Category: other

Did you hear about the plane they stopped from take off at
Cleveland-Hopkins
This older Lady had Crochet needles
and was knitting away.
so they stopped the take off,
They were afraid she was going to knit an Afgan

What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?

Gaelic breath.

Estaban cerca las elecciones, el candidato, peronista de esos de la primera hora, se dirig�a a la multitud:

“�Y vamos a solucionar los problemas de los jubilados!”

Todos aplauden y vitorean y un borracho le grita: “�Hac� como Per�n!”

“�Claro que s� compa�ero!”, responde contento con el apoyo. “�Vamos a ayudar al obrero!”

Vitorean y el borracho otra vez: “�S�… y hac� como Per�n!”

“Por supuesto, compa�ero!”, sigui� el candidato enardecido. “�Las empresas volver�n al Estado!

“�Pero hac� como Per�n!”

“�Y que hizo Per�n?”, pregunta fuera de s�.

“�Se muri�!”

You’re so ugly that when your mama dropped you off at school, she was arrested for littering!

Comment: AVERAGE
Really Means: Not too bright.

Comment: EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED
Really Means: Has committed no major blunders to date.

Comment: ACTIVE SOCIALLY
Really Means: Drinks heavily.

Comment: QUICK THINKING
Really Means: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

Comment: INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION
Really Means: Knows more than superiors.

Comment: STERN DISCIPLINARIAN
Really Means: A real jerk.

Comment: APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC
Really Means: Finds someone else to do the job.

Comment: A KEEN ANALYST
Really Means: Thoroughly confused.

Comment: EXPRESSES SELF WELL
Really Means: Can string two sentences together.

Comment: DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP
Really Means: Has a loud voice.

Comment: JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND
Really Means: Lucky.

Comment: KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR
Really Means: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

Comment: SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE
Really Means: Stupid.

Comment: ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS
Really Means: An office gossip.

Comment: ENJOYS JOB
Really Means: Needs more to do.

Comment: HAPPY
Really Means: Paid too much.

Comment: CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN
Really Means: Pain in the ass.

Comment: USES TIME EFFECTIVELY
Really Means: Clock watcher.

Comment: USES RESOURCES WELL
Really Means: Delegates everything.

Comment: DESERVES PROMOTION
Really Means: Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There he is greeted by George Washington.

“How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: “You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, “This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!” He drops a large weight on Osama’s knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, “This is not what I was promised!”

An angel replies: “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?”

Tres exploradores se internaron en lo m�s profundo de la selva. Al tercer d�a fueron capturados por una tribu, que acostumbraba fabricar canoas con la piel de sus v�ctimas.

El jefe de la tribu les dice a los prisioneros que pueden pedir un �ltimo deseo. El primero, buscando ganar el mayor tiempo posible, le dice que quiere enviar un email a su esposa. El jefe sonr�e y lo invita a su choza y le muestra una computadora �ltimo modelo. Veinte minutos m�s tarde la piel del prisionero est� sec�ndose al sol en espera de ser convertida en una canoa.

El segundo se exprime el cerebro y dice que le gustar�a tocar la luna antes de morir. El jefe manda a dos personas al museo m�s cercano. Dos d�as despu�s regresan en sus canoas con un pedazo de roca de la luna. Media hora m�s tarde la piel del pobre prisionero es tendida cuidadosamente en espera de convertirse en una canoa.

El tercer prisionero pide un tenedor. El jefe se muestra extra�ado, pero accede a su �ltima voluntad. Entonces el prisionero grita: “Miren lo que hago con su puta canoa.” Y comienza a clavarse el tenedor por todo el cuerpo.

A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”

“Of course I do. It is the Bible.” the lady replies!

“Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?” he asked.

“Oh, Jonah … Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.” she replied.

“Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?” he asked.

“Well, I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him.” said the lady.

“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.

“Then YOU can ask him.” replied the lady!

Whenever answering the phone, and it’s for your boss, say, “He’s
under his desk screwing his secretary. Can I take a message?”

Strip off all your clothes. Complain about how hot it is in the
office, regardless of the temperature.

When your boss is on the phone scream, “Damn it! I’m expecting a
call!! Stay off the phone!!”

If your boss bumps into you, start screaming sexual harassment.
Talk in great lengths about the state laws on harassment. Get
the authorities involved. Threaten to sue.

Sleep with your boss’s daughter. Videotape it. Pass out copies
around the office. Brag about how easy she was.

Steal various office equipment (pencils, staplers, desks). Frame
your boss for it.

When asked to do something start laughing hysterically. Continue
this for five minutes. Calm down and say, “Oh, you were being
serious?”

Loosen the bolts on the boss’s chair. Laugh loudly when he/she
falls down. Play innocent.

Whenever the boss starts to tell you a story, interrupt him/her
with a story of your own. Make sure the story is boring and has
no point whatsoever.

Send a dozen roses to your boss’s house when their spouse is
home. Sign an ex-flames name on the card. Next day, ask him/her
how their evening was. Be obvious.

Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent, they think they’re listening.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?…. “I’m four and a half” …. You’re never 36 and a half …. you’re four and a half going on five!

That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? “I’m gonna be 16.” You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens …. you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony …. you BECOME 21 … YES!!!

But then you turn 30 …. ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk …. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now.

What’s wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40 ….. stay over there, it’s all slipping away ……..

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ….. and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60 ….. you didn’t think you’d make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 …… then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it’s a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday …. You get into your 80’s, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won’t even buy green bananas …. it’s an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn’t end there …. into the 90’s you start going backwards …. I was JUST 92 …

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again …. “I’m 100 and a half!!!!”

A tourist from the United States of America is at a restaurant in Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the best country in the world because of the freedoms it has. He says, “Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in front of the White House in Washington D.C. and yell ‘President Bush is a bastard!’ and nothing would be done to me.”The Cuban waiter replies, “We have that same freedom in Cuba. I could stand in front of El Capital and yell the same thing and nothing would be done to me either!”