Category: other

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says “Mummy, what are they doing?”

The mother hesitates then quickly replies “Ummm they are making cakes”.

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother “Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?”

Shocked, the Mother says “how do you know?”

She says, “Because I licked the icing off the sofa”.

A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.00.

When he was ready to leave, he told her that he did not have any cash with him but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling it “Rent For Apartment.”

On the way to the office he decided that the whole event was not worth the price he agreed to pay, so he had his secretary send a note with a check for $250.00 and enclosed the following note:

Dear madam,

Enclosed, you should find a check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied.
2. That there was plenty of heat.
3. It was small.

Last night I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat and it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:

Dear sir,

I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how turn it on. And if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, don’t blame me.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Have some fun on your next shopping trip, try these…

Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, “Pick Me!! Pick Me!!”

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme to “Mission Impossible”.

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “NO, NO! It’s those voices again!”

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

Look right into the security cameras, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”

Set up a tent in the Camping Department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed and Bath aisle.

Re-dress mannequins as you see fit.

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in housewares.”

Make a trail of orange juice on the ground leading to the restrooms.

Try bras on over your clothes. (works very well if you’re a man)

Run up to an employee, (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell at him, “I need tampons!”

Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they are not looking.

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His work mates were understandably curious:

“Jack, what happened to you?!?”

“It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the ass of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn’t like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!”

“Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?”

“Naw…After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack — so I tried to poke it back in.”

WHY DID THE MONKEY FALL OUT OF THE TREE?
IT DIED.
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WHY DID THE HOUSE COLLAPSE?
YOUR MOM SAT ON IT.
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DO YOU WANT TO HEAR A JOKE?
SO DO I…
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WHAT TO HEAR A DIRTY JOKE?
THE CLOWN FELL IN THE MUD.
***************************

Here’s a little bit-a-dis and a little bit-a-dat:

How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital?
He’s the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.
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Why don’t Italians have acne?
It slides off.
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Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong!
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What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses behind?
A Mechanic.
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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A Speech Impediment!
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What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They’re hiring.
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Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they’re not going to work in the future either.
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying “Yo!”
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Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?
NONE- “He fell”.
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Q. How do you make a cat drink?
A. Put it in a blender, and strain off the fur.
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Q. Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward?
A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
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Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning?
A. “See ya.”
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Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
A. The survivors were marooned.
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Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common?
A: Nothing… yet.
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The headwaiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy hipwader boots, torn jeans, a dirty leather jacket, with long, stringy dirty hair, and a beard full of old crumbs of food marched right towards him.

The man said, “Yo, bucko, where’s your toliet? I gotta go!”

The headwaiter calmly replied, “Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked ‘Gentlemen’, pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside.”

A couple go to Mexico City for vacation and go to a famous local restaurant. They ask the waiter’s opinion about whats on the menu would be good, and he tells them they have a special each Sunday that’s wonderful, so they order it.

With great fanfare, the waiter brings out a large silver serving platter with two huge steaming rounds of meat, juices dripping, which both smelled and tasted delicious. The couple was more than satisfied and asked the waiter just what the meat dish was.

“Senior, each Saturday night, we have the bull fights, and that was the bull’s balls you ate, good si?!”

They were taken aback by what they had just eaten, but it was delicious and more than enough for two. Six months later, they were back in Mexico City and decided to go to the same same restaurant. Feeling adventuresome, they agreed to order the same dish.

Once again, to great fanfare the waiter brought out the huge silver serving dish and placed it on the table. This time there were two tiny pieces of meat, barely enough for one.

The man says, “excuse me, but the last time we were here and ordered this dish, it was huge, more than enough for two. Why is this dish so small?”

The waiter smiles and replies, ” Well you see sir, sometimes the bull wins!”

A king with a 20 year old daughter lived in the biggest castle in his land. It was about time for her to marry. Every before she went to bed, she would put green glitter down on her vagina. Every couple of weeks he would call in 3 men from town and told them “Go in and have sex with my daughter. If you come out with green glitter on your dick, you will get thrown to the lions. If you come out clean, you will marry her.” Many had tried and many had failed. This week, he called in 3 men. When each went in, gaurds would watch to make sure they really had sex. The first one went in and was in there for 1/2 and hour. When he came out, he was thrown to the lions. The second one went in and was in there for about 2 1/2 hours. He comes out and he also gets thrown to the lions. The third goes in with a big grin on his face. The king sat on his throne and waited about 4 hours before the man finally comes out. Suprisingly, he has no glitter on his dick. They get married later that afternoon. It was a big ceremony with everyone there. That night was the honeymoon. As they were about to have sex, he said to his new bride, ” i need to go brush my teeth.” When he got to the bathroom, he opened the cabinet door to get his toothbrush. When he closed the door to the cabinet, looked in the mirror and smiled real wide.

three men were stranded on an island and found a tribe of cannibals and the chief hits them with a club. they wake up to find that they have been tied up and the chief says that they can live only if they can find 10 pieces of the same fruit and shove it up their ass with no expression on their face. this will be easy they all said.2 hours later the first man comes back with straberries 1 2 3 4 5 and on the 6th one he burst out in pain so he was eaten the next man comes with huckle berries easy he thinks 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 and on the 10th one he bursts out in lauhter so he was eaten later they meet up in heaven and the 1st man asks why he laughed and he said i couldnt help it i saw the next man coming with coconuts.

Los siete enanitos est�n de viaje por Europa, y han llegado a Roma. Piden audiencia con el Papa, ya que est�n por all� y por supuesto se la conceden, porque claro, para eso son LOS FAMOSOS SIETE ENANITOS.

Los enanitos, encabezados por Gru��n, entran en la sala de audiencias. El Papa les saluda: “Queridos hermanos, quereis preguntarme algo? Hay algo que los inquiete?” Gru��n se adelanta: “Disculpe Santidad, quer�amos saber si en Roma hay monjas enanas.” El Papa le responde sorprendido: “Pueeees, no, en Roma no hay monjas enanas.” Se oyen algunas risitas y murmullos entre los enanitos. Gru��n mira atr�s molesto y todos se callan. Vuelve a preguntar:”Y en Europa no hay monjas enanas?” El Papa responde de nuevo con santa paciencia: “No, querido hijo, que yo sepa en toda Europa no hay monjas enanas.” Ahora los enanitos se r�en francamente mientras Gru��n se va poniendo colorado. “Y en el mundo? En todo el mundo no hay monjas enanas?”, pregunta Gru��n. “No, querido hijo, seguro que en todo el mundo no hay monjas enanas”, responde el Papa.

Los enanitos, sin Gru��n, se r�en a carcajadas, saltan, se abalanzan los unos sobre los otros en montones mientras cantan: “Gru��n se cogi� a un ping�ino, Gru��n se cogi� a un ping�ino, Gru��n se cogi� a un ping�ino…”

There were four students taking organic chemistry at university They did so well on all the quizzes, mid-terms, labs and essays that each had an ‘A’ so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before they decided to go back to their home town and party with some friends there.

They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to town until early Monday morning the morning of their final exam.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone home to do some study for the weekend with the plan to come back in time for the exam.

But unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they had only just arrived now!

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day.

The four were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night – all night – and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation.

‘Cool,’ they all thought in their separate rooms, ‘this is going to be easy.’

Each finished the problem and turned the page.

On the second page was written, ‘Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tyre?’