Category: other

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, “You want fries with that?”

And Man said, “Super size them.” And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.” And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry’s. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, “Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them.”

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And the Devil saw this and said, “It is good.”

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil cancelled Man’s health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken. And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon returning asked Man, “Do I look fat?”

And the Devil said, “Always tell the truth.”

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, “It doesn’t get any better than this!”

Un hombre ten�a boletos para la final del mundial de futbol.

Cuando se sienta, un hombre se acerca y le pregunta si est� ocupado el asiento junto a �l.

“No, est� desocupado” le contesta.

Asombrado el otro dice: “Es incre�ble, �qui�n en su sano juicio tiene un asiento como �ste para la final del mundial, el evento m�s grande del mundo, y no lo usa?”

El hombre lo mira y le dice: “Bueno, en realidad el asiento es m�o. Lo compre hace dos a�os. Se supon�a que mi esposa me iba a acompa�ar, pero falleci�. �ste es el Primer Mundial en el que no vamos a estar juntos desde que nos casamos en 1982.”

Desconsolado el otro dice: “�OH! Me da pena o�r eso. Es terrible. �Pero, no pudo encontrar a alguien m�s? �Un amigo, o pariente, incluso un vecino para que usara el asiento?”

El hombre niega con la cabeza mientras dice:

“No… �todos est�n en el velorio!”

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6:00 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6:00, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

“Good morning,” a young man said sheepishly. “This is your wake-up call.”

Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. “You were supposed to call me at 6:00 AM!” I complained. “What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?”

“Well, sir,” the desk clerk quickly replied, “if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn’t be staying in this motel!”

A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6 foot blond walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.

Blond: “Sir, did you call for me?”
New Man: “No, I just got here.”
Blond: “You must be new here, it’s a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me.”

The blond lays down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts.

A huge man comes toward him.

Huge Man: “Sir, did you call for me?”
New Man: “No, I just got here.”
Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, it implies you called for me.”

The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist…

New Man: “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500.”
Receptionist: “But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities….”
New Man: (Rudely interrupting) “Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

1. Don’t let worry kill you- let the church help.

2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery
upstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David
Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the
church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put
me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club.
All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay
an egg on the alter.

11. The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies
will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the
new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come
forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may
be seen in the church basement Friday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be “What is hell?”
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart “associate” standing there with dark shades on.

She says, “Excuse me sir…can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am I’m blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”

She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line…It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00”.

She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it.”

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time.

At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her…being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”

She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”

He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.”

Well, it seems that these three fellows, an American, a German and a
[ethnic], are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. As the
final hour approachs, each man is trying to think of a way to escape his
inevitable doom. The time comes for the execution and the American is
brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is being tied
around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape by diverting
the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and then running
away.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: “10, 9, 8,……”

Just before the officer reaches “1,” the American shouts,
“Flood!”

Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around
searching for the onrush of water. In all of this confusion, the American
manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the
executioners are aware of what happened, the American has made his way deep
into the woods. And, of course, for the purposes of this joke, no attempt
is made to catch the runaway.

The German is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing the
American’s success, the German decides to attempt a similar escape. He
knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the ‘flood’ trick
Again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: “10, 9, 8,
……”

Just before the officer reaches “1,” the German shouts,
“Hurricane!” Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles
and turn around searching for the onrush of wind. In all of the confusion,
the German manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the
executioners are aware of what happened, the German has made his way deep
into the woods. Again, of course, for the purposes of this joke, no
attempt is made to catch the runaway.

The [ethnic] is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing his
predecessor’s successes, the [ethnic] decides to attempt a similar escape.
He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the ‘flood’ or
the ‘hurricane’ tricks again. Instead, he decides to use another natural
disaster.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: “10, 9, 8,

……” Just before the officer reaches “1,” the [ethnic] shouts, “Fire!”

What is the definition of “making love”?

Something a woman does while a guy is humping her.

A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it. The thief was spending less then his wife.

En un apartado pueblito viv�a un joven llamado Jua�anga que su m�xima aspiraci�n era aprender ingl�s pero sus recursos econ�micos se lo imped�an. Un buen d�a, sin embargo, se decidi� y le dijo a su padre que �l iba a estudiar ingl�s con un m�todo que consist�a en subirse a la monta�a m�s alta, con una peque�a radio, para as� alcanzar las ondas radiales de otros pa�ses y escuchando la pronunciaci�n y modismos de los angloparlantes aprenderlo.

La noticia se propag� por todo el mundo y el apoyo fue incondicional durante el mes que Jua�anga estuvo en la alta cordillera, hasta que un d�a, gente de la CNN dio con la ubicaci�n exacta del esforzado joven, d�ndose el siguiente di�logo:

“Hello, Mr. Jua�anga! How you doing?”

“Gggggzzzzrrrrr Tiiiiiiiiiii Ggggzzzzrr”.

A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, “I wanna open a fucking checking account.”

“Certainly, sir,” answered the teller, “but there’s no need to use that kind of language.”

“Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking account,” growled the would-be customer.

“I’ll be glad to be of service, sir,” said the teller, flushing slightly, “but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way.”

“Just lemme open a fucking checking account, okay?”

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to speak to the branch manager,” said the pissed-off teller, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with a dapper middle-aged man who asked how he could be of service.

“I just won the ten-million dollar lottery, buddy,” snarled the man, “and all I wanna do is open a fucking checking account.”

“I see,” said the manager sympathetically. “And this BITCH is giving you trouble?”

Jill became so mad when she was golfing yesterday, that she threw her brand new set of golf clubs into the lake. A few minutes later she came back, waded into the lake, and retrieved her clubs.She proceeded to take her car keys out of the bag– then threw the clubs back into the water.