Category: other

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

One fine, sunny morning, a priest took a walk in the local forest. He was walking by a small stream when, sitting on a nearby toadstool, he noticed a sad, sad-looking frog. “What’s wrong with you?” said the priest.”Well,” said the frog, “the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn’t always a frog.” “Really!” said the priest. “Can you explain?””Once upon a time I was an 11-year-old Choirboy at your very church. I too was walking by this stream when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. ‘Let me pass!’ I cried, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into the frog you now see before you.” “That’s an incredible story!” said the priest. “Is there no way of reversing the witch’s spell?” “Yes,” said the frog. “It is said that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food and warmth and a good night’s sleep, I will wake up as a boy again.””Today’s your lucky day!” said the priest, and forthwith picked up the frog and took him home. He gave him lots of food, placed him by the fire, and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. And, lo! miracle of miracles, when he awoke the next morn, there was the 11 year old Choirboy beside him in bed. And that, your Honor, is the case for the Defense.

The Student in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.”Does the hole go all the way through?” “Yes.” i replied “Did it hurt?” “Just a little.” i told him “Did they stick a needle through your ears?” “No, they used a special gun.” i said Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, “How far away did they stand?”

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.

A local fisherman ran up. The man gasped, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I”ll give you a hundred dollars.”

The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, buddy, where’s my hundred?”

The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said…
“Just my luck! So tell me, what do I owe you?”

Un ni�o llega a una torter�a y pide una torta de jam�n. All� estuvo un buen rato sin que ninguno de los que atend�an le hiciera caso. Entonces se le acerca un se�or y le pregunta:

“�Qu�, ni�o, te la est�n haciendo de pedo?”

“�No, no, yo la ped� de jam�n”, protesta el ni�o.

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. “You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!” Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. “How do *you* know, Sister?” “My Mother Superior told me so” “But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?” “Don’t be ridiculous – of course I have never taken alcohol myself” “Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life” “How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!” “I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know” The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. “Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “… and could you put the vodka in a teacup?” “Oh no! It’s not that drunken Nun again is it?”

Un se�or entra a trabajar a una f�brica y el supervisor le explica su tarea:

“Usted atender� esta m�quina, que es la m�s moderna fabricadora de clavos. Con la mano izquierda mueve esta palanca que hace ingresar el alambr�n a la m�quina. Con la mano derecha acciona esta palanca que corta el alambr�n a la medida del clavo. Con el pie izquierdo aprieta este pedal que acciona el afilador de puntas del clavo. Con el pie derecho aprieta este pedal que hace las cabezas de los clavos. Con su cabeza presiona este control que empaqueta los clavos.”

Al rato, el supervisor vuelve a ver al candidato, que est� muy ocupado moviendo todas sus extremidades con gran dinamismo.

“�Todo bien,” le pregunta.

“Perfecto �por qu� no me coloca una escobita en el culo, as� de paso puedo ir barriendo el piso?”

Let a pig and a boy have everything they want, and you’ll get a good pig and a bad boy.

Q: How many people from Dresden can you fit in a mini ?

A: About 25000 if you’ve got a shovel.

Who’s the world’s greatest athlete? The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

A couple are on holidays in the west of Ireland. It is wet and
freezing. They visit a remote pub and are the only people there
except for the barman. They order drinks and sit down. Looking
out the large bay-window they spot a donkey taking a piss in the
field. All of a sudden the husband bolts out the door and into
the field. The wife and barman look on in amazement as the
husband lifts the donkeys tail and kisses it on the arse!
Apon his return the wife,(in a state of shock), asks him
“Why the fuck did you kiss the donkey on the arse?”
The husband replies ” I’ve got chapped lips!”
The wife replies “But kissing a donkey’s arse in not a cure for
chapped lips!”
The husband replies “I know but it stops you from licking them!”

Dos cazadores van de caza por la selva. De pronto se encuentran en un llano y oyen un rugido ensordecedor a sus espaldas. Se dan la vuelta y aparece ante ellos un gorila descomunal.

Mientras uno de los cazadores carga apresudaramente su rifle, observa perplejo que el otro est� sentado cambi�ndose las botas por unas zapatillas de deporte.

Ante esta actitud, el primero le advierte que as� no va a matar al gorila, a lo que el otro le contesta:

“Seguro que no le voy a matar, �pero voy a correr m�s r�pido que t�!”