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Est�n dos tipos platicando cuando ven venir a un cuero de aquellos de pel�cula.
Uno le dice al otro: “te apuesto $500 a que esa tipa trae puesto el calz�n de mi mam�”.
“�C�mo vas a creer vos?”
“�Apostamos?”
“Apostados, pero que sea el doble”.
Cuando se acerca la muchacha, el apostador murmura: “mamita rica, traes puesto mi calz�n”.
“�El de tu madre, hijo de la gran p…!” le responde la mujer.
This one woman who was in her late 40’s went to the plastic surgen. She wanted
an entire face lift and so the doctor said he had this new technique. The woman
asked how it was done so the doctor explained it. He said that he would cut two
slits on top of her head and tie them into a knot. The woman asked why he would
put a knot, and the doctor said that it was so if her face felt a little droopy,
when she twisted it to the right, it would tighten the skin on her face. The
woman decided to get the surgery done.The doctor told her to come back in four
months so he could check up on how she was doing. During the four months the
woman had tightened the knot quite a bit. When the woman had finally gone back
to see the doctor, she had been complaining about her bags under her eyes being
heavy.The doctor examined her for one minute and said, lady, those aren’t bags
under your eyes, they’re your tits! And then the lady said, that would explain
the gotee on my chin!
A confused little nine year old boy asks his mother one day,”Mom, is God a
man or a woman?”
“Well,” says the boy’s mother, “God is unique. He’s both a man and a woman.”
This further confuses the little boy, so he says, “Mom, is God black or white?”
The mother begins to get a little embarassed, but she answers, “God is both
black and white, honey.”
The even more confused little boy then asks, “Mom, is God gay or straight?”
The boy’s mother mow hesitates, but she answers, “Well, God is both gay and
straight, son.”
The boy now smiles with understanding. “Mom! Now I know! Is God Michael
Jackson?”
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced.
Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone say’s you don’t know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis and Tantilazing
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every
day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time. As he passed her
pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as
the young man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual,
the pretzel woman spoke to him: ” Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a
good customer, but I have to let you know that the price of pretzels has
increased to 35 cents.”
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.”
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St. Peter told the first husband, “I can’t let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.” Dejected, he turned and walked away. The next married couple stepped up, and St. Peter told the husband, “Can’t let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny.” The guy hung his head, turned and walked away. The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, “Come on, Fanny, he’s not going to let us in either!
A Georgia State Trooper pulls over a pick-up on I-75. He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”The driver says, ” ‘Bout what? “
Q: What do you get when you cross Santa Claus with Rambo?
A: You get a Gung-Ho Ho-Ho that, if your naughty, will be after your ass-Ho.
Un tipo est� saliendo de su departamento con una valija y se cruza con otro amigo que est� entrando. �ste le pregunta:
“�Ad�nde vas, te vas de tu casa?”
“S�, me voy. Mi suegra me ha tratado muy mal, adem�s, me insult�, me dijo que soy un vago, un borracho, un desgraciado, un ser inservible…”
“�Ea, una cosa as� no puede ser! Mira, si a m� mi suegra me dice todo eso, yo la mato, la parto en cuatro pedazos y la tiro al r�o”.
“�Y qu� cosa crees que llevo en esta valija?”
Una viejecita viv�a sola con un loro antichavista, que pasaba todo el d�a gritando: “Muera Chavez”.
Un d�a los c�rculos bolivarianos que vivian en la misma vecindad fueron a hacerle un reclamo a la viejita para que callara al loro. Esta, preocupada habl� con el loro:
“Lorito,mijo, c�llate la boca, deja de meterte con el gobierno que nos van a joder duro, c�llate la boca”. Pero el loro nada que le paraba bolas a la vieja, y segu�a: “Que muera Ch�vez”.
La viejita fue a hablar con el cura del pueblo para explicarle la situaci�n, a ver si pod�a ayudarla, y el cura le dijo: “A ver, hija: Lo que podemos hacer es meterlo en la misma jaula de mi loro, que se sabe de memoria la Misa, el Santo Rosario y muchas otras oraciones, para ver si as� se le olvida el asunto y aprende a rezar”. As� fue…
Al cabo de 15 dias, la viejita preocupada, va de nuevo a visitar al cura a ver los resultados, y le pregunta: “Padre, que pas� con el lorito?” Entonces el cura la mira con suma preocupaci�n y le dice:
“Yo creo que la cosa se puso peor, hija m�a, porque cuando tu loro dice “Muera Ch�vez” el m�o responde “Te lo pedimos, Se�or…”
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
“Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”
“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.”
“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!”
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. “Well, dear, what exactly did he say?”
“He said the reflector is broken.”
“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?”
“I’m not sure, Jacob,… something about the emergency brake.”