDAQ died

I started singin’
Bye-bye to my piece of the pie
Now I’m gettin’ calls for margin
‘Cause my cash account’s dry

It’s just two weeks from a new all-time high

And now we’re right back where we were in July
Yeah we’re right back where we were in July.

There’s this man, a devout catholic, who really wants to meet the pope. When the pope comes to his town on his world tour, the man puts on his finest Armani suit and goes down to see him.

Well, there are hundreds and hundreds of well dressed people, but the pope walks right up to this one especially shabby guy. The guy is clearly a homeless person, unshaven, smelly and dressed in rags. The pope leans over and has a conversation with the guy.

Well, our hero notices this, and he realizes there is no way that he can possibly be noticed in the sea of Armani suits, so he ducks into a bathroom, shreds his clothing and makes himself up to be equally shabby.

Sure enough, when he comes out the pope comes right over to him, leans over and says, “I thought I told you to get the hell out of here.”

Tired of having to stare at the luscious young kitten on the other side of the fence, bold Tommy Tomcat decided to visit her.

Settling back on his haunches, he gave a mighty leap and landed on the other side. Impressed, the lovely cat sauntered over.

“That was quite a leap,” she remarked. “Want to go somewhere and cuddle?

“Fraid not,” said Tommy, a pained expression on his face. “The fence was higher than I thought.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the National Mental Health Institute “hello and welcome to the mental health hotline”If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on line so we can trace your call.If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.If you are a manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press – no-one will answer.If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and you mother’s maiden name.If you have post-traumatic stress disorder slowly and carefully press 000.If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep; or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.If you have low self-esteem, please hang up – all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would
perform illegal operations and crash.

A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member,
a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation
offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to
allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to
fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the
men commented that he guessed they would just have to go back and get it.
The lady pastor said, “That won’t be necessary,” as she got out of the boat
and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, “See I told you we never should have hired that woman!
She can’t even swim!!”

why did Michael Jackson go to Kmart?

he heard little boys pants were half off