Category: other

A couple are on holidays in the west of Ireland. It is wet and
freezing. They visit a remote pub and are the only people there
except for the barman. They order drinks and sit down. Looking
out the large bay-window they spot a donkey taking a piss in the
field. All of a sudden the husband bolts out the door and into
the field. The wife and barman look on in amazement as the
husband lifts the donkeys tail and kisses it on the arse!
Apon his return the wife,(in a state of shock), asks him
“Why the fuck did you kiss the donkey on the arse?”
The husband replies ” I’ve got chapped lips!”
The wife replies “But kissing a donkey’s arse in not a cure for
chapped lips!”
The husband replies “I know but it stops you from licking them!”

La due�a de un prost�bulo decidi� hacer un reclutamiento de muchachas que quisieran trabajar con ella. Al poco tiempo ya hab�a una fila formada frente al establecimiento. Una anciana que pasaba por all� se detuvo curiosa y pregunt�:

“Oye hijita, �para qu� es esta fila de gente?”

“La muchacha, con verg�enza de decir la verdad, le respondi� lo primero que se le ocurri�:

“Es para treparse a los naranjos y probar naranjas, se�ora”.

La anciana decidi� formarse, y tras un buen rato, lleg� su turno con la due�a del negocio, quien, espantada al verla, le pregunt�:

“�Se�ora, a su edad todav�a se trepa?”

“�Tanto como trepar no, pero chupo que es una belleza!”

Tommy O’Connor went to confession and said, “Forgive me father for I have
sinned.”
“What have you done Tommy O’Connor?”

“I had sex with a girl.”

“Who was it, Tommy?”

“I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin.”

“Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?”

“No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was.”

“Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?”

“No father, please forgive me for my sin.”

“Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O’Keefe.”

“No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.”

“Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary’s and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished
of your sin.”

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. “What did
yaw get?” asked Joseph.

“Well I got 5 hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads.”

It has been brought to management’s attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul language
during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We
do however realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with
coworkers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been
provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our
more sensitive employees.

PREFERRED: Perhaps I can work late.
OLD: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

PREFERRED: I’m certain that is not feasible.
OLD: No fucking way.

PREFERRED: Really?
OLD: You’ve got to be shitting me.

PREFERRED: Perhaps you should check with …
OLD: Tell someone who gives a shit.

PREFERRED: Of course I’m concerned.
OLD: Ask me if I give a shit.

PREFERRED: I wasn’t involved in that project.
OLD: Its not my fucking problem.

PREFERRED: That’s interesting behavior.
OLD: What the fuck?!

PREFERRED: I’m not sure I can implement this.
OLD: Fuck it, it won’t work.

PREFERRED: I’ll try to schedule that.
OLD: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner.

PREFERRED: Are you sure this is a problem.
OLD: Who the fuck cares.

PREFERRED: He’s not familiar with the problem.
OLD: He’s got his head up his ass.

PREFERRED: Excuse me sir?
OLD: Eat shit and die motherfucker.

PREFERRED: So you weren’t happy with it?
OLD: Kiss my ass!

PREFERRED: I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.
OLD: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

PREFERRED: I don’t think you understand.
OLD: Shove it up your ass.

PREFERRED: I love a challenge.
OLD: This job sucks.

PREFERRED: You want me to take care of that?
OLD: Who the hell died and made you boss.

PREFERRED: I see.
OLD: Blow me.

PREFERRED: Yes, we really should discuss it.
OLD: Another fucking meeting!

PREFERRED: I don’t think this will be a problem.
OLD: I really don’t give a shit.

PREFERRED: He’s somewhat insensitive. OLD: He’s a fucking prick.

PREFERRED: She’s an aggressive go getter OLD: She’s a ball
busting bitch.

PREFERRED: I think you could use more training OLD: You don’t
know what the fuck you’re doing.

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. “Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?”, he asked.

“Oh no, Father. Just a little gas.” Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.

A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. “Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?”, he asked again.

“Oh no, Father. Just a little gas.” She replied again.

A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige in the convent.

He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said –
“What a cute little fart!”

An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or
is deadly at Scrabble.

Dormitory
Dirty Room
Desperation
A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code
Here Come Dots
Slot Machines
Cash Lost in ’em
Animosity
Is No Amity
Mother-in-law
Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms
Alas! No More Z’s
Alec Guinness
Genuine Class
The Public Art Galleries
Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point
I’m a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes
That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two
Twelve plus one
Contradiction
Accord not in it
“To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.”
“In one of the Bard’s best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.”
“That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.”
“A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!”

Dean, to the physics department.”Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn’t you be like the math department – all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper.”

An old man lived alone in Missouri. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Jefferson City Prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, “For HEAVEN’S SAKE Dad, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the GUNS!”

At 4 A.M. the next morning, two dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son’s reply was: “Now you can plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do at this time.”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Tds181

Terrorists burst into a synagogue just before Yom Kippur (Attonement Day), demanding 20 million dollars and a jet plane in ransom. The Governor, being a tough man, said no.

The terrorists then announced that they would kill, in quick succession, 3 people. They chose the Rabbi, the Cantor, and the Sexton.

They told the Rabbi: “We’re going to kill you first. Any last requests?”

“Only one,” said the Rabbi. “All my life I have wanted to give the perfect sermon. This time, for Yom Kippur, I have worked on my sermon for many months. It’s really great. Before you kill me, I’d like to give my sermon”.

“No problem” said the chief terrorist. “Give your sermon and then we’ll kill you”.

He turned to the Cantor: “You’ll be second to die. Any last requests?”

“Only one” said the Cantor. “All my life I have wanted to sing the perfect Kol Nidre (that’s the first prayer on Yom Kippur eve). This year, I have practiced and practiced and have polished it to perfection. Before you kill me, I would like to sing it once”.

“No problem”, said the terrorist. He then turned to the Sexton. “You’ll be third. Any last wish?”

“Only one”, said the Sexton. “Please kill me first.”

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION – 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION – 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?” He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.””Very well, my son. Please follow me.” He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, “Please knock on this door”. He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, “Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.” He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

Estaban tres amigos en un bar, entonces Manolo le dice a Venancio:

“Oye, compadre, pr�stame 1000 pesetas por favor, te juro que te las devuelvo ma�ana, si no lo hago me matas.”

“Est� bien, te las prestar�, pero si no me las devuelves te mato, en serio que te mato y aqu� est� el compadre Poncho de testigo.”

A la ma�ana siguiente estaban Poncho y Manolo en el mismo bar:

“Oye Poncho �qu� crees?”

“�Qu�?”

“No tengo dinero para pagarle a Venancio y ahora si me va a matar.”

Entonces llega Venancio al bar con un rifle:

“Manolo espero que me hayas traido mi dinero.”

Entonces Manolo le quita el rifle a Venancio y le dice:

“Lo siento Venancio pero no he conseguido el dinero para pagarte, as� que nos volveremos a ver en el m�s all�.”

Y PUN se mata Manolo. Pero Venancio no conforme exclama:

“�Ah no, �sta me las va a pagar Manolo en el m�s all�!”

Y PUN se mata Venancio. Y Poncho se queda pensando:

“Esta pelea no me la pierdo” y PUN…

Two [ethnics], Tom and Jack, were sitting in a bar one day, when two
fishermen walked in with 2 huge trout, one of the [ethnics] asked where the
guys got the fish, and the fishermen told the [ethnics] that they go down to the
bridge, one guy would hold the other by the ankles until a fish was
caught.

The [ethnics] figured that they could to that.

After holding Tom for about 20 minutes, Jack asked Tom if he had anything,
and the reply was “no.” About 20 more minutes passes, so Jack asked again, and
again the reply was “no.” Finally, Tom yelled “Pull me up!! Pull me up!!”
Jack exclaimed “Ya got one?” Tom said, “No! a train is coming!”