Category: other

One day a guy walked into a bar and said hey get me a cold one and something naked. So the bartender punched him with ice in his hand and introduced him to his daugter

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder & a man handed him a card that read “I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?”The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that “no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right.” The first man whacked the ball onto the green & left to finish the hole.Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around & saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ”If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull.” The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ”If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.” The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ”What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!” The kid smiles and says, ”I would be a bus driver!”

Julius Caesar – My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I’d like to get away from all that.

Jesse James – I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette – My management style has been criticized, but I’d like to think of my self as a people person.

Joseph Guillotine – I can give your company a head start on the competition.

Hamlet – My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.

Lucretia Borgia – My greatest accomplishment? after I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.

Pandora – I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.

Genghis Khan – My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.

MacBeth – Would I go after my boss’s job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion.

Lady Godiva – What do mean this isn’t business casual?

Elvis – My last boss and I…say, are you going to eat those fries

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied, “Joe’s mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.”
“Well,” replied the man, “she must have had a lot of friends.”
“Nope,” said the farmer, “we all just want to buy his mule.”

Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C. ?

Student: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.

Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?

Student: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it was AC.

Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?

Student: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.

Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?

Student: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)

Interviewer: Stop! Stop!

Student: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)

Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?

Student: By using a miniature circuit breaker.

Interviewer: ” Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through?

Student: See, a capacitor is like this —~~ ~~— , OK. DC Comes straight, like this ———-, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, Up DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!”

Interviewer : “What is a step-up transformer?”

Student : “A transformer that is put on top of electric poles.”

Interviewer (smiling): “And then what is a step-down transformer?”

Student (hesitantly): “Uh – A transfomer that is put in the basement or in a pit?”

Interviewer (pouncing): “Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?” (student knows he is caught — can’t answer)

Interviewer (impatiently): “Well?”

Student (triumphantly): “A stepless transformer, sir!”.

La esposa argentina le dice al esposo argentino:

“Che, ya es hora de que le ense��s al pibe lo que hacen los pajaritos y las mariposas y los conejitos, �vos me entend�s no?”

El argentino entiende y le dice al hijo:

“Che, �te acord�s cuando fuimos al cabaret y nos cogimos ese par de minitas? Bueno, lo mismo hacen los pajaritos y las abejitas y los conejitos…”

How do you kill an [ethnic]?

Smash the toliet seat over his head while he is getting a drink of water.

A Priest and a Rabbi happen to sit next to each other on a long transcontinental flight. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, ‘Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to eat pork?’The Rabbi responds, ‘Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.’The Priest asks, ‘Have you ever eaten pork?’The Rabbi replies ‘Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork.’ The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.A while later, the Rabbi looked up and asked the Priest, ‘Father, is it still a requirement of your Church that you remain celibate?’The Priest replied, Yes, that is still VERY MUCH a part of our faith.’The Rabbi then asked, ‘Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?’The Priest replied, ‘Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.’The Rabbi looked deeply into the priests eyes, then looked down and nodded his head several times. He then looked back at the priest and said, ‘A lot better than pork isn’t it?’

Yo’ mama so fat, the tag on her dress reads: “Made In Hungary, Turkey, China,
U.S.A., Algeria, Japan, Indonesia…”

Un hombre ten�a boletos para la final del mundial de futbol.

Cuando se sienta, un hombre se acerca y le pregunta si est� ocupado el asiento junto a �l.

“No, est� desocupado” le contesta.

Asombrado el otro dice: “Es incre�ble, �qui�n en su sano juicio tiene un asiento como �ste para la final del mundial, el evento m�s grande del mundo, y no lo usa?”

El hombre lo mira y le dice: “Bueno, en realidad el asiento es m�o. Lo compre hace dos a�os. Se supon�a que mi esposa me iba a acompa�ar, pero falleci�. �ste es el Primer Mundial en el que no vamos a estar juntos desde que nos casamos en 1982.”

Desconsolado el otro dice: “�OH! Me da pena o�r eso. Es terrible. �Pero, no pudo encontrar a alguien m�s? �Un amigo, o pariente, incluso un vecino para que usara el asiento?”

El hombre niega con la cabeza mientras dice:

“No… �todos est�n en el velorio!”

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, “You want fries with that?”

And Man said, “Super size them.” And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.” And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry’s. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, “Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them.”

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And the Devil saw this and said, “It is good.”

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil cancelled Man’s health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken. And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon returning asked Man, “Do I look fat?”

And the Devil said, “Always tell the truth.”

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, “It doesn’t get any better than this!”