Category: other

The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: “And as for you Reggie — you might at least stop while I’m talking !”

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he says, “Well, there’s not that much room left at heaven, so you have to tell me an interesting way that you died, and if it’s interesting enough, I’ll let you in.”

So St. Peter goes into his office and calls in the first man.

He says, “I was coming home from work one day early, and when I walked in the door, I had a strange suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. I walk into our room and surely enough, find her sprawled out nekkid alone on our bed. Sure that the guy was in the house, I searched frantically to find him… Under the bed, in the closet… Finally I found him hanging from our ledge on our balcony. Furious, I stepped on his hand and he went plummetting two stories down. However, he landed in a bush and I wasn’t sure if he was dead yet. So I lifted the refrigerator and tossed it onto him. Later, I felt so guilty I committed suicide.”

“Wow,” said St. Peter, “that’s a pretty fantastic story.”

So St. Peter calls in the second guy.

He said, “One day, I was having an argument with my wife. She gets so mad that she pushes me right out the window of our fourth-story apartment. So, quickly I grabbed on a ledge of a balcony on the second floor. Then, suddenly, some nutcase steps on my hand and I go plummeting to the ground. Luckily I landed on a bush, but then the nutcase drops a fridge on me!”

Then St. Peter called in the third guy. He says, “Alright, picture this: You’re nekkid, and in a refrigerator…”

Why do women like making love to Greg Norman, the Australian golfer?
Because he always finishes second!

Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia.

One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave and seek their way in life.

‘You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely sinful world,’ she said.

‘I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They’ll do anything to get their way.

They’ll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where they’ll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out.’

‘Excuse me, Mother,’ one of the girls asked. ‘You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?’

‘Yes child, why do you ask?’

‘Because the priests only give us candy!’

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his
altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s
sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on
the work and with a flourish hands him 50p. The boy looks at the coin and says
to the priest, “Thanks very much Father, you’re a virgin”.
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. Next day the boy has to
paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to
finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks at the job and this time
gives the lad a pound coin. Once again the lad looks at the coin and says,
“Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin”.
At this stage the priest decides to take action. “Tommy,” he says, “that’s
twice you called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?”

“Yes” says the brat, “a tight c*NT.”

Q. WHY DO ELEPHANTS HAVE 4 FEET? A.THEY WOULD LOOK SILLY WITH 6 INCHES.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year-phase in plan that would be known as ‘EuroEnglish’:

In the first year, ‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favor of the ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with the ‘f’. This will make words like ‘fotograf’ 20 percent shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent ‘e’ in the language is disgraceful, and it should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaning ‘ou’ and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!

What did the [ethnic] do before going to a cock fight?

He greased his zipper.

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent
the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards
the end of class, the teacher asked his students, “Suppose I asked you to meet
me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes
east longitude…” A student’s voice broke the confused silence, and
volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone, sir.”

Una mujer se queja ante el m�dico porque hace d�as que su marido no le hace nada.

“Justo en ese momento, se�ora, se est�n probando unas gotas para devolver las ganas, �selas con su marido y regrese a contarme”.

Al d�a siguiente, la mujer vuelve con el galeno con una cara que no se sab�a si era de alegr�a o de desconsuelo.

“�C�mo le fue, se�ora?”

“Pues no s�, doctor, perm�tame explicarle: estaba cenando con mi marido y en el momento en que �l se levant� de la mesa yo le ech� las gotas en su bebida. Cuando regres�, se tom� un s�lo trago de su bebida y, exactamente a los cinco minutos, se levant� de la mesa, bot� todo al suelo, me puso sobre la mesa y….”

“Pero, �entonces qu� pasa, no era eso lo que usted quer�a?”

“S�, pero no en un restaurante”.

How come they don’t let the little black kids play in the sandbox?

Cause the kittys keep trying to bury them.

How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace

1. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell
people you’re waiting for your document.

2. Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t
have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the
meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

3. Insist that your e-mail address be
“[email protected]”

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign
a waiver.

5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they
want fries with that.

6. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent
debate about the direction of one of your company’s products.
Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the
disagreement.

8. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until
they’re all present.

11. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same
outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is
especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you
are.)

12. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them
only by these names. “That’s a good point Sparky.” “No, I’m
sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”
“Hey Bucko, are we meeting later?”etc…

14. Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page
for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children,
draw stick figures yourself.)

15. Schedule meetings for 4:14 p.m.. or 2:37 p.m., or 10:16
a.m..

16. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little
synchronized chair dancing.

17. Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at
McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

18. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what
you’re doing. For example “If anyone needs me I’ll be in the
bathroom.”

20. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

21. Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

23. Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty
soda cans.

24. Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the
office,and talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when
she/he leaves.

25. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office,
mutter, “I think my phone is ringing” and leave to get a coffee.

26. Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

27. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

28. Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

29. Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your
chair. Talk into your daytimer.

30. “Hi-lite” your shoes and tell people that you haven’t lost
your shoes since you did this.

34. Include a personal note on every email you send. “On a
personal note, I’m feeling a bit tired and grumpy today.” or “On
a personal note, I’m pleased to announce that I got my highest
score ever on Tetris last night.”

35. Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out
quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

37. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

38. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny
Partridge. Try to pass them off as your own children.

39. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc….
in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none…
Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be
faster than that.”

40. See how long it takes until the last person stops believing
you. Then start planting pizzas.

41. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

42. Put a sign on the copier that says, “Voice Activated! Speak
loudly into the panel.”