Category: other

A Beatle’s Computer Parody Write in C (”Let it Be”) ———- When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: ”Write in C.” As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: ”Write in C.” Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, oh, Write in C. LOGO’s dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics! Write in C. If you’ve just spent nearly 30 hours, Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, yeah, Write in C. BASIC’s not the answer. Write in C. Write in C, Write in C Write in C, oh, Write in C. Pascal won’t quite cut it. Write in C.

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

A husband and wife went to see a marriage counselor, who said to them, “Let’s start by talking about something the two of you have in common.”

The husband thought for a moment and said, “Well, neither of us sucks dick.”

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by yisman

a boy was meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time for dinner.
after dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes,
leaving him with the father and the dog duke, who was sitting underneath the
boy’s chair. unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. he
stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

“duke!” the dad yelled.

“this is great!” the boy thought. “he thinks the dog is farting!” so he let
out another one.

“duke!” the father barked. the boy thought he was home free so he let
everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

“duke! get out of there before the boy s**** on you!”

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession. The Ants’ star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants’ goal when the Elephants’ left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game.”What the hell do you think you’re doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?” The elephant replied, “Well, I didn’t mean to kill him — I was just trying to trip him up.”

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG… Um, I mean… Um, no “diplomats” are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

Dearn Ann:

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny “The Fingers”), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn’t I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

One morning a man tells his coworker her hair smells nice. The
woman gets enraged, storms into her supervisors office and
declares she’s filing a sexual harrassment suit. “come on.” says
the supervisor. “What’s wrong with a guy saying your hair smells
nice?”
“He’s a FUCKEN MIDGET.”

Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the
confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man�s
private parts.

The priest asks, “What part of your body did you use?”

The nun replies, “My right hand.”

The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 Hail Mary�s
and all will be forgiven.

The second nun goes into the confessional and says, “Bless me father for I
have sinned I touched a mans private parts.”

The priest asks, “What part of your body did you use?”

The nun replies, “My left hand.” The priest tells her to dip her left hand in
the holy water say 10 Hail Mary�s and all will be forgiven.

Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun
taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, “Would you mind if I went first?”

The third nun says, “Sure I don’t care, but would mind telling me why?”

The fourth nun replies, “Well, I would like to drink the water before you have
to sit in it!”

Hab�a una vez dos se�oritas que eran las mejores amigas, y decidieron casarse el mismo d�a.

Cuando se fueron a su luna de miel, las dos decidieron quedarse en el mismo hotel para poderse ver por las ventanas y contarse c�mo les hab�a ido en su primera noche de bodas…

Al otro d�a una le pregunta a la otra, “�que tal te fue en tu primera noche?”

“El me quit� la ropa.”

“El tambi�n.”

“El se acost� en la cama conmigo y me gust�.”

“A m� tambi�n”, contest� nuevamente la otra chica…

Y as� se estuvieron contando todo lo que les hab�a pasado, hasta que uno de los novios le dijo a una de ellas: “Ya deja de estar gritando por la ventana cont�ndole como te fue en tu primera noche, mejor ll�mala…”

Entonces la chica le dice a la otra: “LLAMAME”.

Y la otra le contesta:

“�YO TAMBIEN!”

A visiting professor at Clemson University is giving a seminar
on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:
“How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students
raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in
ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40
students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”–15 students raise
their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a
ghost?”–3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is
astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says,
“Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has
ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up
here and tell us about your experience.

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his
way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what
it’s like to have sex with a ghost.

The student replies, “Ghost?!?”

“Dang it, I thought you said ‘goats’.”

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test.

He gives each woman a present of $5000 and waits to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much, Again, the man is impressed.

The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000, gives him back the original $5000 and invests the rest in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously the man is impressed.

The man had a difficult choice and thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money and then he married the one with the biggest tits.