Category: other

I was sat at home yesterday wondering why a frisbee looks bigger the closer it gets to you…
Then it hit me

I read somewhere that 10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.

I went into the local butchers before and the butcher said to me I bet you �2 you cant reach those pieces of meat
I said I Wont bet.
He said why not.
I said the steaks are too high.

Shaba

A Kiwi guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and Jill (the Kiwi Barmaid) takes his order, a Speights, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill’s shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.

Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders a Speights and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a Speights and sits in the corner.

Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he’s from in New Zealand and he tells her: “Nelson”.

“So am I… What suburb in Nelson?”

“Wakatu” he replies.

“That’s amazing…” she says, “So am I – what Street?”

“Leach Place” he replies.

“This is unbelievable…” she says,”What number?”

He says “Number 7” and she is totally astonished.

“You are not going to believe this but I’m from Number 9! My parents still live there!”

“I know…” he says, “Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you”

HE WHO DRINKS KIWI THINKS KIWI!

Good on ya mate

A pancake that has fallen on the kitchen floor and you are very hungry for a
pancake, but when you pick the pancake up you find the gooey syrup and the
creamy butter are like flypaper and so your spongey, yummy pancake is covered in
lint, dustmites, a splotch of still-moist mustard from the night before, a
broken match, a dirty fingernail, and of course millions of squirming, pulsing
bacteria. Also: the pancake now smells like bellybutton, so you puke. But your
stomach is empty so you dry heave, and now the pancake is covered in your early
morning bile. Anyway, you’re so hungry so you eat the pancake.
Man, that is totally gross.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

“I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.

He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

“Ah, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, “Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here?”

Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result – all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts.

Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that’s the way they’ve always done it and that’s the way it’s always been around here.

And that’s how company policy begins….

Yo’ mama so dumb, when she filled out her job application and it said �sex,�
she wrote �not lately.�

Un borracho entra en un bar; se acerca a la barra y pide una cerveza. Mientras se la bebe dice en voz alta y muy embriagado:

“Todos los que est�n a mi derecha de la barra son unos imb�ciles. Y todos los que est�n a mi izquierda son unos gilipollas”.

Salta uno de los de su izquierda y reclama:

“�Perdona, pero yo no soy un gilipollas!”

“Pues pasa al otro lado, �IMB�CIL!

Q: Why did the Polak cross the road?

A: He couldn’t get his dick out of the chicken.

What goes clip clop, clip clop, bang?

– An Amish drive-by shooting.

John, who’s 7 asks his dad, “Dad, can you buy me a bike?” and
his dad said, “Son, does your Dick touch your Bum?” and the kid
replied “no”
“Well Theres your answer mate” A couple of years later when
johns 10 he asks his dad “Dad, Can you buy me a skateboard?”
once again he replied “Son, does your Dick touch your Bum?” and
then once again his son replied “no” “Well there is your answer
then” His dad said. Years later when john was 16 he came to his
father again and asked “Dad can you buy me a motorbike?” for the
last time his Dad replied “SON!, DOES YOUR DICK TOUCH YOUR BUM?”
and Johnny said “no it doesnt” “WELL THERES YOUR ANSWER.” 5
years later when Johnny was 21 he won lotto.
His Dad asked him “John, Its been abit of a hard year out on the
farm, do ya think we can can have some money?” “Well Dad, Does
ya Dick touch ya bum?” “Well son actually it does”

“WELL DAD, GO FUCK YOURSELF!”

During a transcontinental flight, a passenger looked out the window and noticed that two of the jet’s engines were on fire. He began shouting that the engines were on fire, and pretty soon the rest of the passengers were in the throes of panic.

Whereupon the pilot appeared in the doorway to the passenger compartment with a parachute strapped to his back.

“Don’t worry, folks,” he said cheerfully. “I’m going for help.”

How do you get a nun pregnant?

– Dress her as an altar boy.