A king with a 20 year old daughter lived in the biggest castle in his land. It was about time for her to marry. Every before she went to bed, she would put green glitter down on her vagina. Every couple of weeks he would call in 3 men from town and told them “Go in and have sex with my daughter. If you come out with green glitter on your dick, you will get thrown to the lions. If you come out clean, you will marry her.” Many had tried and many had failed. This week, he called in 3 men. When each went in, gaurds would watch to make sure they really had sex. The first one went in and was in there for 1/2 and hour. When he came out, he was thrown to the lions. The second one went in and was in there for about 2 1/2 hours. He comes out and he also gets thrown to the lions. The third goes in with a big grin on his face. The king sat on his throne and waited about 4 hours before the man finally comes out. Suprisingly, he has no glitter on his dick. They get married later that afternoon. It was a big ceremony with everyone there. That night was the honeymoon. As they were about to have sex, he said to his new bride, ” i need to go brush my teeth.” When he got to the bathroom, he opened the cabinet door to get his toothbrush. When he closed the door to the cabinet, looked in the mirror and smiled real wide.
Category: other
Cannibal isle
three men were stranded on an island and found a tribe of cannibals and the chief hits them with a club. they wake up to find that they have been tied up and the chief says that they can live only if they can find 10 pieces of the same fruit and shove it up their ass with no expression on their face. this will be easy they all said.2 hours later the first man comes back with straberries 1 2 3 4 5 and on the 6th one he burst out in pain so he was eaten the next man comes with huckle berries easy he thinks 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 and on the 10th one he bursts out in lauhter so he was eaten later they meet up in heaven and the 1st man asks why he laughed and he said i couldnt help it i saw the next man coming with coconuts.
Los siete enanitos est�n de
Los siete enanitos est�n de viaje por Europa, y han llegado a Roma. Piden audiencia con el Papa, ya que est�n por all� y por supuesto se la conceden, porque claro, para eso son LOS FAMOSOS SIETE ENANITOS.
Los enanitos, encabezados por Gru��n, entran en la sala de audiencias. El Papa les saluda: “Queridos hermanos, quereis preguntarme algo? Hay algo que los inquiete?” Gru��n se adelanta: “Disculpe Santidad, quer�amos saber si en Roma hay monjas enanas.” El Papa le responde sorprendido: “Pueeees, no, en Roma no hay monjas enanas.” Se oyen algunas risitas y murmullos entre los enanitos. Gru��n mira atr�s molesto y todos se callan. Vuelve a preguntar:”Y en Europa no hay monjas enanas?” El Papa responde de nuevo con santa paciencia: “No, querido hijo, que yo sepa en toda Europa no hay monjas enanas.” Ahora los enanitos se r�en francamente mientras Gru��n se va poniendo colorado. “Y en el mundo? En todo el mundo no hay monjas enanas?”, pregunta Gru��n. “No, querido hijo, seguro que en todo el mundo no hay monjas enanas”, responde el Papa.
Los enanitos, sin Gru��n, se r�en a carcajadas, saltan, se abalanzan los unos sobre los otros en montones mientras cantan: “Gru��n se cogi� a un ping�ino, Gru��n se cogi� a un ping�ino, Gru��n se cogi� a un ping�ino…”
Missed Exam
There were four students taking organic chemistry at university They did so well on all the quizzes, mid-terms, labs and essays that each had an ‘A’ so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before they decided to go back to their home town and party with some friends there.
They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to town until early Monday morning the morning of their final exam.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone home to do some study for the weekend with the plan to come back in time for the exam.
But unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they had only just arrived now!
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day.
The four were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night – all night – and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation.
‘Cool,’ they all thought in their separate rooms, ‘this is going to be easy.’
Each finished the problem and turned the page.
On the second page was written, ‘Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tyre?’
Someone else
Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.
Someone’s passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill.
Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person’s share of the work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone’s list, “Let Someone Else do it.”
Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results, “Someone Else can work with that group.”
It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.
Someone Else was a wonderful person, sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do.
Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?
When you are asked to help this year, remember, we can’t depend on Someone Else anymore.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Union worker
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked
across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had
settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly,
“Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam
war…could you help me?”
“Of course, my son”, Jesus said, and when he touched the man’s back, he felt
relief for the first time in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and
driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they
hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and
cried defensively, “Don’t touch me! I’m on long term disability.”
Is God Black Or White?
A white man and a black man were arguing vehemently about whether God was
black or white.
“God, is white!” insisted the white man.
“No way,” replied the black man, “I’m sure God’s black.”
“I’ll prove to you God is white,” said the white man, “Come with me.”
Both men, thereupon, made the long ascension to the top of Mt. Sinai.
The white man called out, “God, hear my prayer! Please tell us what color you
are!”
From the heavens came down a booming voice. “I AM WHAT I AM!” echoed
all over the mountain.
“There, you see!” said the white man, “God, is definitely white!”
“Well, how do you know God is white from what he said?”
“Well,” remarked the white man, quite impatient at this point, “If God were
black he would have said `AH IS WHAT AH IS.'”
Class assignment
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuse will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A smart-ass student pipes up: “What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?”
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: “Well, I guess you’ll have to write that note with your other hand.”
College Rules
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:”The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third timewill cost you $180. Are there any questions?””How much for a season pass?”
Black Eyes
A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.”What happened, my child?” “I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye.” “Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?” “Well, I thought I’d done something wrong. So I put her wedgie back.”
8 more
Why is 77 better than 69?
Because you get 8 more!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Un cura est� dando misa
Un cura est� dando misa y va a empezar su serm�n:
“Hermanos, hoy vamos a hablar de la mentira y de los mentirosos. �Cu�ntos de ustedes recuerdan lo que dice el cap�tulo 32 de San Lucas?”
Todo el mundo levanta la mano; entonces, el sacerdote contin�a:
“Bueno, a eso me refiero. El evangelio de San Lucas s�lo tiene 24 cap�tulos”.