You’re Getting Old When…

You’re getting old when…

Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”

You’re getting old when…

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

You’re getting old when…

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

You’re getting old when…

You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

You’re getting old when…

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of the police.

You’re getting old when…

“Getting a little action” means, “I don’t need to take any fiber today.”

You’re getting old when…

“Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

You’re getting old when…

An “all nighter” means not getting up to pee!

Do What With Sheep

Somewhere over Australia…

The plane contains a pilot, co-pilot and a load of sheep. The route is long and the weather is abominable. Nearing their destination the pilot realizes that the fuel is insufficient. “I’m afraid we are just not going to make it Steve. We must prepare to jump.” advises the pilot.

The co-pilots says, “WHAT ABOUT THE SHEEP!”

“FUCK THE SHEEP!” replies the pilot.

“DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TIME?” Steve Inquires.

Clitoris Like Mellon

At a gynecologists convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on “The Variation of the Clitoris”.

“One of the most unusual cases I ever came across,” he told his audience, “was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon.”

Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have been examining an enlarged organ but to compare it to a watermelon would indeed be frivolous.

Goldfinger stared him down and replied: “I wasn’t referring to size but to taste.”

Are You Dead

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awaken from a good nights sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”

“Why not,” he asks. She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”

The husband says to her, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”

The wife says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”

Her husband insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”

His wife answers, “I know I’m dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”

Life in the old dog yet?

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one
night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to
share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on
top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I
will heal you.”
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one
hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her
husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his
other hand on his groin.
With a frown his wife says, “Ernest, he’s talking about healing the sick, not
raising the dead.”

Stupid one liners

I was sat at home yesterday wondering why a frisbee looks bigger the closer it gets to you…
Then it hit me

I read somewhere that 10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.

I went into the local butchers before and the butcher said to me I bet you �2 you cant reach those pieces of meat
I said I Wont bet.
He said why not.
I said the steaks are too high.

Shaba

What is grosser than gross?

A pancake that has fallen on the kitchen floor and you are very hungry for a
pancake, but when you pick the pancake up you find the gooey syrup and the
creamy butter are like flypaper and so your spongey, yummy pancake is covered in
lint, dustmites, a splotch of still-moist mustard from the night before, a
broken match, a dirty fingernail, and of course millions of squirming, pulsing
bacteria. Also: the pancake now smells like bellybutton, so you puke. But your
stomach is empty so you dry heave, and now the pancake is covered in your early
morning bile. Anyway, you’re so hungry so you eat the pancake.
Man, that is totally gross.

Smelling the fork

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

“I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.

He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

“Ah, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, “Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here?”

Good on ya mate

A Kiwi guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and Jill (the Kiwi Barmaid) takes his order, a Speights, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill’s shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.

Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders a Speights and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a Speights and sits in the corner.

Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he’s from in New Zealand and he tells her: “Nelson”.

“So am I… What suburb in Nelson?”

“Wakatu” he replies.

“That’s amazing…” she says, “So am I – what Street?”

“Leach Place” he replies.

“This is unbelievable…” she says,”What number?”

He says “Number 7” and she is totally astonished.

“You are not going to believe this but I’m from Number 9! My parents still live there!”

“I know…” he says, “Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you”

HE WHO DRINKS KIWI THINKS KIWI!

Good on ya mate

Company Policy

Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result – all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts.

Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that’s the way they’ve always done it and that’s the way it’s always been around here.

And that’s how company policy begins….

El indio chico le pregunta

El indio chico le pregunta al pap� indio:

“Pap�, decirme �c�mo hacer t� para ponerle nombre a mi hermano mayor?”

“Bueno,” responde el pap� indio, “cuando nacer tu hermano, lo primero que ver yo al salir de la carpa ser un �guila blanca volando, as� es que ponerle a tu hermano Aguila Blanca.”

“�Y c�mo hacerlo con mi hermana?” pregunta el indio chico.

“Bueno, cuando nacer tu hermana lo primero que ver yo al salir de la carpa ser una flor silvestre, por eso ponerle a tu hermana Flor Silvestre. �Pero, porque hacerme estas preguntas Perro Culiando?”