Category: other

Dean, to the physics department.”Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn’t you be like the math department – all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper.”

An old man lived alone in Missouri. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Jefferson City Prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, “For HEAVEN’S SAKE Dad, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the GUNS!”

At 4 A.M. the next morning, two dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son’s reply was: “Now you can plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do at this time.”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Tds181

Terrorists burst into a synagogue just before Yom Kippur (Attonement Day), demanding 20 million dollars and a jet plane in ransom. The Governor, being a tough man, said no.

The terrorists then announced that they would kill, in quick succession, 3 people. They chose the Rabbi, the Cantor, and the Sexton.

They told the Rabbi: “We’re going to kill you first. Any last requests?”

“Only one,” said the Rabbi. “All my life I have wanted to give the perfect sermon. This time, for Yom Kippur, I have worked on my sermon for many months. It’s really great. Before you kill me, I’d like to give my sermon”.

“No problem” said the chief terrorist. “Give your sermon and then we’ll kill you”.

He turned to the Cantor: “You’ll be second to die. Any last requests?”

“Only one” said the Cantor. “All my life I have wanted to sing the perfect Kol Nidre (that’s the first prayer on Yom Kippur eve). This year, I have practiced and practiced and have polished it to perfection. Before you kill me, I would like to sing it once”.

“No problem”, said the terrorist. He then turned to the Sexton. “You’ll be third. Any last wish?”

“Only one”, said the Sexton. “Please kill me first.”

The plural of ‘moose’ is ‘mice’, because if you
have more than one, they had better be small.

Where do lady ghosts go for haircuts? The Boo-ty Parlor!

The governor of Montana, who considered himself deeply artistic and an avid historian, commissioned an artist to paint a rendition of the thoughts that went through the mind of General Custer at “Custer’s last stand.”

The artist worked away for weeks and weeks. Finally, the great day came for the unveiling of the painting.

Imagine the governor’s surprise when he saw an image of a cow with a halo above its head standing in the center of the picture. Emerging over a nearby hill was a file of Native Americans toting sacks of cotton on their backs.

“What do you mean by this? What does this portray?” the Governor demanded.

The artist replied, “I thought it was perhaps a bit too obvious, your Eminence. These are the thoughts that went through General Custer’s mind at the battle. He is thinking, ‘Holy cow! Where did all these cotton-pickin’ Indians come from?'”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell. AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share.IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK they are called managers.

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The
courage to change the things I cannot accept. And the wisdom to
hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed
me off!

Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they
may be connected to the ass that I have to kiss tomorrow.

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psychopath.

Please leave your values at the front desk.

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he says, “Well, there’s not that much room left at heaven, so you have to tell me an interesting way that you died, and if it’s interesting enough, I’ll let you in.”

So St. Peter goes into his office and calls in the first man.

He says, “I was coming home from work one day early, and when I walked in the door, I had a strange suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. I walk into our room and surely enough, find her sprawled out nekkid alone on our bed. Sure that the guy was in the house, I searched frantically to find him… Under the bed, in the closet… Finally I found him hanging from our ledge on our balcony. Furious, I stepped on his hand and he went plummetting two stories down. However, he landed in a bush and I wasn’t sure if he was dead yet. So I lifted the refrigerator and tossed it onto him. Later, I felt so guilty I committed suicide.”

“Wow,” said St. Peter, “that’s a pretty fantastic story.”

So St. Peter calls in the second guy.

He said, “One day, I was having an argument with my wife. She gets so mad that she pushes me right out the window of our fourth-story apartment. So, quickly I grabbed on a ledge of a balcony on the second floor. Then, suddenly, some nutcase steps on my hand and I go plummeting to the ground. Luckily I landed on a bush, but then the nutcase drops a fridge on me!”

Then St. Peter called in the third guy. He says, “Alright, picture this: You’re nekkid, and in a refrigerator…”

Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia.

One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave and seek their way in life.

‘You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely sinful world,’ she said.

‘I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They’ll do anything to get their way.

They’ll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where they’ll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out.’

‘Excuse me, Mother,’ one of the girls asked. ‘You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?’

‘Yes child, why do you ask?’

‘Because the priests only give us candy!’